Dharna dude meets Jaali jihadi

Published: November 23, 2011

The dudes talk PTI, jihad, partying, yahoodi saazish and the all important Fullbright Scholarship. ILLUSTRATION: JAHANZAIB HAQUE

The characters:

Dharna Dude: Loves X-Box, facials and Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaaf (PTI)

Jaali Jihadi: Hates the Jews, likes the Taliban, loves Jamat-e-Islami (JI), and also Katrina Kaif (secretly)

Dialogue ensues sometime in the future, at a “Shukrana Rally called by PTI and JI to celebrate the American withdrawal from Afghanistan.

Dharna Dude: Helloooo JJ ma man! Whats happening Bro? We did it didn’t we dude? PTI and JI are like BFF man. Americans are tu bhago-fying (the Americans are running).

Jaali Jihadi: Asalam o Alaikum bhai jaan. Thanks to Allah we have succeed. We must do shukrana (gratitude) Nawafil, as it is holy day of Friday.

Dharna Dude: So true Bro. Friday it is dude, we are so gonna parto-fy tonight dude… yeah!… All night long man.

Jaali Jihadi: Afghanistan is first one, now it is baari (turn) of Bosnia, Kashmir, Falastine (Palestine), and Chechniya.

Dharna Dude: You forgot one, man.

Jaali Jihadi: Which is that one?

Dharna Dude: Dudee, Kashghar ma man; my cuz went there this summer dude and they are like maro-fying (killing) so many Muslims yaar, that place needs to be Jihad-ofied dude.

Jaali Jihadi: Acha ( really)? Waisay Kashgar is very good Muslims, Iqbal say, Aik hon Muslim Haram ki pasbani kay liyey… Neel kay sahil say lay ker ta-ba-khak-e-Kashghar… which country is killing Kashghar Muslim, it is Norway or Denmark?

Dharna Dude: No dude, it is the Chinese; they are killo-fying (killing) all the Muslims man.

Jaali Jihadi: What? What you say?

Dharna Dude: I swear dude, it’s the Chinese. They are like bringing the whole city down dude – really sad.

Jaali Jihadi: No, it is lie. China is best friend, just like our biradar (brother) country

Dharna Dude: But… she said…

Jaali Jihadi: No it is lie, China peoples favorite song is Pak Chun Yoyi Wansuray.” It mean Pak Cheen Dosti Zindabaad.

Dharna Dude: But she actually saw…

Jaali Jihadi: O yaar it is yahudi sazish. (Hey man, it is a Jewish conspiracy.) It must be India soldier who go to Kashghar when China soldier is sleeping and then kill Muslim and tell your cousin that he is China soldier, but it is lie, it is lie. China is best friend, it is all Jewish sazish.

Dharna Dude: Yeah Dude. The Jews are conspirofying (conspiring) all the time, and you know what the biggest Jewish sazish is?

Jaali Jihadi: What is it?

Dharna Dude: The Fulbright scholarship man!

Jaali Jihadi: Oh! You also apply for Fulbright scholarship?

Dharna Dude: Like hellllooo? Three times man. They didn’t even call me for an interview, like seriously. And you know why not? You know why? Because I am a Muslim and I am brown, that’s why. What’s a Muslim to do man? Like seriously what? That’s why I joino-fied (joined) PTI man, so much injustice dude – we need justice.

Jaali Jihadi: Ok, how much did you get in your GRE examination?

Dharna Dude: *cough cough* Come on man, that’s personal details dude, you don’t ask that kinda stuff JJ ma man.

Jaali Jihadi: I give GRE exam but fail in English. Your English very good Mashallah. How you improve it?

Dharna Dude: Dude, you gotta speako-fy (speak). You see all those gora (white) babies, they can’t speak English when they are born, they just say bwaah bwaah. But then they speak it man, you gotta speak, listen to songs and stuff. And dude, you gotta watch movies dude – Hollywood.

Jaali Jihadi: Yes, I also like English movie, I watch all part of Twee-light.

Dharna Dude: Huh? Like seriously? Come on man. That’s like really uncool. Twilight is for girls who are too young for chick flicks and too old for Hannah Montana. You don’t watch that okay? It’s bad. Like very bad.

Jaali Jihadi: Yes, Allah maaf karay (Allah forgive me), movie watching is bad, but I fast forward all the gunda (dirty) scene, I only look at boiz, waisay very beautiful boiz Mashallah…

Dharna Dude: Dude! Like you do not checko-fy (check out) other dudes man. That’s like super uncool dude, like super duper uncool.

Jaali Jihadi: What you mean uncool?

Dharna Dude: You don’t check out guys okay? It is like…what’s the word, hmm yes, haram… its haram.

Jaali Jihadi: Yes, tobah, movie is harammagar shaitan aap ko majboor ker daita hai (the devil tempts you).

Dharna Dude: Come on JJ ma bro, you gotta speak English dude. We gotta ace this GRE dude! Muslim power man. Oh by the way, do you watch Bollywood? Like Indian movies and stuff?

Jaali Jihadi: Yes, some some time.

Dharna Dude: Dude I only watch ones with Katrina man. That chick is smoking hot. Sheila ki jawaaani…. tee tee teee teeeeeee teeeeeeee *dances*

Jaali Jihadi: Oye! What you say?

Dharna Dude: Chillaax ma Bro. Tee tee teee teeeeeee teeeeeeee *dances*

Jaali Jihadi: Oh-you-shitup!

Dharna Dude: Huh? Wha? I just said she is hot, like why…

Jaali Jihadi: Chup baysharam! (Quiet, shameless!) All you PTI peoples is baysharam just like your leader.

Dharna Dude: Dude, you do not  say that about Imran-the-man-Khan okay? He is the bravest and most honestest man in Pakistan. Respect, okay?

Jaali Jihadi: Chup! Bara aya brave shrave (whatever brave). We beat him in Punjab University and he say nothing, how brave? Shitup ho ja warna

Dharna Dude: Warna kya? (Otherwise what?) We just kicked the Yankees out of Afghanistan man. Don’t mess with us. Kasam say ( I swear) you guys are so uncool. Like so so so uncool.

Jaali jihadi: What you say? Uncool mean haram! You call us bad name? Bhaiyoon, iss khabees nay humay gaali de hai! Pakro! (brothers, he just abused us. Catch him)

*Dharna Dude gets pummeled*

Dharna Dude: No no! Ouch! PTI bacha-ofy (help me!).

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Arim

    You really awesomo-fied it. :DRecommend

  • Hafsa

    Amazing satire. Waiting for comments from those who are irony-impaired Recommend

  • muhammad sarfraz

    there was no need to put the “jaali” before the jihadi.this is how the religious fanatics think in real life as well.there’s nothing ‘jaali’ about it.It is how they really are.Recommend

  • Imran

    Nice Sarcasm!! There should be Haqqani dude as well now ;)Recommend

  • PTI

    nice way to link that ** stuf with pti so keep it up man do what ever you want . But Listen no one can stop … Inshallah. Its Time For Change :DRecommend

  • Qaiser Turi

    What a waste of time.Recommend

  • sukaina ali

    Nothing ”jaali” about this jihadi.if you meet one in real life you would consider the one in this blog to be a tolerant,peaceful liberal person.Recommend

  • sana

    hehehe man its awsomm i really like it Recommend

  • http://www.accidentallyhuman.com Sanya Shiraz

    This is brilliant! Hahaha.Recommend

  • Acorn Guts

    Really? 5 stars for this? I couldn’t get past the first few lines!

    And no I am not ‘irony-impaired’ and I digest heavy doses of Stephen Fry sarcasm on daily basis .. this is just …

    Sorry, you have violated my senses. No donut for you.Recommend

  • Arslan

    Hahaha best! the yahoodi sazish part cracked me up. I am so hopeless with the current political scenario in pakistan at present. On one side you get honesty but get religion shoved down your throat and on the other side you have rampant corruption but a free society. Ah our Dilemma!Recommend

  • Brb

    Seriously? :s
    My media studies teacher was right. This place has really gone to the dogs. You guys can’t even hold a light to writing some sane important piece of journalism, forget about trying your hand at satire. This is my last visit here, have a nice bloglife guys.Recommend

  • http://twitter.com/menteliscio menteliscio

    lol quit trying to be NFPRecommend

  • Humayun360

    Very interesting :) Well you cant blame politicians for their dubious stance on everything. They always say things which appease the general public. Even in modern democracies politicians use fear tactics to gain support.Recommend

  • AAQ

    this is gettin so oldRecommend

  • Someone

    Lame!!!!!Recommend

  • Hassan

    Yaaaaaaawwwwwaaaaaaannnnnn next PTI basher please!!!!!!!Recommend

  • http://pioussluts.wordpress.com EoH

    Amazing man! LOL! I am sure this will happen and then there will be no Dharna Dude in Pak…. We will be beaten up by Taliban and JI goons!Recommend

  • http://pioussluts.wordpress.com EoH

    @Hassan:
    YAwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnnnn Aaakhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Next PTI Troll Please!Recommend

  • Reasoner

    Nice Satire :)Recommend

  • Shahrukh kazmi

    Ultimate Sarcasm! :D, Chah gaye boy.Recommend

  • Sara Zaman

    Why has religion become such a funny thing in our society? The so-called Liberals so shamelessly make fun of religion just to sound ‘cool’. To me they aren’t so different than that of their ‘conservative Jali Js’ counterparts. The two are at the 2 extreme degrees of spectrum. Shame on you for writing such a ridiculous blog.Recommend

  • Captain Obvious
  • Yogurt

    An unsuccessful attempt at satire. Nothing original. A re-hash of lame stereotypical jokes (which are so good when done well!), and I am no PTI supporter. Couldn’t get through all of it. Just a bad piece of writing. Recommend

  • Khan

    Imran it’s my advice to you to please attend the next PTI dharna/jalsa so you could see the kind of people who actually attend it.Recommend

  • djxeeshan

    ROTFLauging my lungs out! PTIwalas n Jamatis screwed n bashified with ironic Sarcasm!!! :D Good Work XDRecommend

  • ali

    absolute rubbish! this has got to have been the worst blog post i have read all week. Recommend

  • Kafka

    In a country where the literacy rate is around 40 percent, JI and PTI are the only parties whose followers are hundred percent literate. The so called “enlightened” scoff at these people but do not have a solution of their own to the problems being faced by this country. We don’t need criticism, we need solutions. Recommend

  • sharjeel

    Ch, do you have water in your tetra pack to write about the real corruptor of this confused youth I.E Establishment Yani K ARMY. Please spare the confused children and write against these vested interests. Recommend

  • sharjeel

    kindly tell me how i can write an article here. i means what is the criteria and method.Recommend

  • Faria Syed

    @Sharjeel: You can contribute through our [Submit your blog] page or write to blog@tribune.com.pk.

    Recommend

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=647842094 The Reader

    Another excellent read, another excellent satire but please stop here or you’ll bore us with sameness.Recommend

  • Faz

    Irrespective how reflectory your views on Jaali Jihaadi(Jamati Islami/ Hizb ul Tahrir kind) and Dharna Dudes( urban middle class/Zaid hamid/Musharaf/PTI kind) are , at least write some original sartire; there are people who do it lot better than you. Total rubbish!Recommend

  • Mohammad Assad

    Enjoyable read in a way, but its basically the same ‘satire’ heard and read again and again repackaged as something new.

    So I agree, with The Reader. More of the same becomes really really boring really really fast. Its like seeing the 4 man show done on Banana News done on Hum Sab Umeed Sey hain.Recommend

  • Hassan

    @EoH: ho humm yawwwwwwwwnnn agaain atleast try to be original i know its difficult for Anti PTI like yourself trolls but give it a shot i think even you can succeed!!!!!Recommend

  • Hashmi

    do not make fun of things you have no knowledge of. Recommend

  • dextor

    MAn dont mind..please dont this is crap again…baseless…and not understandableRecommend

  • Parvez

    Sometimes it good the read pure rubbish.Recommend

  • Talha Ahmed

    HILARIOUSRecommend

  • Saba

    you try so hard, its hilarious! Satire is understated, with you saying -ofied five hundred times and repeating your retarded jokes, this was far from understated! Please dont try your hand at humourRecommend

  • http://sanarites.blogspot.com Sana Iqbal

    Why do I smell NFP in this post *sniffsniffRecommend

  • Rehman

    Awesome. Recommend

  • Jawed Ali

    This is simply waste of time and It shows the frustration of the writer who has provided us with this sub standard satire.
    I am sure the writer is nowadays learning how to write, so please learn well before you ink here.Recommend

  • http://pioussluts.wordpress.com EoH

    @Hassan:

    hahahah! Aaaaakhh! total rubbish! not this article but you and your comments! LOLRecommend

  • Amir Ali

    cliched-and lame generalizations–and this does not in any way make you intellectually superior to a JI or PTI supporter, but it does makes you come across as an ignorant personRecommend

  • http://www.hasaanfoundation.org Shahbaz lodhi

    Sorry to say, this blog doesn’t make any rational sense to me,,,,,,,Recommend

  • u_too

    first i thought i was waistofying my time but then i realized this stuff is actually funny. Recommend

  • Arslan

    @those supporting Jamiat Islami Do you people know what was jamiat’s stance on the women’s protection’s bill? Those crazy mullahs are promoting a rape culture. They say men are victims of women’s false accusations of rape and in order for a woman to prove a man guilty of rape she has to bring 4 witnesses in court. Tell me how stupid is thatRecommend

  • massub

    complete waste of time.Recommend

  • hassan

    @Arslan:
    If you say that is stupid, then you are committing blasphemy. It is in the Holy Book man !!Recommend

  • Anum

    Lol, awesome! :DRecommend

  • Awais Khan

    Sarcastic and it depicts the current situation in our society.Recommend

  • Shahryar Ahmed

    Super Cool, Dude!!! Really had a good time reading this. You are spot on about the really twisted world these people (many in their 20′s-30′s) are living in!!! Misconception of Islam & politics (real).

    Great Article!!!!!Recommend

  • Hassan

    @EoH: Obviously what cant be rebutted is marked off as rubbish, the Anti PTI troll looks towards powder puff blogs to feel good…koi na i sympathise with you!!!!!Recommend

  • Rashid

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA….ROFL. awesome ma man..Keep the good work up…Recommend

  • Nabil Saleh

    now this is something Nadeem F. paracha could never pull off. despite his umpteen attempts…As they say you need the ‘necessary roughness’ for such work!Recommend

  • http://ayazsays.wordpress.com Ayaz Ahmad Khan

    very nice sarcasm but if u go fr content, its nilland lameRecommend

  • Ammar

    Plz read some books before writing stuffRecommend

  • Tokhai

    Superb-Recommend

  • http://www.usmanfarooq.com Usman Farooq

    :O what are you trying to portray with this post?? Recommend

  • Just a Gal

    Yes, Allah maaf karay (Allah forgive me), movie watching is bad, but I fast forward all the gunda (dirty) scene, I only look at boiz, waisay very beautiful boiz Mashallah…….
    Hahah…Just nailed it man!!!!!! WoowRecommend