What if Amreeka invaded Pakistan

Published: September 28, 2011

PTI leader Imran Khan smirked in a TV appearance commenting about how he was right about the US after all. PHOTO: JAHANZAIB HAQUE

It has happened. The Grand Old party (GOP) has attacked the GOP (Government of Pakistan) and its people. Initial threats of the US to bomb Pakistan back to the middle ages were met with huge laughter by the Pakistani masses. With dengue fever, floods, no electricity, target killings, and religious intolerance, we are already there you fools, the people laughed aloud.  It is now expected the bombing might jolt them out of the middle ages and send them forward instead. 

Prior to the attack, the American government claimed it had solid proof and well written reports printed on nice pink paper that the Haqqanis were hiding in Pakistan and operating freely. Also included was evidence that General Kayani’s name rhymed loosely with Haqqani, thus, establishing strong relations between the two and proving the army was supporting the terrorist group. The WMD search team from Iraq has now been redeployed to Pakistan to find them.  Insiders suggest that there is a strong chance the team might find the Iraqi weapons in Abbotabad.

The country was overrun in a little less than four hours by the US army surprising many as YouTube videos and Facebook statuses had hinted to the Pakistan army being invincible. Early morning drone attacks were conducted country wide destroying huge areas and taking many lives. No collateral damage was reported. The same evening, people shopping on Tariq Road were heard complaining about the traffic all this has caused before going back to complaining about inflation. Leading TV news channels conducted talk shows and gathered large groups of people to sit and discuss the events and condemn the western world.

PTI leader Imran Khan smirked in a TV appearance commenting about how he was right about the US after all. During his speech about how he would turn things around after winning the elections, he was interrupted and reminded that no elections would be held now.

MQM’s Altaf Hussain performed his regular telethon, managing a record breaking nonstop 5 hours. In order to reminisce the good old Karachi days, he requested London teens to hold another riot and looting session.

PPP leaders continued to claim that deserting America and refusing aid is not in the interest of the country and the economy will collapse. And everyone had stopped caring already about the PML parties.

Pakistani Taliban groups led rallies of angry crowds who were aghast at not being able to find anything to break and burn. Several religious leaders were pacified by being told that America was now led by a Muslim ruler. Evidence provided included his skin color, his middle name being Hussain and that he could pronounce Pakistan clearly.

China has condemned the attacks and said it would continue to support Pakistan by promising to provide more buses.

Indians celebrated all over the country. There are now talks of a Bollywood movie showing how it was India who brought Pakistan down through Rajnikanth. The climax will include a scene about how the Pakistani cricket team bows down to the Indians and Shoaib Akhtar apologizes to Sachin.

World markets remained unaffected as the Pakistan economy had no influence on the global economy.

In the wake of the attacks, the biggest questions being asked by the Republicans are:

“What? Pakistan has no oil?”

With the American army stretched out over Iraq and Afghanistan, the US is looking for new recruits. Strong reports indicate that the old disbanded Pakistan army will be hired to serve the US government. As per state policy, the US has also decided to install a puppet government. After great debate the US think tank has zeroed in on Asif Zardari as the perfect candidate and an inauguration will follow a Florida-like election event.

News of the conquest has yet to reach the Lyari area as fighting between PPP, ANP and MQM continued there.

Meanwhile life was normal in the Defence areas of Karachi and Lahore.

salman.qureshi

Salman Qureshi

A Masters graduate in International Business from the University of Wollongong Dubai. He is a standup and Improv comedian based in Dubai with an intense interest in reviving and supporting arts in Pakistan. He blogs at: salmanzq.blogspot.com/

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Patrick

    Superb satire …the bit about

    ‘Indians celebrated all over the country. There are now talks of a Bollywood movie showing how it was India who brought Pakistan down through Rajnikanth. The climax will include a scene about how the Pakistani cricket team bows down to the Indians and Shoaib Akhtar apologizes to Sachin’

    was absolutely pricecess …. I still have not stopped laughing …Recommend

  • Ali Tanoli

    Ten years ago great commando said to pakistan public i saved pakistan from becoming
    a stoneage country then we lost fourty thousand lives 70 billions $ of economy now if
    they taking stand so what is the meaning left.Recommend

  • Kafka

    You forgot to mention, our ambassador to USA is also named Haqqani..Recommend

  • Shahryar Ahmed

    Hahahahaha……Nice One!!!!!Recommend

  • saleem

    Poor people were happy, with no need to stand in line outside the embassy for a visa to hollywood Recommend

  • Nayla

    A nice article,I throughly enjoyed every sentence…Recommend

  • http://fahadrnk.wordpress.com/ Fah

    haha brilliant…Recommend

  • Amrita Yasin

    “Meanwhile life was normal in the Defence areas of Karachi and Lahore.” You forgot to mention the fashion shows :D
    Brilliant article!Recommend

  • Junaid Dar

    Fear straight from the heart.

    I am not much astonished to see guys enjoying the stuff because we are all dead already, we have nothing to do with anyone else anywhere in Pakistan. We are happy here on Tariq Road because we have no drones drilled here yet.

    May Allah Bless Pakistan and Um’mahRecommend

  • Beta

    @ Author

    Celebration all over India ??? May be hatred for India is in your blood or injected through your curriculum. No body cares about Pakistan in India, except some trolls like me (!). India will care about Pakistan when it records GDP growth of 9% and above, till then, take and enjoy your own life.

    P.S. Except that I enjoyed your sarcasm thorough out the article.Recommend

  • Mohammad Faraz Bhatti

    What about Zahid Hamid… :D Recommend

  • I write U read

    Awesome :)Recommend

  • Kjkhan

    Brilliant!! Recommend

  • Ramiz Shahid

    Hay, First of all this blog site must delete the one eyed icon and the caption with it i-e “The way (Anti-christ one eye) I see it ” This heading is telling me that the way Antichrist see it. So the way that satan(Antichrist) thinks doesn’t apply on us. Pakistan is made to exist till the day of judgement. You are trying to spread disappointments among us believe me its not working at all. Now coming to the main question what if amerika invaded Pakistan. well, if they did our armed forces will scare the hell out of them. They can’t even win from bunch of haqqanis how would they win from the armed forces of Pakistan with nuclear capability and some cruise missiles ??????? Think about it man …. Even if amerika invaded we will make it a living hell for them and they ll forget the Vietnaam and Pakistan will broke another so-called “Super power” into pieces of small independent countries….Recommend

  • narayana murthy

    Well AUTHOR…

    While the satire was nice, comparing the proof of Haqqani network’s links to ISI with that of Iraq’s WMD was foolish.

    Haqqani network was responsible for the bombing of the Indian embassy in Afghanistan. ISI sponsored and planned it. There was enough proof to prove that.

    There have always been enough proof to prove ISI’s support for such groups.

    However, like you said it yourself in your article – “With dengue fever, floods, no electricity, target killings, and religious intolerance, we are already there you fools, the people laughed aloud” – you live in the middle ages.

    Truth had no place in those dark ages, right?!!!Recommend

  • Dee Cee

    @Beta: Come on yaar, stop being a spoilsport! Is the satire too close to your fantasies to be funny? As a fellow Indian I must say that you gotta take this in its true spirit. Good work, Salman! And may I add the following? :)

    Since US occupies the country now, it has asked India to give up the IHK and also asked for strategic depth in Afghanistan. Now USA also is worried about India attacking its new territory. Zaid Hamid declared that he knew it was going to happen. He planned to invade India with the superior US army. This was his plan all along. Hassan Nisar asked him to shut up. Again. In Mumbai, Bal Thakrey asked Shiv Sainiks to burn Pakistani flags. When they asked about the rationale of burning flags of a country that doesn’t exist, Bal Thakrey said, “Pakistan can’t do this to us! What will we do now? Whose players and singers will be demonstrate against? This is a Congress conspiracy!” Recommend

  • Xam Xaffa

    I Like your Sarcasm.Recommend

  • ZUBAIR

    @narayana murthy:
    Even US could not come up with some proof so far. But respected Mr. Naryana Murthy has enough proof of ISI links. I think WMD search team from Iraq should also contact Mr. Naryana Murthy for some evidence.
    You are right . Truth has no place in dark ages, only baseless allegations rule the world; from American Invasion in Iraq for WMDs to Allegations of ISI links with Haqqani Network.Recommend

  • Harsh Srivastava

    Nice one. The Indian part was the best. Funny. Hope Indians develop sense of humor and appreciate. No need to be uptight about everything. :)Recommend

  • Ali Tanoli

    @ Naryan Murty
    We heard one example when we were young ( jiss ki ladhy us ki bhense) means in engleesh if you have stick then buffalo is yours i think u got allready what i mean.
    its like some badmash in the town is allways right no metter what he do…Recommend

  • Amasch Qadri

    Probably the best thing I have read on Pak-American relations to date. Trust me this was a way better read than those controversial, good for nothing, blood boiling articles blaming others for our mess! Good work and keep it up. This definitely in a certain way an eye opener for many if they know what it is all about!Recommend

  • Asad Zaidi

    @narayana murthy:

    Well Narayana,

    First of all, this was a satirical article. Don’t things to your heart love.

    Secondly, yes the ISI invented the Haqqanis through the CIA program back in 80s. Now if Haqqanis are attacking your embassies or personnel, Pakistan has no responsibility to say or stop any activity in a different country. NO Indian embassy or consulate was attacked inside Pakistan. To say the ISI backed these embassy attacks with no proof is only stupid. “Enough proof” is no proof – unless showed or presented. Have you guys found the proof for Mumbai attacks yet or still looking for it??

    I think RAW should get trained by the ISI, not the Haqqanis!

    ;)Recommend

  • Bilal

    Boring piece of writingRecommend

  • Hamza Ahmed

    I loved ur article. but i am afraid that none of this is going to happen if Pakistan is physically invaded. And the underestimation of ur armed forces is not an appreciated act. Nation which forgets it’s martyrs is a civilization doomed .Recommend

  • R.A

    What if Pakistan defeated AMREEKA and
    in return invaded back and WON
    Recommend

  • Naumaan

    @Beta:
    You should have just enjoyed the write up which is a brilliant piece of satire, and there was no need to resort to cheap rhetoric. Take a look inwards and please come up with a self critical analysis then comment. India is not a perfect place by a long margin so please get off your high horse. Recommend

  • Naumaan

    @narayana murthy:
    Please advise where you got the “EVIDENCE”from? Same place as the WMDs or OBL? When were you shown the proofs of OBL and WMD found in Iraq. Get it? Or do you want more proof?Recommend

  • BEN

    @ narayana murthy

    The type of proofs you are talking about, we have more than enough for RAW intervention in Baluchistan and Tribal areas of Pakistan. I will present them when you will provide the proofs against ISI. Recommend

  • Fahad Raza

    Now that’s a good satire in a long time.Recommend

  • http://zaidzamanhamid.wordpress.com/ Zaid Hamid

    They will meet the same fate as the Russians. Pakistan is the true super power because Allah is with us. This is madina-e-sani and no power can undo Pakistan. Great Khair is coming.
    Our weekly last and final warning ends here.Recommend

  • Parvez

    ‘ What ?? Pakistan has no oil.’ …..that just cracked me up.Recommend

  • http://paksatire.com Touseef Ikram

    What a master piece. loved/laughed at every bit of it. Recommend

  • Cynical

    @Author

    Why think negative?
    Why can’t you contemplate “What if Pakistan invades Amreeka?”Recommend

  • foruchandan

    though i enjoyed the Article on the whole…i was sad only to see the deep hatred about INDIA from the above commments from Pakisthanis….hope truth previals some day and things will be betterRecommend

  • Doctor

    Hilarious. Brilliant. You win sir. Recommend

  • khan

    nice article….since i m not a defencia or from any other rich part …i suppose us lower middle class people will either be pushed in the army or we will hide in the tents provided to us by UN and other rich countries…stupid Americans will celebrate like they did when Osama was killed knowing that after 9/11 none of the american civilian was killed by any of the terrorists……n we dont know what Pakistan is but lets celebrate because america invaded it..yeah man awesome!! right on!!….but the best part has yet to come…when after 2 or so years Angelina Jolie and other actresses will come to meet Us in the tents i will rub it in your defencia faces…and the aman ki asha parade will be happy k shayad ab India or Pakistan aik ho jai…lol…but lollywood ppl ka kia banay ga…or sahir lodhi ka or begam nawazish ali(hope American army has some taste for drag for his/her sake)….or defence k log will be like dha cinema mein ab movie kab lagay gi…coz i m sure it will be the hardest for defence k log n media persons..humara kia hai humein to angelina jolie adopt ker legi…Recommend

  • Awais Khan

    I believe that things will never come to this and both the countries can work out their differences.Recommend

  • Faisal Wahid

    Brilliant piece of writing! i was just checking the blogs section yesterday, and i was like…OH….NOTHING SO FAR! but with this piece you have nailed it!! kudos…..Recommend

  • ramanan

    I marvel how Pakistani’s manage humour in such dire times. In defeat defiance, may be.Recommend

  • Sameer Mehta

    Asad Zaidi, You are still looking for proof for Mumbai attacks? Take a trip to Ajmal Kasab’s village in Faridkot, Pakistan or better still ask Geo TV people for his exact address. Please come out of denial. Apart from this there are tons of evidence linking Pakistan with this terrorist attack but the question is are you willing to accept the truth? I don’t think soRecommend

  • Junaid Dar

    @Sameer Mehta

    and you missed those uncles that were hurt by the Pak Army in Swat who were pretending to be taliban and mujahideen but were all sikh and hindus who have nothing to do with jihad so who they were? You have lots of choices to blame a Muslim because Alhamdulillah we have lots of Muslim countries in the world but if we found any hindu or sikh we have no choice and will just blame india. right? Do you need any info from Geo tv about terrorists in Kashmir wearing some army dress killing innocent people? Recommend

  • hmmmmm

    @SAMEER MEHTA
    why do you people poke your nose where it doesnt belong….go and watch ajmal kasabs video..why would he say k bhagwaan mujhay nahi choray ga or something like that…n secondly why is his accent not pakistani…and even if you have a proof that Mumbai attack was done by Pakistan ..go ahead and attack us n lets see what happens..so go away to ur bubble n stay there u dont have any business here…if u want a discussion then go to facebook..there are many pages made exclusively for low lives like you..go and discuss away..it was a humorous article and deserves humourous replies not a blame game…Recommend

  • eraj khan

    brilliant satire… However, regarding the speculation, i would suggest all to read Syed Saleem Shahzad’s INSIDE AL-QAEDA AND THE TALIBAN… and US will NEVER attack Pakistan under current circumstances, because the Allies are already overstretvhed , both from military as well as economic point of view. They’l need assisstance from another world power, be it China or India. China, however, denied that possibility in strong words. And I hope that Indian publiic is sensible enough to oppose any open war, because they have seen Al-Qaeda’s retalation against Pakistan. and No patriotic, sensible person would like to face that level of internal security crisisRecommend

  • A J Khan

    Whether USA will attack Pakistan is yet to materialize, however these comment columns have already been invaded by Indians whose only wish in the world seem to see some one else doing their job.
    Sorry Bunya, you can befool USA but you cannot make them fight your war. If that was true USA would not have been requesting, wailing, howling and now threatening Pakistan to fight their war with Talibans. Recommend

  • http://naveedashaikh.wordpress.com/ Naveeda Shaikh

    Pakistan is already occupied by imperialist powers. A very intelligent satire!

    I welcome you Indians to Pakistani Newspapers. More than Pakistanis, Indian are obsessed with our current events. Luck you all!

    BTW this is secret; Pakistan has proven coal and oil reserves in one of areas of Sindh.Do no disclose it. Recommend

  • http://www.indrajal.com Vishnu Dutta

    @Mohammad Faraz Bhatti:
    Zaid Hamid aka Rawalpindi Bob (ala Baghdad bob) would continue to tell on his private youtube channel that Americans were retreating with billions of American soldiers dead. Also he would tell a emotional story that how some rooh’s on horses chopped down and scared millions of Americans.
    Plus he would claim that his “sources” told him that most of the Americans were uncircumcised and had a red band around their wrists hence they were Hindus.Recommend

  • sars

    well written article and im glad to see that most people appreciate it in the vein it was written.There is hope for us …we are starting to appreciate satire now.Maybe human rights next……..Recommend

  • xOYA

    very Well Written . keep it up Recommend

  • Tony Singh

    Fnjoyed the article and also enjoyed the add on by Dee Cee. Fact is we South Asians will beheave more or less in similar manner. And that is SAD part.Recommend

  • MU

    @narayana murthy:

    Your comments made me laugh more than this article. Recommend

  • Sadiq Nagri

    hahahaha….you have perfectly summarised the misery of our decaying nation. If the things remain the same and the same people remain in the corridors of power we would most certainly face a simlilar situation very soon. Why did this great nation with great potential walked a misfortunate route towards adversity? Only Allah can save us now as all are our hopes are dwindling.Recommend

  • Arif Khan

    Brilliant! the look on Imran’s face when they said there will be no more elections.Recommend

  • KolachiMom

    You didn’t include a quote from Rehman Malik!! I’m so disappointed. LOLRecommend

  • Ziber16

    @ Beta

    yeah no body care about Paksitan in India, yet almost every bollywood movie hinges around the contention Paksitan poses to Indian Security! Recommend

  • MP

    Good piece of satire!

    if US of A choose not to invade, already invaded paksitan, then it will have to look for another nation, label it as “terrorist stricken” Ally, carve out dedicated pie into their denfence budget and finally fight elections over this new manifesto. Should I say ‘Kudos’ to a super power on its consistent, muliple, failed attempts to establish peace in whole world or should i tell the scholarly brains enclosed in ‘think tanks’ to think out of the box and set new policies, rather mindset, for saving dangling,indebted economy……this way atleast they can bargain upon their status of policy maker, if not peace Recommend

  • http://www.tanzeel.wordpress.com Tanzeel

    Amreeka is not fool to invade this fanatic nation. Recommend

  • Manan

    I seriously laughed not at the article but at the comments of people saying they’ll destroy ‘yet another super power’! So much for being brainwashed into thinking you people destroyed Soviet Union. By the way, even if Pakistan manages to destroy Amreeka economically, do you people have any idea what will be left of Pakistan in such a war? And stop saying Pakistan will win as Allah is with you. There are plenty of evidences to the contrary!!Recommend

  • Sanjeev

    @ Salman – The article is humourous, and to some point laced with truth, but it seems people want to make it a India V/S Pak match in the comments section.

    Few points …I would add – The NATO forces has now been asked to patrol the city of Karachi and look for terrorist, to their dismay no terrorist were found, but captured 12432 people who had automatic weapons and part of tortured cells.

    The Ghairat brigade were happy they could get Green card easily as they officially are part of US controlled territories, but were adamant their right of Rasta Roko should not not be comprimised in USA till Palestanian have their homeland.

    The retired military officers have agreed to received their dues in dollars, with schedule two month holidays in Afghanistan where they have their contacts and still be part of the final solution for AFPAK issue.Recommend

  • I write U read

    awesomeRecommend

  • http://irrelevantfew.blogspot.com/ Asad

    I think the most important link that Haqqanis are Pakistanis (besides they both end the same way) is that our ambassador to US is also a… wait for it… Haqqani. The missing beard makes him more dangerous and deceptive then those rocket launcher bearing fighters. And about those rocket launchers. Someone has to tell them that after Arnold carried the rocket launcher for the umpteenth time, the ladies just stopped digging it. Now their role model should be Justin Bieber. They should start learning from him; get a mic, some lyrics that dont make any sense and write down an autobiography before they do anything of significance. The link of ambassador Haqqani and THE Haqqanis was the first justification that Fox News gave when the operation “Shock And WTF” started. (to be continued)Recommend

  • Hamza

    Hahaha. Nice.Recommend

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/urduboloaursuno UrduBoloAurSuno/SpeakAndHearUrduNow

    The USA already has invaded Pakistan. They’re over there ever day since the age of the russian invasion of afghanistan pushing their way around the place! USA has its interests and is always making pakistan live with it! The USA is willing to pay over $100,000 + for teaching urdu to american soldiers or to go along the ride of the war and translate on the spot, on site, to the US ‘soldiers’! I’m willing to teach on youtube but not for the ‘soldiers’ because I think they’re just paid/hired militia men! Murderers! http://www.youtube.com/user/urduboloaursuno <–please see for my urdu lessons and lectures etc. shukria. Recommend

  • Qasim

    Heavens! This is becoming like very other Pakistan Bashing article on Yahoo news where countless “real indians” (can you really guess nationalities or real personas online?) or “genuine zionists” post a million and one comments decrying our poor country followed by equally angry and sometimes nonsensical comments by some “real Pakistani” defenders. It may be a good thing tho…since if we stop fighting and bitching online we actually might start doing it in on the ground :)
    This was fun piece tho, I really enjoyed it even tho there are better targets to make fun of of in politics than Imran Khan (Come on! Just four lines for Altaf? You scared?! Come on!). And agreed, Zaid Hamid and Hussain Haqqani do deserve mention here :) Recommend

  • Mahwish Khan

    @Beta:

    Perfect rendition of satire and sarcasmRecommend

  • INDIAN

    hahahahahahah….your article was much better to laugh on…..i thoroughly enjoyed reading it….Even more funnier than the main article…..Keep writing….Laughing is good for health…..do you also do stand up comedy as well…??
    @Ramiz Shahid: Recommend

  • sumanta

    Zaid Hamid would continue to tell on his private youtube channel that Americans were retreating with billions of American soldiers dead. Also he would tell a emotional story that how some rooh’s on horses chopped down and scared millions of Americans.
    Plus he would claim that his “sources” told him that most of the Americans were uncircumcised and had a red band around their wrists hence they were Hindus.Recommend