It’s not easy being gay

Published: July 29, 2011

I am a male. I am a Muslim. I am a Pakistani and I am gay.

I come from a deeply religious family, where everyone prays five times a day and reads the Qur’an every day.

I came to the realization when I was eighteen-years-old, while I was in a relationship with my first girlfriend. Even though I was with her, I did not feel any sort of attraction towards her. The only feeling that I felt for her was of a friendly affection, nothing more and nothing less.

I say realization, but deep down I suppose I always knew that I was different from all the other guys. I never used to sit and ogle at girls and pass comments about them, but at the time I attributed that to my upbringing and to the fact that I had learned to respect women, having lived with three very admirable women at home, my mother and my sisters. And even though that still stands true, now I understand that it was something else – something inside me which made me think and behave differently.

I began to hate myself when I gradually became more and more convinced about my sexuality, trying to cut myself with any sharp thing I could lay my hands on, knives, scissors, blades, anything at all.

Whenever such thoughts came into my head, I went and locked myself in my room and tried to hurt myself.

I started to pray even more. I sat on the prayer mat for minutes and hours on end crying, begging Allah to change me, not to make me the way I was turning out to be.

I thought Allah was testing me, that He was testing my faith, my imaan; that He wanted to see if I could fight temptation. But I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I struggled or how much I prayed and asked for help, I failed every time.

Now I’m reaching that age where my parents are starting to discuss my marriage and whenever I listen into their conversation, a part of me dies inside.

The feelings of helplessness and impotency that I go through cannot be compared to anything else.

My parents have been planning my wedding ever since my older brother got married eight years ago: how can I go and tell them that I cannot get married? How will I be able to live with myself if (or when) I am married, knowing that I’ve ruined an innocent girl’s life because surely I will never be able to give her the love and intimacy that she truly deserves?

Sometimes I contemplate on whether I should tell my family the truth and stop living a lie, thinking that they will love me no matter what. Then my fantasy comes to a grinding halt. My bubble bursts, when I hear my sister or my brother passing comments full of hate and prejudice about gay men and how much they detest them, whenever they see them on television or in person. I sit and think what they would say to me, if anything at all.

But now I feel that I’ve come to terms with whom and what I am.

I have accepted this fact, that no matter how hard I try I will not be able to change myself. Although, that does not mean I’ve moved away from my religion or from Allah. Why can I not be who I am and stay close to my faith at the same time? Why does it always have to be one or the other and never both?

The average person tends to think that people like me are the way we are because we choose to be this way. This may be true for some people, but it definitely was not true for me.

Why would I choose to live a life where I have to constantly lie to all those who I care about? Why would I choose to live a meaningless life where I may never be happy? Why would I choose to be this way when I’m fully aware of what my family would do to me, if they ever were to find out the truth about me?

Anonymous

Anonymous

The blogger wishes to remain anonymous.

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Saif

    As fake as fake can be. SeriouslyRecommend

  • http://www.youtube.com/zeexu Zeeshan Mahmood

    @waleed khan:
    sickest comment by u…
    keeping a GF does not mean you have a girl friend under the patronage of ur family…
    Does somebody get a permission from their mother before pornography? Alas!Recommend

  • Manahil B.

    @Noman Ansari:
    It Is NOT a disease. But we have little proof that gay reparative therapy works because of the lack of research in that department. For example, the man who removed homosexuality from a list of mental illnesses in the US in 1973 also tried to research in gay ‘treatments’, but his findings – that a good number of people lived successful hetero lives – was met with so much controversy that he refused to follow up in his findings for fear of backlash. His findings needed further confirmations and more controlled environments to make proper conclusions, but what is worse? The fact that major scientific researches on homosexuality have NOT confirmed its biological basis, but people still claim it, or the fact that possible scientific support for gay therapy was shunned aside because of mere political reasons? Furthermore, humans DID evolve from unicellular organisms to sexually-reproductive genders. Evolution keeps those traits that ensure the survival of the species. If heterosexuality was not best for our species, we would have continued to be asexual, of one gender.Recommend

  • Syed Kashif Hussain

    Advice, Tell your Parents that you have impotency Problem rather than using the term Gay, secondly if You are from Religious Family and Background I dont think I have to tell you all about the Preaching of Islam and Quran in this regard.

    Your issue is more of Psychological than any thing else, Trust me visit a Good Doctor who can help you and Treat your mental / physical disorder.Recommend

  • aliya

    I am not gay. I dont support gays. But I am mortified to think what I would do if a child of mine is gay? All these people who advocate death for gays.. would you shoot your own son? (daughters I am sure you will..you need an excuse anyway..plus you can just label it honour killing without ever having to admit to her sexual orientation..but would you kill a son??)

    Some years back a friend of mine chose me to come out and tell me. Suddenly I could understand his misery, the life of lies he had to live, the constant compromise on one’s happiness, one’s will and one’s life. And then it was not too difficult.. to see that although I am not gay .. I live a similar life. I live a life of compromise in my home, not being able to have enough courage to tell my family that I do not want to meet another prospective proposal because I know who I want to marry..someone whose only fault is that he falls out of their tradition and customs. And so I continue to die a little everyday, meeting prospective proposals, laughing, smiling, hoping to be rejected, wondering if the man in front is also forced in to this situation, but just carrying on.

    Duplicity – is Pakistan’s problem. Our parents and families continue to have their hold on how they want the society to perceive us.. as docile, obedient children. NOT as loving independent and caring ones..but those that give in, that accept. A society where parents let their daughters go to college and university but still pride themselves in saying ‘their daughter did not meet the guy she married before the nikah” or that ” hamaray haan larki sai nahi poochtay” .. And of course I am myself two faced..because I am afraid of being ostracized from the family, being forced in to the next proposal to ensure that no one ever knows I dared to like someone ( not love.. not meet ..not have a relationship but “like”.. ) I dared to have a voice.

    Don’t be afraid to have a voice dear writer.. but yes leave before they leave you. Move on. And PLEASE do not get married just for the sake of it. That girl may have dreams of her own being shattered by being forced to marry you. I hope to find my voice and freedom. And I wish you luck! Recommend

  • aliya

    @Asghar Ramzan:
    Upper class?? Just because the upper class gays get acceptance or media acceptance does not mean its an upper class issue. If you had known the statistics of homosexuality in Pakistan you would not have said this. Recommend

  • http://www.ghouri.com Ghouri

    ET z biased .. why dont you publish my comments?Recommend

  • nolabel

    @Anonymous II:
    I very very much respect the comment that you made.
    It is the truth which you spoke of. It makes me less sad to know that there are still people who realize what Islam is and who a Muslim is. Thank you. Allah bless you.

    And for the writer of this article, I have something to say:
    It is brave of you to write this article. I find it sincere and truthful on your side but this you should know that though I was pleased to know your family is religious and finds deen very important in life, but if you say Muslim and you say you had a girlfriend, can you please, tell me what do you mean by that? I wish not to offend, please, but these things aren’t unimportant either. In Islam, you do realize members of the opposite sex can’t even look at each other lustfully you talk about having a girlfriend.
    That, is besides the point but is still something I wish you would reconsider.

    Two, Allah is Just. It is one of His 99 names. Is it not? It is IMPOSSIBLE to conceive that Allah will order something punishable, severely punishable and then make it impossible for His creation to refrain from.
    I do not understand your pain. I do not understand what you are going through. But hear me, that I will never call you names or bully you or mistreat you or do anything that is sinful or wrong because you choose to lead a life being gay. Though I will never support you in this.

    But you must also remember that Allah gives you free choice.

    You can either choose to refrain. Or not refrain. But in the end, you will have to pay the price. Homosexuality is HARAM. This is your test. Please, reconsider your decision and I pray that you find your way. Allah will never leave your side if you decide to follow Him.

    And remember, Muslim is he who surrenders everything to Allah, for Allah.
    If you need help, you will get it. But you have to fight, for yourself.

    Peace be upon you.
    Allah guide us.Recommend

  • Sunny

    @khan u said it right buddy! thankGod, there are sane ppl alive…Recommend

  • Live and Let Live

    About time this topic came out!

    Please don’t listen to “Factor” and get married to a girl. You will not only be unfair to her, but to yourself. I know numerous people in your position who have been through exactly what you are going through….its this feeling of conflict, guilt, fear of rejection and disappointing the family that is a slow kill. Please try and relocate to another country if you can, I would look up places where you can immigrate easily so you can go and live your life.

    In Pakistan, all your life you will continue to feel what you are feeling, unless your parents and siblings come to terms with the reality. You can try telling them, but it will take a year or so for them to come to terms with it. Even then they will push you to get married, because in their eyes, once you are married and committed you will change automatically. But that’s not what’s going to happen, what’s going to happen is that you will get married, however, continue to associate yourself with men which will be very unfair to your wife, UNLESS you can truly block the way you feel about men.

    If you take the path of spiritualism which is more in lines with sufism(leaving wordly pleasures completely and immersing yourself into the zikr/worship of Allah), you may be able to block the way you feel completely because you will be too busy thinking of Allah, but that is also not an easy route, this has to come from within and not every person is destined for this nor has the drive for it.

    You will have to be very strong to take a stance, break out the news and be prepared for the consequences i.e. leave home for a while, move into your own place etc. When dealing with parents, that’s not usually an option, you love them, so don’t want to hurt them or distance yourself from them.

    I remember lecturing my friend to get psychiatric treatment for this, regretted it later, for ever having that kind of a response. I should have accepted him the day he came out to me, contrary to what my own beliefs are regarding homosexuality. There are some that choose to be this way, and i know plenty of girls in the university i attended abroad, who willingly CHOSE this way of life, but then there are some, who have felt this way since they hit puberty. Allah knows better and we as humans should not judge, and live and let live. Life has enough troubles for each of us, why spend time hating and judging those that are different than us?

    My friend, its a tough spot to be in, stay strong, be true to yourself and don’t give up on life!Recommend

  • Manahil B.

    @muslim:
    Was it hard for you? How did you ‘become’ hetero? How did you realise in the first place that you were gay?
    I’m very impressed with your story. We need people like YOU in the media, more. Recommend

  • Fwend

    It’s ironic, isn’t it? The very people who are bawling at the fact that homosexuals need to be accepted in our society are hostile to the idea of a homosexual trying to switch to heterosexuality. Please stop filling people’s head’s with this idea that they don’ t have a choice. Homosexuality, like many other phenomenon, has a biological AND an environmental basis. It’s an uphill fight, but not one that can’t be won.
    Oh and FYI, before you start quoting the DSM’s exclusion of homosexuality as evidence for your case, I suggest you read up on the DSM itself as well. It’s hardly the trump card you guys are making it out to be.

    To the author: You do have a choice in the matter, dude. You can break away from homosexuality but I wont lie; the days ahead are not going to be easy. You’ve got to stick to your guns and you’ve got to give it all you’ve got. The Quran says that we only get the burdens we are capable of handling. You can pull through this, and INSHALLAH, you will. The important thing is to never waver in the belief that you can. I hope and pray that you achieve peace of mind, happiness and Allah Ta’ala’s boundless Love. Take Care

    And P.S: May you have a splendid Ramadan. :)

    With love,
    A friend. Recommend

  • Liberal

    @Advice Jul 29, 2011 – 12:27PM

    “Homosexuality can be treated by proper therapy, i recomment you to check it online. Research concludes that this is not genetic or inherent, and in many cases has been treated. Im sorry about the way you feel considering your religious inclination.”

    I did researched and found out that being gay is by Birth and its not a disease that needs being cured?? take a look at the link or provide me some non religious or rational scientific research link not any pseudo-scientific or biased debate or philosophy !!
    http://www.google.com.pk/url?q=http://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DsaO_RFWWVVA&sa=X&ei=IYs3TozMDcXvsgb-8bD5Dw&ved=0CC8QuAIwAw&usg=AFQjCNHLjs3VXYk6FKQ2xv1I42OwPPEUlgRecommend

  • globalnomad

    @Fooz, Abeer and many like them who are thinking it is fake!! I am not shocked, in our culture, people dont like accepting reality because if they do so, they will end up dealing with it, and might end up finding a solution. Wake up!!Recommend

  • anon

    @Advice:
    No it can’t. “Proper therapy” is dangerous and cause more self-hatred!Recommend

  • em.es

    How will I be able to live with myself if (or when) I am married, knowing that I’ve ruined an innocent girl’s life because surely I will never be able to give her the love and intimacy that she truly deserves?

    This was an eye opening article. Who so ever this person is -anonymous – I want you to know that I really do respect you. You are honest and you know who you are and that is a great thing. The reason I appreciate your honesty is – I was almost about to get married and the person I was suppose to be with , had planned my life – backed out from the wedding abruptly. Shattered my dreams…my hopes. This marriage was an arranged scenario. Everything was fine but I may be wrong …like you said The only feeling that I felt for her was of a friendly affection, nothing more and nothing less. may be this was the case with my ex-fiance. The way he backed out without a reason plus other things that I happen to know – looking back at them makes me wonder if he was goin through the same dilemma as you. Despite whatever the issue was with him , he had absolutely no right to make me go through all that I went through. Anyways …you should be glad that you consciously know that you may hurt another person if forced into a relationship that you are not ok with. I am not here to debate whats right and whats wrong. All I d say is before anything else you are a human. I d say speak about it to your family …dont let them weave false dreams. You are what you are and its not your fault. I sincerely hope you find peace. You seem like a nice person… God bless ! Recommend

  • nolabel

    So, if tomorrow, it was scientifically proved that one can choose not to be gay, will those supportive of this lifestyle sing the same tune they are singing today?

    Islam just doesn’t forbid that. It’s been forbidden in Christianity too. For a reason: it is sinful. Lives are destroyed. Allah does everything for a reason. If He states homosexuality haram, He does it for our own good. He is the All-Knowing. He, created us. He is perfect.

    And one can not be Muslim and say that I am also gay. Why? How can one accept something which Islam states haram and if committed then punishable severely. And say that I am Muslim, when Muslim means the one who surrenders everything to Allah. Who obeys Allah. Choosing NOT TO REFRAIN is being gay and being gay is haram and haram is forbidden. And a lifestyle that is haram, which is applied by a person, how does it make him a Muslim?

    Allah doesn’t need us. We need Him.Recommend

  • Rizvan

    It’s hard and it will be hard, but remember! You are not sick, this is not a disease, this is who you are and you are not alone. You didn’t choose this as other don’t choose to love girls, it’s something natural. There will be people who will love you the way you are and you should spend your time and build your life among them, and there will be people who will hate you and don’t understand you. Life is about the people that you build your life with. Recommend

  • Tee

    I’m on your side.

    Apart from that, I just wanted to say that do not take the advice of Factor. This part, “The bright side is that most women in Pakistan are not sexually aware, their idea of intimate relationship has very less to do with bedroom activities. So you wont have to really be into it and they wont know the difference”, is simply not true. I know men in our society like to believe it is so but please, let’s be realistic. I’m a woman and I know perfectly well how aware women are and what they discuss with each other. And, believe it or not, sexual satisfaction is important to women as well. What a shocker, I know!

    You can decide stay single or partner with a man. It would be a betrayal of the highest standards to marry a woman without telling her the truth about yourself. Just don’t do it.

    Wish you the best of luck. I would like nothing more than for gays, atheists and every other group that feels it more prudent to keep its true self hidden to be recognized and respected.Recommend

  • Syeda

    @Abeer:
    Article as well as most of the comments are fake. Unrealistic, un-natural thoughts.Recommend

  • Tee

    Oh, and one more thing, I am perfectly sure he knows whether he’s gay or not so quit telling him to be more clear or to undergo therapy! God.Recommend

  • Tania
  • INFIDEL

    I SMELL FAKKKKEEEEEE!!!!!!!!Recommend

  • wellwisher

    people have been tested with worse things, just be grateful you’re not suffering from some terminal disease and have all your limbs functional and are healthy and well off. always look at those with lesser than you maybe than you’ll find courage to stand up against. Recommend

  • Sophia

    Dear Misunderstood,
    Who ever said this life will be easy? Such tests are sent by Allah only to make you life in the hereafter full of bounty. I know it must suck the life out of you to think that no matter how hard you try you are not able to free your mind from your desire. But, know that Allah can and will never harm His people and the tests sent by Him are only to the limit that one can endure and not beyond that. Maybe Allah knows how well you can resist and therefore is only testing you. Having to live with and love someone who cant see the true you is horrible, but maybe once you marry your desires will be overshadowed by your will to be only what is right and acceptable by the society. And then your feelings will change inshAllah. And maybe that alone was the length of this test. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. No pain is forever. No test is unbearable. Allah is never unfair. You will get reward for this unanswerable situation that requires only your faith in Allah and the Quran and what a reward that will be, one can not even imagine. No life is forever other than the ultimate life with our Creator. If you need more support feel free to message me :) All prayers are with you.Recommend

  • nolabel

    @Sophia:
    This is a very very well written comment. I highly appreciate your words. They resonate the truth. Thank you. I respect it. Greatly. Allah bless you.Recommend

  • Maryam

    My brother, never let go of your imaan and always have faith in Allah. Homosexuals exist and i fully empathize with what you’re dealing with. You will have to confide in your family if they are talking about you getting married…….take an Ulema’s guidance….and stay strong.Recommend

  • http://moralitypolarity.wordpress.com Zaki

    @Anonymous II:

    Why do you have to be anonymous. And had it been you or someone close to you, you wouldn’t be patronizing everyone with your religious nonsense. Enough of it in Pakistan.Recommend

  • aisha

    @Abeer:

    fake or not, it raises some very important issue that need to be addressed.

    Will pray for you, author, and hope life is easy for you…just keep strong :) Recommend

  • http://russianroullete2.wordpress.com Jeddy

    Why is it always easier to hate than to love? Why is it always easier to kill than to let live? Why is it always easier to destroy than it is build? Recommend

  • Elly

    I think its okay to be gay. God made you that way, if people can’t accept you the way you are, that’s their problem.Recommend

  • Sunny

    Its sad to see that many ppl are so confused and ignorant about their religion that they actually thinkk living as a gay is an acceptable way of life in the eyes of their Creator… the comment made by Sophia and all the likes of it make my heart feel at ease that there are still wise people around who remember Allah talah and His teachings.
    May we all recieve Allah’s True guidance and blessings. Esp for the author, i hope u find the truth and have the courage to live according to it. May u have a truly blessed life ahead, never give up on praying and seeking guidance from your Creator who truly loves u and knows whats best for u. AmeenRecommend

  • Hassan

    May the Peace,Mercy,Blessings and Guidance of The Lord Be With You.

    I am homosexual too.I’m male,from Lahore,Pakistan.

    I honestly feel for you brother.There are many like us who go through a phase of extreme emotional pain before coming to terms with our sexuality.

    As you are a practicing Muslim my reply shall be based largely on religious lines.

    I too am a Muslim (Quranist) and I’ve mentally drawn up a list of points,for myself,of dos and don’ts regarding my homosexuality.For you this is my advice:

    1)The test is not fighting our sexual orientation in a bid to change it.The test is whether we give in to this temptation and whether we let our sexual urges grow (by watching porn and like immodest things that heighten desire—I think I’m kinda failing in this regard :P )

    2)Don’t marry a girl.

    3)If you do marry a girl please let it be an Marriage Of Convenience with a lesbian/asexual woman.Even Pakistani women have needs you cannot fulfill and if you act selfishly and ruin their lives The Lord whose approval you seek will certainly not be pleased.Please do not have relationships on the side.

    5)You need not come out.Surely you can stave-off marriage using other excuses.I managed to do so. :)

    6)Masturbate to release the urges.This may not romantically satisfy you but will at least take care of the sexual aspect.
    It is allowed.

    4)You WILL be happy if you are sincere and resist your urges even if it doesn’t seem that way to you friend.Man’s life is divided in two bits,this one and the after-life and Jannah (a state of bliss and perpetual growth) can be found in both :

    5:16 Through this Book God guides to paths of PEACE those who seek His Approval. He brings them out of darkness into the light of His grace, and guides them to the straight path.

    65:2-3 And whoever fears God [abiding by His limits], He shall provide him a way out of his problems and shall provide for him through sources which he could not even have imagined.

    So PLEASE do not be dismayed,dissuaded or depressed.Part of the test is surely how you will handle such situations and retain faith in The Lord who overburdens us not.

    Peace and Blessings.Recommend

  • Gonzo

    I agree with Factor. I would not come out in Pakistan if I were gay. and yes a gay guy would make an ideal husband, most of the time I think my wife wishes I was gay. I dont want to be sensitive, I dont want to just talk, and yes I want to slouch infront of the TV wearing my boxers.
    You know married people hardly ever have sex so you have absolutely nothing to worry about if you do end up getting married. You may need to ‘perform’ on an annual basis, think of it as a trip to the dentist (for you or her I dont know). If one of your performances spawns an offspring or two, thats even better. I’m sure gay guys will make pretty decent fathers.
    Having said all that I have to admit I do turn homophobic at times, especially when I have to try on a shirt and its SLIM FIT. Slim Fit, really? I know us hetro guys made your life miserable but did you have to give us slim fit shirts and scar us for the rest of our bulging belly lives.
    Almost forgot I doubt a gay guy would ever forget his dear wifeys birthday or their wedding anniversary.
    Anyway I hope you find peace. I feel man should quit trying to do Gods job and let people be whatever they want to be. Recommend

  • Gonzo

    @Factor:

    I agree with Factor. I would not come out in Pakistan if I were gay. and yes a gay guy would make an ideal husband, most of the time I think my wife wishes I was gay. I dont want to be sensitive, I dont want to just talk, and yes I want to slouch infront of the TV wearing my boxers.
    You know married people hardly ever have sex so you have absolutely nothing to worry about if you do end up getting married. You may need to ‘perform’ on an annual basis, think of it as a trip to the dentist (for you or her I dont know). If one of your performances spawns an offspring or two, thats even better. I’m sure gay guys will make pretty decent fathers.
    Having said all that I have to admit I do turn homophobic at times, especially when I have to try on a shirt and its SLIM FIT. Slim Fit, really? I know us hetro guys made your life miserable but did you have to give us slim fit shirts and scar us for the rest of our bulging belly lives.
    Almost forgot I doubt a gay guy would ever forget his dear wifeys birthday or their wedding anniversary.
    Anyway I hope you find peace. I feel man should quit trying to do Gods job and let people be whatever they want to be.Recommend

  • A A

    Its a fake story.I have read a lot of stories similar to this one.There are a lot of loopholes in this story.I live in Holland.And Holland was the first country to declare gay marriages legal.Gays from all over the world come here to get married.I have met a lot of gays here and heard there stories.What is the relation between being impotent and being gay.Gays are not impotent.Its there own tendency towards same sex.If there is such punishment for having sex with same gender in Islam then God can never create somebody who is gay by birth, like nobody is thief or terrorist by birth.Its your own path that you choose.And the people who wrote such columns to gain sympathy in my opinion there are pathetic and frankly trash cans.Recommend

  • Anonymous

    Meray bhai . Whatever you do dont tell anybody . Try to make your mind stronger and overcome your urges . By now you know that you are going to live a quiet life . Get used to it . Either way so try your luck and make something of yourself get education may be leave this country . But dont come open in front of anyone . Your life will turn into constant pain. May Allah help you tolerate pain .Recommend

  • A

    I applaud your strength of character in still believing in God and in not wanting to ruin a girl’s life. Since you have embraced not just your sexuality but accepted it as a part of your life, open up about it to your family and if it leads them to ostracize you, then so be it. Otherwise the fear of being discovered and the guilt will never let you be content.
    As for homosexuality and Islam, i have researched this extensively and sources state that God created homosexuals and made this world a difficult test for them, more than the one he set out for the ‘straight’ believers out there. And the reward fro refraining from indulging this sexual attraction in this world is far greater than that for the average Muslim. So when the very religion you believe in does not regard you behavior as a perversion of mind, the people around you (as some of those who have commented) have no right to do so. Recommend

  • Hello

    Well, I am surprised to see some other muslim and pakistani friends are supporting the idea. I would not like to comment on whether it’s right or wrong to be what you are. That’s a separate discussion and I think it’s very well described in our holy book whether it’s good or bad. The main point I want to say here is that please don’t disclose it to your parents and siblings – imagine each one of them, your father, your mother, your two sisters and your elder brother – then think of your extended family: your bhabi, your uncles, aunties, nieces etc … Pakistan is a place where each one of us values family relations, we respect each other and we all know why it’s not appreciated in our society (answer: because it’s prohibited in Islam – so simple). So please don’t say that Pakistan culture is not good and will not accommodate gays – I think we should praise that our society has values. No one would like their kids grow up in the society where gays are appreciated.

    Last thing: at the moment you are the only one who is suffering. When you will disclose this, whole of your family will suffer and even you are not sure whether your suffering will be over afterwards. So better don’t break such a bad news to your beloved family. Recommend

  • jess

    you sound way more considerate and civilised than many of the more “normal” people out there. i cant imagine what it must be like trying to live a lie. may you find peace and understanding. Recommend

  • http://whatdowesaynow.blogspot.com/ freegal

    @Abeer:
    i think you need help, why would somebody post a fake article.

    this guy is gay and he needs help,we are here to help him.Recommend

  • http://whatdowesaynow.blogspot.com/ freegal

    @Saif:
    You need help too……………..some people’s minds are just shut to homosexuality…… what if you were gay too, how would you feel then…………we should respect gay people, like we want to be respected tooRecommend

  • Azmeh

    @Advice:
    It’s been proven time and again that people “curing” homosexuality have reverted back to it I would suggest that you research a little better before condemning someone as a “diseased” man. I don’t know the cause of homosexuality nor am I qualified to pass judgments on whether it is right or wrong. I think each person should choose their own path and always ask Allah for guidance and forgiveness for our sins regardless of our sexuality. Recommend

  • manmale

    oh i see.Recommend

  • Hussain

    I am a male. I am an atheist. I am a Pakistani. And I support you. Recommend

  • Hussain

    you sicken me @Sunny: Recommend

  • fari

    hey there…i felt so sorry for u and what u are going through.ur upbringing and ur close relation with ur creator shows ur sincerity as a person towards ur religion,family and society…let me tell u one thing.the more u suppress ur natural instincts,the more they will catapult back out.first of all stop suppressing yourself.in normal routine don’t even think about it at all.don’t think or feel that u r gay and that it is bad..u don’t have to command yourself to stop being what it is.being Muslims we all know it is a sin__a major sin.first ask urself v sincerely that “do u actually want to change urself to straight or not?”do u really want to be normal?”if the answer is “no”…then the discussion ends right here.its a Muslim country n v are self-sufficient in fundamentalists n conservative groups who will always oppose against giving gay ppl their rights as humans.if the answer is “YES”..n u want to change urself,then the path is hard but i can bet my life on it that it is “not impossible.”why i am saying this is because u are a HUMAN BEING,and humans are gifted with IMMENSE powers to do what is apparently impossible….there was a time when flying in the sky was considered impossible,and today its a common thing…MAN can do wonders.its a big deal when people say that nature cannot be changed..it is possible.if u REALLY are serious about changing urself then first realize ur powers as a human.it will take time and loads n loads of patience but u will be able to do it if u r brave and determined enough.changing urself will cost much cheap and easier than waiting for a revolution in a conservative muslim country.u ll find ur own ways to treat urself because where therez will,therez way.on the way u can use few points as catalysts.looking at ur family and loved ones,how they will feel if they get to know this.how much hurt.u ll get alone in the society…and u cant take ur gay slogan,live with it and leave the rest of the world or can u???ur family may loose life long respect they have gained etc etc…..there r many things u can do….what if someday we see u posting an article about the “miracle happened”…u never know what lies within u…BEST OF LUCK for which ever path u take…choice is completely urs.Recommend

  • Abdullah Ansari

    Buddy! Are you short of funds? or you want to get UK/USA visa?Recommend

  • Endarei

    Also, to those who think there is no natural reason for homosexuality:
    Non-violent population control.
    Not that hard to figure out for someone who isn’t firmly rooted in prejudice and bigotry.
    If someone can non-biasedly scientifically prove, on multiple points, that homosexuality is wrong and harmful, I would be forced to believe them because I seek the truth. Were I capable of doing my own scientific studies, I would, because I prefer to seek my own truth…not ever allow myself to be spoonfed lies by others trying to promote their own agenda. This happens on all sides of every issue.

    Also, why do people keep saying it’s fake? Clarify. Give reasons. I’m curious.Recommend

  • Endarei

    @Hello:
    ‘No one would like their kids to grow up in a society where gays are appreciated.’
    WRONG.
    Small-minded, hateful people or people who like to think their religion hates on this minority group don’t want that, sure. Loving, open-minded people who accept others as they are so long as they aren’t hurting anyone have no problem with this. I sincerely hope that my country will have gotten over the majority of it’s homophobia by the time my son is of an age to understand such things. If it happens that he isn’t heterosexual, I don’t want him to have to deal with all the bullying and hatred GLBT+ students do these days. I love my son, and I want him to live a great and happy life, without ever having to feel looked-down upon for who he loves. :)Recommend

  • babar

    hi…

    i read ur post it feels like its my story…….

    my case is even worse since i m more of a male to female transsexual..i have lived 28 years of my life struggling to be someone i am not…..but i am going crazy now…..thoughts of suicide have started to cross my mind…..i am so afraid to be alone these days as at those time only this one thought comes to my mind….there are countless time when i slap my face over and over so hard that i feel the sting for hours.

    i feel like less of a man day by day…. i cant tell it to my family my friends coz i am sure they will think of me as a pervert…..which i am not……the whole dilemma has started to hurt my social family and professional life……i need help as i am sure i wont be able to live like that anymore…..

    hope ur and mine problems go away one good morning when we wake up…Recommend

  • Sophia A

    Deeply disturbed by the bigotry and hate in some of the comments.:S

    That said, I sincerely hope you find happiness. Do what you want to do, do what makes you happy. I wish you all the best and kudos for trying to understand and accept who you are. I hope that you surround yourself with open minded and understanding people that you can trust at this point in your life. Good luck :)Recommend

  • Mj

    I feel ashamed as a human that you have to go through so much just because of who you are. To people saying that it is a fake article: kindly take head out of the sand. Ignoring something does not make it go away.

    How would you feel if you woke up tomorrow and found out that heterosexuality is banned/ frowned upon. What would you do? Delude yourself into thinking that you are not a homosexual?

    Those those saying that homosexuality goes against the order of nature: kindly read this article
    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/science-news/5550488/Homosexual-behaviour-widespread-in-animals-according-to-new-study.html

    Even if it not natural then, he or she as an adult of sound mind has a choice to live his/her life as he wants to. As long as a person is not harming anyone else, what right do you have of dictating how he live his life? If your favorite music is rock then can I force you to accept classical as your preferred music? No, it not possible, not without extensive brainwashing or therapy as many of you seem to be suggesting to the author to change his orientation.

    Dear Author, the trouble of your non-acceptance comes from religious dogma penned in the Bronze Age. Do consider that for a moment.Recommend

  • Azi

    Hi, just want u to know that there are ppl out there who understand you well and can relate to what you feel. I’m a 32 year old female, straight as one can be but I have grown up knowing someone who’s the same age yet has been gay. And no it wasn’t a chosen thing for that person. I have been through the painful journey of this persons life and seen them suffer at so many levels but I can tell u today that, that persons truly happy and has more in life than had ever hoped for and the only reason we can all see behind that is this persons endless blind faith in Allah. If Allah has created u this way it is for a reason and only He has the right to judge and no other than Him. So, just hold on tight to that faith and try to be in a surrounding a place that will allow u to breathe a little. If u can, move out of Pakistan. That will help. And remember, straight or gay we all have our share of the burdens and it’s not only the gays that lie to their loved ones everyday. :-) most of us live a lie each day!
    Stay well.Recommend

  • querety

    @Advice:
    it’s not treated, it’s a lie

    and it shouldnt be treated as otherwise he wont be himself

    this kind of therapy includes only advice to pray and to understand that women are better, and that being a gay is a sin, that’s it! it cant be treated with any medication, only with brainwashing which is never goodRecommend

  • S.Y

    i am going through exactly same situation except this gf part..
    i don’t know what to do…many write psychiatrist can help.. let me know if any can help. because psychiatrists outside pakistan don’t consider it a disease.Recommend

  • Saad

    umm… i dont know how it works…. but i think as long as you are not engaged in homosexual relationships…. which the religion prohibits….. you can be a religious man…..
    Moreover, i also believe all this straightness and homosexuality is mind directed…. we feel what we want to feel…. I don’t think anyone is gay or anyone is straight…. once you agree to the “terms” of life…. you get used to doing stuff the way it is…. if for an instance….. you KNOW that you cant be gay….. and you HAVE to be straight…. and you have to marry a GIRL…. wouldn’t it change the way you oversee all this??

    Anyway, i do hope you figure something out…. try to immigrate….. here you can never have a respectable life.!Recommend

  • Abdullah

    Brother,
    Its not what you think you are. its natural that male and females are attracted towards each other. Allah has made all of us this way. but if you think that you are of different orientation then thats a problem. its not a disease but a psychological problem. I can only tell you to read the Quraan as its the best of all guidence available. Fear Allah. Read how qoum-Loot were destroyed.. Pray that you may rise from the people of emaan on the day of resurrection. evaluate yourself again Allah has made a few laws..as you wrote above that cant you be what you are and be close to your religion?.. do u think you are obeying Allah by convincing yourself that you are different?. its not that you are weak or anything all is a matter of will power. pray to Allah that he may help you come out of this situation. Today we see these stuff on TV and the internet more often hence the more we see the more we indulge in it. dont go in a wrong direction. This life is short here. one wrong step can lead you to a severe azaab on the day of resurretion. think about it and stay away from such gunaah. in the end i pray for all those who are going through these conditions that they all come out of it and live the beauty of ISlam and natural laws. get married inshaAllah. im sure things will be very different then inshaAllah. May Allah bless us all and especially you. ameen
    Abdullah godilRecommend

  • Grim

    @Abdullah:
    Mr. Bigot! Being gay was NOT the crime of the people of Lot. It was rape. THEY USED TO RAPE PEOPLE, and kids and animals and even angels in the form of humans. THAT WAS THEIR CRIME. Stop trying to act so pious and think you know everything. Have you even read the Qur’an that you’re telling him to read? Fix yourself first. Recommend

  • Abdullah

    @Grim:
    dude. where are u taking my conversation?….i never said he is from qoum-e-loot.. dont get emotional here. this guy needs help. thats all everyone is doing. Period!Recommend

  • Anique

    @Rabayl Manzoor Memon:

    Thanks for saying that to him Rabayl. As a gay guy myself, you and Anonymous himself are huge inspirations. Please continue to do what you do. Thousands of gay boys and girlls stumble onto your articles and feel peace. Recommend

  • Nick Ember

    You are incredibly brave and beautiful. I have gone through the same thing, and I was living in Saudi Arabia at the time I discovered I was gay, which was pretty early for me. You deserve a chance at happiness and at all that life has to give, because believe me, this world can be soul shatteringly beautiful. As for religion, I’m a skeptic, I appreciate that you have kept your faith but I was not inclined towards religion even before I discovered my homosexuality. If there is a God, and he loves you seventy times more than your mother, then how can he punish you? How can he disapprove his own creation? Please be courageous and stick to being yourself. The times are changing. I just saw two gay guys hug each other openly in Lahore, nobody said anything to them. It doesn’t mean rapid change is coming, but the mindset is changing, so just hold on to that hope.Recommend

  • Grim

    @Abdullah:
    It doesn’t matter what you accused him of; I’m saying the story of the People of Lot is completely misinterpreted and we won’t suffer the same fate as them because our crimes are different from theirs (if ours are crimes at all!).Recommend

  • Khawer

    @Advice: You’re talking about it like its a disease! Its natural and many birds are gay http://www.bbc.co.uk/nature/14479670Recommend

  • hani

    @Khawer:
    i am sick and tired of hearing this flawed piece of logic..if its natural that doesn’t mean you have to do it..why do u have to compare yourself with a bird or an animal..they’re WILD!..we are cultured we have a consciousness we can choose whats right and whats best for us…it may not be a disease but it is outrageous.. if one starts accepting it then just imagine the kind of consequences it is going to have…
    and one more thing.. to all the advocates of “homosexuality being natural”..explain something..if its natural then why aren’t we biologically equipped for performing that particular ritual(since this is a public forum i cant explain it here)… its filthy and its disgustingRecommend

  • Setter

    @Advice:
    Are you kidding me???!!!!!!!!!!! If research shows anything, it is that homosexuality is common in nature and is a completely natural process as natures means of population control. Furthermore, studies which have been done on identicle twins shows even more support that gays are born gay. And research also suggests that those who are homophobic to extremes are gay themselves. Therefore, if someone is saying, “I hate gays” it should raise a red flag in our minds that that homophobic or bigoted person is gay themselves. Stop twisting the facts to try to justify your own dislike of gays. Gay people should rise up all over the world to face this ignorance and hate that we are confronted with daily. Once the world sees just how many there are of us then they’ll be astonished. Two men in love with each other or two women in love with each other does not hurt or affect anyone in a negative way. My suggestion to you homophobes and bigots all over the world is to mind your own business and worry about your own life instead of finding ways in your religious doctrines to hate on other people. Life is too short for hate. Stop trying to control everybody and just love everyone including gays. You don’t have to agree with what someone is or does to love them. But you don’t have to persecute them either. Worry about your own self and the rest of the world will take care of itself just the same. Recommend

  • Sarah

    I have a question and I would really prefer it if some religious scholar (Someone who has thoroughly studied Quran and not just under one school) could answer it for me.

    The story of Hazarat Loot, is it the only story mentioned in Quran that discusses homosexuals? And if it is, weren’t those people more than just homosexuals? Whenever I’ve heard of this story, they were performing acts clearly prohibited by Islam (every sin imaginable) and they were also forcing Hazarat’s Loot’s family to hand over the angels so they could perform those sins (not just homosexual acts but forced homosexual acts). The city was chaos itself.

    My question is is it possible that people assumed that Allah meant homosexual acts and not just forced and every other sin Allah strictly disapproves of? Does it clearly say homosexual acts is prohibited or rape especially in this form or something like that?

    This area of discussion has such a large taboo stamped on it that you can actually look at a person quiver in fear and discomfort if one even implies the start of such discussion, especially for those people who consider themselves strictly religious. Which is why also I have to wonder if it had ever been easy for any scholar to advise along such line (especially considering how many presumed scholars abuse their power, leaving the real educated scholars in minority.

    I am a Muslim girl and I am ignorant. I am ignorant because it has been drilled in my mind by my society not to allow my mind to wander towards such topics.

    I am ignorant because I am scared of knowing you have to kill a homosexual or treat him short of an animal till he ‘treats’ himself or treat that person like he has a disease because I love Allah more than anything and can’t accept no matter what that He would allow this.

    I am also ignorant because I know Allah knows far more and far better than I or anyone else can ever be capable of which unfortunately leads me and several people like me on a cross road they don’t know is wrong or right.

    I have full faith in Allah but I do not have full faith in Muslims. Not all Muslims, because like any human beings they can be wrong especially in a fit of passion towards something they love, often doing wrong to what they love instead.

    I’m ignorant enough to not know if gay people can control themselves or not but I know that as much as no one likes to be shunned for being what others are not,those who are not there and can’t understand because of not being able to relate to it are just as not happy shunning people out, at least not all of them. Wouldn’t it be a perfect world if everyone had the strength and circumstance to be able to stand by you and protect you. They don’t. And they should be pitied in the nicest way for being so scared. But some do, and they should be appreciated even more to be such inspirations.. And for the sake of those who are not, I hope and pray Allah gives u and everyone going through something similar the patience and strength to go through this stronger and happier than how you are now. Ameen

    I’d like to repeat I’m an ignorant Muslim girl and I somewhat expect some people to shun me for speaking out about being ignorant when other people are happily pretending they are not.

    I’d also like to repeat I’m terrified of being educated on this matter.

    But I want to be educated.Recommend

  • http://Karachi Anwar Hasan

    Hasrat Loot is mentioned in the Quran as a prophet. His people were guilty of homosexuality and of rape (both). He was send by God to stop his people from doing these unnatural acts and crimes. God send angels as handsome men (yes it says handsome!) and the people wanted to do unnatural acts with them. Prophet Loot tried to stop them and even offered his virgin daughters to the people but they rejected his offer and wanted the men.

    In the Bible there is a different version. Lut is not a prophet but a pious man. The homosexuality and the rape is the same. The difference is that in the Bible “Lut’s daughters got him drunk and had incest relation with their father”. This is not there in the Quran.

    This is to the best of my knowledge and understanding. If anyone has any other reference please let me know. Read about it on Wikipedia.Recommend

  • Uzma

    For the person who wrote this, I think you should know that you are not alone in the pain that you feel. Firstly, I’m sure there’s many people out there who find it hard to be open about their sexuality, especially when people assume that homosexuality is a quality trait people acquire by choice. But in our society, thats how we are when it comes to relationships..we assume everyone must be the same. I think there are many others who, for one reason or other, wonder if they will spend their life alone. I really hope that you are able to find the courage one day to open up to your family and that they will be understanding and supportive. More importantly, I hope that someday you do find someone. Hats off to you for writing this article, and to ET for publishing it.

    As for Anonymous II, going on about how homosexuality is a sin…i think the world would be a much much better place without people like you in it!Recommend

  • Another one…

    Great work Tribune for printing this. I say one should have the right to practice anything they want, like, love as long as they do not impact upon others……Sounds good in texts but in Pakistan one needs to bring about a revolution of “plurality” to have equal rights for everyone!

    Being from the “fraternity” myself, I know how it feels like to be gay in Pakistan. Try this, start by sharing with your close friends. It will give you confidence ( Well it worked for me )……Recommend

  • Grim

    @Sarah:
    Preach, sister. Those are the kind of words, and the kind of mindset, that all of us need to have in this day and age. Why accept something at face value when you can strive for logic and reason (and that even is encouraged in Islam, to seek answers).

    People of Lot were sinners of the highest decree. Rape is JUST as wrong whether done to a man, woman, kid, whatever. Doing it to ANGELS elevates the sin to unreasonable levels. People of Lot were corrupt, rapists, immoral, and downright evil. There are countless accounts of people of different nations being punished by Allah, and the fact that they are the people more readily accepted in society than homosexuals (who don’t even have defined punishment in the Qur’an, as opposed to zina and theft) is just WRONG. Open your eyes people. C’est la realité.Recommend

  • seeker

    @Anonymous II:
    every word you wrote is what I WANTED TO WRITE, thanks a lot for sparing me from the effort.
    I t is also a good reply to the people who alwys wantedto find some fault either in our society(the narrow minded H indu readership)or in our religion as they themselves have embraced every evil with open arms so they feel very comfortable with the people proceeding on the same path.

    THUMS UP TO YOU ANNONYMOUS Recommend

  • seeker

    @Anwar Hasan:
    HAZRAT LUT’S people were blamed for homosexuality(by choice) and robbery.
    As regards Bible account about him or any other prophet it is erroneous,for instance they consider Hazrat Isshaq as the only son of hazrat Ibrahim and also consider that he was the one who was taken for the sacrifice where as it is proved and told to us by H oly Quran that he had two sons FROM HIS TWO WIVES the one from hazrat Hajira (ismaeel)and one from Sarah(ishaq)but as prophet Muhammad was fromHAZRAT Ismaeel’s lineage so Christain and jews preferred not to accept him as Ismail’s son.

    econdly,Christain and jews , in particular, do not mind lowering the esteem of prophets by portraying them like equal human beings or sometimes even less.
    I f you are really interested in reading about the differences (as there are many)I recommend you to read tafheem ul quran by Maulana modoode Recommend

  • http://www.scribd.com/doc/63466375/A-Silent-Struggle-to-the-Straight-Path silentstruggle

    my brother have sabr, and trust in allah

    http://www.scribd.com/doc/63466375/A-Silent-Struggle-to-the-Straight-Path

    check out the following link, inshallah it will show you a way out of this sickness.

    may allah subdue your nafs for you so you may remain steadfast on siratul mustaqeem.,

    Ameen.Recommend

  • Bodhi

    Stay strong and true to yourself.
    I am American, Buddhist, and also gay.
    I recently told my family & my father told me he loved me for the first time I remember in my life. My mother was not as supportive, and she simply ignores that facet of my life.
    Your road is difficult, brother. My prayers & support are with you.Recommend

  • someone-who-is-also-gay

    some of the comments left on this article are totally ridiculous! ..

    I’m also gay .. it’s as natural to me as anything else .. and if given the chance to be born again, I’d chose to be born gay .. it’s given me and taught me so much about life .. things I wouldn’t have felt or known otherwise ..

    there is absolutely nothing wrong with you .. you’re not a bad person .. you’re not a sinner …. and, if anything, you’re slightly more honest than the rest of us ..

    it is certainly not easy being gay .. I’d like these people giving us advice to spend a day in our shoes ..

    I wish you the best of luck .. Recommend

  • a girls’ mother…

    i feel sad for u. But whatever u do, i beg u not to marry a healthy, young, innocent girl, like my son in law did, and disclosed the REAL reason of his impotency was being a gay, after 1 yr of an un-consumated marriage.
    Just tell yr mother that u r impotent, and in-curable, but do not succumb to family pressure for marriage, and scarr not only a young bubbly laughing girl, but her whole family…..
    May Allah help u, and save all innocent girls from liars and cheats, too. ameen.Recommend

  • Pakistani

    Move to US!!!Recommend

  • Karachiite

    Homosexuality is not allowed in Islam because of the inability of the couple to reproduce and create a family.
    It doesnot obey the HOLY institution of marriage.
    Its an infatuation and abnormality that can be cured.Recommend

  • MNB

    If I would have been in your shoes I would have moved out, & would have gone somewhere far away; so that the matter of my marriage stops bothering others so much & they rather worry about my health & well-being. I would have made myself extremely busy in doing something good for our brothers (with whom if we compare our pain, we thank ALLAH for showering His Blessings over us).
    I wish you good :)
    take careRecommend