I have compiled a list of some of the known varieties of trolls and their linguistic abilities.

Think of reporters as bards and warrior-journalists on an epic quest. The Kingdom demands new songs and tales so we are forced to enter the wilderness regularly. There are many hurdles along the way— harsh climbs, Aabpara Road, local fauna. A lucky few are allowed to pass unmolested by the indigenous population of  internet trolls. 

Others come face to face with the terror of wet jaws and a big club ready to wham their journalism degrees to a thin paste. These cyber-beasts are active 24/7. When offended (their list of offences is exhaustive, tyrannical) they show no mercy on news coverage, op-eds and blogs. They invade The Express Tribune comment feeds with their savagery –  nobody is safe.

Yes, even on the Life & Style section, we have seen these creatures destroy our innocent lawn prints, interviews, gossip and style guides. In an effort to shine light on their violent species, I have compiled a list of some of the known varieties and their linguistic abilities.

Undoubtedly, they will take me away for this and cook me in a vat of troll nihari (a spicy meat dish). This may be my last article for the Tribune. Let the best man/troll win.

The philosopher troll

‘What is this? Lol.’

This wise troll— usually a shaman or a witchdoctor— asks the ‘deep’ questions but has nothing to say… at all. He begins dialogue. Other trolls assemble on hearing his ‘lol.’

Paindoo troll

‘Men should all shave their faces: when they are supposed to trim/shave their underarms and pubics, why grow such filth on their faces?’

These are the good country-folk of troll kind. Linguistically and cognitively challenged, they manage to show remarkable tenacity. Their women— who are already bearded— prefer clean-shaven trolls and human victims.

The ‘I have a degree in knowing better’ troll

‘I dont see the point of publishing this article. I can’t see what makes this topic significant?’

Weird troll

‘Good idea to collect delicious….’ 

Jealous troll

‘Is that what it takes to be a reporter at the Tribune? If so, start sending me cheques. I can do this all day long and dish out at least 10 news articles’’ 

Clinically insane/linguistically challenged troll (close relation of  Paindoo troll)

‘So some time after …how jonathan feel to day ? it is one day at the time …24 hours ….sometime, like me , it was one hour at the time …let me know….maybe I can help …take curage to ask for help ..I really wish you will ..bless your heart…peace & love always’

Or: 

‘Why the media is now only interested in MASALA and gossip kind of news, and wait for the real artist to DIE and then we will see a coverage.’

 Stalker troll

‘Will The Express Tribune  pls stop hiring reporters who only promote their talentless friends?? isloo is full of young talented actors, singers, writers why does this journo keep on focusing this one group of friends?? wake up ET’ 

This troll obviously knows me and tracks all my movements— to kill me, of course.

Patriot troll

‘Oh great, after burger writers plaguing major e-newspapers sites they are now taking over the screen.’ 

Poetic troll

‘I do not expect this from Express News. Their space is suppose to have more quality news. No one around me knows this couple like how the news expresses.’

Wah, so much ‘expression.’

Hippie troll

‘Dude , if you don’t want to read this then just don’t come here? What’s with all the harshness?’ 

Concluding note: This gentle community of peace loving trolls is known to shelter rogue journalists. I personally request they send out more missionaries with a message of peace and troll tolerance to other tribes.

Relations are about to get tense.

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.