Tali-ban(d), baja, baraat!

"We must stop saying the word 'Hello' as it is comes from the word Hell!": Mullah Omar.

In the tradition of banning Facebook, motorcycle double sawaari, and kite flying, the Pakistan government is now proud to introduce to you the new ban – the Taliban. A peace deal has been brokered by this year’s PHD winner Rehman Malik (earlier won for making ‘peaces’ of Karachi) between the government and the Taliban.

The group has accepted and are now in talks with the PPP to form a coalition government in which the Taliban will have sole rights to make all the decisions for Pakistan. The conservatives are pleased while the liberals have packed their bags and bought their tickets. All 5 of them leave tonight.

PPP’s bestfriend, MQM, has thrown a tantrum and is looking to break up again. Mother-in-law PML-N is adding fuel to the fire while father-in-law PML-Q is trying to pacify both lovers. Uncle Jamaat-e-Islami is upset on finding out that the PPP has been going behind their backs to see someone else on religious matters. Reports of a slight smile appearing on Imran Khan’s face have also surfaced. In his inability to grow a beard to fit in, Nawaz Sharif has got another hair implant, this time on his cheeks.

Various stories have been circulating and rumours are floating. In response, the Taliban held a press conference with highlights below:

The Taliban began by trying to remove the mystery behind their name. Mullah Omar, along with declaring that he is still alive and had been residing near Disco Bakery in Gulshan, Karachi, clarified the history of the name Taliban:

"It’s not telly-ban - that’s just a practice of ours. In truth, tali is the word for hand clap and Islam forbids men to clap their hands. Our mission began when we realised the need to stop men from practicing this western habit of clapping and applauding. The pleased look on their faces when they clapped clearly showed their disinterest in the after-life, which is a very dangerous state to be in. We hope God will help us in eradicating these evils.

With regards to women, we can see that they are allowed to clap. This shows they are lower life forms and dirty hence the need to subjugate them. This does not mean that we will remove all the freedom of women, just most of them. For example, we will not stop them from using the net. The face veil would otherwise not allow them to walk around properly. The holes in the net may be reduced, however, as men may peak inside them and feel lust. Spending time flogging women for this is cumbersome.

There is no enmity towards the West. Those pigs can do as they like. We are happy to have established khilafat here and brought Shariah-al-extreme to the only true Islamic State of the world. That Pakistan is not mentioned in the holy scriptures does not stop us from declaring it a blessed land and created to fight against Israel.

Education is of uttermost importance to us. We will remove worldly subjects such as science and math and add more religious reading time. Reading these books will give the youth all the education they need. By spending time only worshiping, our nation will progress tremendously. You will see the miracle of our version of Islam. Roads and buildings will be constructed automatically. And schools will come into being, but don’t worry, we’ll blow them away again to remove those grounds of illicit affairs. I remember my first molestation happened on a school ground.  That goat still roams free.

It is essential that we ban the use of English, the wearing of western clothes, and using toothpaste. These are only methods of the western people to keep us away from gaining heaven. We’re also looking into moving away from our old stance of wearing shalwar-kurta, using neem for teeth, and speaking Urdu. Clearly they are too alike the practices of Hindus in India. Leaves are being considered as clothing but the added flogging time for women is again a problem.

We will remove the predicaments facing Pakistanis. Shortage of electricity and traffic jams will be problems sorted immediately. As the Muslim leaders in the past never used cars or electricity, we would be removing them. By bringing back candlelight and donkeys, we will no longer face the above mentioned problems.

Finally I would like to stress on the fact that Taliban are a peace-loving people. There is no compulsion in religion. We will bring about a change in society that will lead to a prosperous environment and a peaceful one where everybody is respected and is a Muslim. Anyone opposing us in trying to achieve this will be mutilated publicly. ”

At this point, Mullah Omar took questions from the reporters. Important questions on the growing agrarian issue and floods were answered with ‘Allah will take care of it.’ He went on to state that:

“Instead we would be diverting much of our resources towards the Taliban Research Department, which over the last few years has uncovered such hideous crimes as the ‘Coke Cola - No Makkah No Mohd’ scandal, the need to stop saying' hello' as it comes from the word 'hell', and the acceptance of declaring anyone not following your particular version of Islam as ‘wajib-ul-katl’.”

One reporter dared to ask how we could trust Mullah Omar as we were warned about the ‘one-eyed’.  His family are currently in the process of finding an imam willing to pray his funeral prayers.

Due to television images now being banned, this will be our last broadcast...

This article is satirical in nature.