Tali-ban(d), baja, baraat!

Published: October 12, 2011

The Taliban are now in talks with the PPP to form a coalition government.

In the tradition of banning Facebook, motorcycle double sawaari, and kite flying, the Pakistan government is now proud to introduce to you the new ban – the Taliban. A peace deal has been brokered by this year’s PHD winner Rehman Malik (earlier won for making ‘peaces’ of Karachi) between the government and the Taliban.

The group has accepted and are now in talks with the PPP to form a coalition government in which the Taliban will have sole rights to make all the decisions for Pakistan. The conservatives are pleased while the liberals have packed their bags and bought their tickets. All 5 of them leave tonight.

PPP’s bestfriend, MQM, has thrown a tantrum and is looking to break up again. Mother-in-law PML-N is adding fuel to the fire while father-in-law PML-Q is trying to pacify both lovers. Uncle Jamaat-e-Islami is upset on finding out that the PPP has been going behind their backs to see someone else on religious matters. Reports of a slight smile appearing on Imran Khan’s face have also surfaced. In his inability to grow a beard to fit in, Nawaz Sharif has got another hair implant, this time on his cheeks.

Various stories have been circulating and rumours are floating. In response, the Taliban held a press conference with highlights below:

The Taliban began by trying to remove the mystery behind their name. Mullah Omar, along with declaring that he is still alive and had been residing near Disco Bakery in Gulshan, Karachi, clarified the history of the name Taliban:

“It’s not telly-ban – that’s just a practice of ours. In truth, tali is the word for hand clap and Islam forbids men to clap their hands. Our mission began when we realised the need to stop men from practicing this western habit of clapping and applauding. The pleased look on their faces when they clapped clearly showed their disinterest in the after-life, which is a very dangerous state to be in. We hope God will help us in eradicating these evils.

With regards to women, we can see that they are allowed to clap. This shows they are lower life forms and dirty hence the need to subjugate them. This does not mean that we will remove all the freedom of women, just most of them. For example, we will not stop them from using the net. The face veil would otherwise not allow them to walk around properly. The holes in the net may be reduced, however, as men may peak inside them and feel lust. Spending time flogging women for this is cumbersome.

There is no enmity towards the West. Those pigs can do as they like. We are happy to have established khilafat here and brought Shariah-al-extreme to the only true Islamic State of the world. That Pakistan is not mentioned in the holy scriptures does not stop us from declaring it a blessed land and created to fight against Israel.

Education is of uttermost importance to us. We will remove worldly subjects such as science and math and add more religious reading time. Reading these books will give the youth all the education they need. By spending time only worshiping, our nation will progress tremendously. You will see the miracle of our version of Islam. Roads and buildings will be constructed automatically. And schools will come into being, but don’t worry, we’ll blow them away again to remove those grounds of illicit affairs. I remember my first molestation happened on a school ground.  That goat still roams free.

It is essential that we ban the use of English, the wearing of western clothes, and using toothpaste. These are only methods of the western people to keep us away from gaining heaven. We’re also looking into moving away from our old stance of wearing shalwar-kurta, using neem for teeth, and speaking Urdu. Clearly they are too alike the practices of Hindus in India. Leaves are being considered as clothing but the added flogging time for women is again a problem.

We will remove the predicaments facing Pakistanis. Shortage of electricity and traffic jams will be problems sorted immediately. As the Muslim leaders in the past never used cars or electricity, we would be removing them. By bringing back candlelight and donkeys, we will no longer face the above mentioned problems.

Finally I would like to stress on the fact that Taliban are a peace-loving people. There is no compulsion in religion. We will bring about a change in society that will lead to a prosperous environment and a peaceful one where everybody is respected and is a Muslim. Anyone opposing us in trying to achieve this will be mutilated publicly. ”

At this point, Mullah Omar took questions from the reporters. Important questions on the growing agrarian issue and floods were answered with ‘Allah will take care of it.’ He went on to state that:

“Instead we would be diverting much of our resources towards the Taliban Research Department, which over the last few years has uncovered such hideous crimes as the ‘Coke Cola – No Makkah No Mohd’ scandal, the need to stop saying’ hello’ as it comes from the word ‘hell’, and the acceptance of declaring anyone not following your particular version of Islam as ‘wajib-ul-katl’.”

One reporter dared to ask how we could trust Mullah Omar as we were warned about the ‘one-eyed’.  His family are currently in the process of finding an imam willing to pray his funeral prayers.

Due to television images now being banned, this will be our last broadcast…

This article is satirical in nature. 

salman.qureshi

Salman Qureshi

A Masters graduate in International Business from the University of Wollongong Dubai. He is a standup and Improv comedian based in Dubai with an intense interest in reviving and supporting arts in Pakistan. He blogs at: salmanzq.blogspot.com/

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • nighat

    is this really happening???????? :ORecommend

  • nighat

    i hope it remains satirical in nature !!Recommend

  • Samar

    Dark and depressing reality with a comical spin on it. Well done! Absolutely hilarious!Recommend

  • LD

    Absolutely stupid article.Surely no sensible, mature person can write such a piece..Recommend

  • Orient Knave

    hahahaha its too funny…..Recommend

  • Tabish

    A holistic view of the entire situation, in a satirical manner. Nice. Keep it up, good luck. While reading the last paragraph, I thought, I will get to read, “Alas! I woke up from my sleep”… Then I came across, that it is satirical in nature ;-) Recommend

  • shozz

    Story appears to be exaggeratedRecommend

  • waqqas iftikhar

    side-splitting…great job salman…no doubt some humourless trolls will be trying to ‘ban’ you Recommend

  • http://www.tanzeel.wordpress.com Tanzeel

    and you think whatever you write is funny ?Recommend

  • omg!

    Do our country has place for all these tally-ban, the great trouble makers?Recommend

  • anas saleem

    @nighat:
    grow up woman
    this is just for fun

    btw no talib is ever over taking this country as a matter of fact no1 in this entire world would dare taking over pakistan for this country is crazy, we join hands when we see an enemy while we fight amongst ourselves when the enmy is not hereRecommend

  • Abdul

    yeah.. despite the fact that we are facing strategical challenges (both from inner anf outer world), govt is busy in dealing with all other to derive a formula to remain in power. no concern with what is going on. PAKISTAN KA KHUDA HAFIZ..Recommend

  • Ali Noor

    “I remember my first molestation happened on a school ground.  That goat still roams free.”
    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha……big breathe………ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Awesome blog bro.Recommend

  • http://fruitforbidden.wordpress.com/ Forbidden Fruit

    NFP-inspired much! Other than that, I enjoyed reading this. :)Recommend

  • Fahad Raza

    That is an absolutely Incredible blog. Bravo !!Recommend

  • http://bakedsunshine.wordpress.com Shumaila

    A tad overdone, but still funny. :DRecommend

  • Schazad

    It is sad piece of business in our beloved la la land but it is true. Vigilantes are roaming around and want everyone to follow what they believe in, minorities are being abducted and raped and converted to Islam by force and wed and impregnated all in the name of piece loving religion. This is just damaging the whole fabric of our so called society. Our kids minds are ingrained with these lessons and they are growing up with it and thinking that this is the way it should be and it is the right way. I know this article is satirical but it is so true. Well done Salman. Please keep pumping some sanity in this insane so called civil society who believes in killing people for their beliefs and standing up for murderers, showering them with rose petals, blowing up of schools and killing innocent school children, killing innocent by standers and leaving mutilated bodies and human body parts in intersections. Looking at all this, there is increase in hopelessness everyday. God help us.Recommend

  • Faz

    yet another attempt to kick monotonic NFP’s Roozi. Recommend

  • ASHES

    BEST blog…. reading such a flow after lot of time.. nice nice nice
    brings smileRecommend

  • Parvez

    Watch out Sami Shah !!!! you have competition.Recommend

  • Sh

    Loved every word! Made my morning :DRecommend

  • Reader

    An extremely bland and bad read! What a waste of time on our and writer’s part. Taliban paranoia and bashing is the new thing.Only mummy-daddy class fears them. People aware of ground realities know there is no chance of such a government in Pakistan.Recommend

  • Awais Khan

    Satirical, but it is a fact that every incumbent administration has tried to strike deals with the Taliban, which have always failed and resulted in further violence.Recommend

  • http://pioussluts.wordpress.com EoH

    HATS OFF TO YOU MAN!!!! GREAT ARTICLE! Humor is amazing!
    Where are PTI Trolls doing personal attacks now???? We cannot let this Black Taliban Law to rule upon us!!

    The crux of the article is that we need to address the real issue. The real issue is extremism in Pakistan. We cannot surrender to Taliban because their agenda is open “imposition of Taliban Shariah!Recommend

  • Reader

    @EoH:

    Oh let down your guards, will you please? Such non-nonsensical and juvenile sentimentality will not lead us anywhere. Take Valium too loosen up because neither ‘PTI trolls’ nor Taliban are going to walk all over you. Uff the paranoia and the desire to stick to liberalism.Recommend

  • http://pioussluts.wordpress.com EoH

    @Reader:

    LOL PTI Troll! :DRecommend

  • Reader

    @EoH:

    Spot on! :PRecommend

  • Hajira Mirza

    LMAO!!! the molestation part cracked me upppppppp! hahahahaahaRecommend

  • sars

    Very good!!!.Maybe next time you wont have to give the satirical disclaimer as people will get itRecommend

  • Omer bin Abdulaziz

    What is the author trying to prove with this stupid article.
    Why not shake your pen a bit on the Pakistani thieves, looters and killers like Altaf Hussain and Asif Zardari.
    The Taliban have nothing to do with Pakistan, so you should refrain from commenting on them in such a demeaning way.
    As for the Pakistani Taliban, they are a bunch of fools created by your own agencies.Recommend

  • Acha bacha

    That’s the bitter truth which we are unaware of; and by the way hilarious and eyes opening article this was. Point to ponder is that Saudi has Islamic laws, yet they are developing at faster rate than ever before but here the situation is slightly change. Radical mullahs want to conquer Pakistan and destroy it just because of gigantic chests of *US DOLLARS and INDIAN RUPEE * coming. If you see this matter at global perspective, you’ll find that there are many conspiracies under action to destroy PAKISTAN. And some people (T) are just the puppets to carry out that task. Recommend

  • Saad Ullah

    Rubbish!! Too much exageration!! Recommend

  • qazi zafar

    sahib-e- imaan TALIBAN,, TALIBAN,, baqi seb BAY IMANRecommend

  • http://www.salmanzq.com Salman Qureshi
  • Cynic

    Lol!
    @Omer bin Abdulaziz: r u crazy? the Taliban have nothing to do with what’s happening here?! Do u actually LIVE in Pakistan??Recommend

  • omer bin abdulaziz

    @Cynic:
    It seems you comment without reading or are quicker than Satan in making judgments. I have made a clear distinction in my comment between the Pakistani Taliban (who are terrorists) and the Afghan Taliban, who are fighting an oppressor.
    Do you mind reading comments carefully next time please?Recommend