It’s not easy being gay

Published: July 29, 2011

I am a male. I am a Muslim. I am a Pakistani and I am gay.

I come from a deeply religious family, where everyone prays five times a day and reads the Qur’an every day.

I came to the realization when I was eighteen-years-old, while I was in a relationship with my first girlfriend. Even though I was with her, I did not feel any sort of attraction towards her. The only feeling that I felt for her was of a friendly affection, nothing more and nothing less.

I say realization, but deep down I suppose I always knew that I was different from all the other guys. I never used to sit and ogle at girls and pass comments about them, but at the time I attributed that to my upbringing and to the fact that I had learned to respect women, having lived with three very admirable women at home, my mother and my sisters. And even though that still stands true, now I understand that it was something else – something inside me which made me think and behave differently.

I began to hate myself when I gradually became more and more convinced about my sexuality, trying to cut myself with any sharp thing I could lay my hands on, knives, scissors, blades, anything at all.

Whenever such thoughts came into my head, I went and locked myself in my room and tried to hurt myself.

I started to pray even more. I sat on the prayer mat for minutes and hours on end crying, begging Allah to change me, not to make me the way I was turning out to be.

I thought Allah was testing me, that He was testing my faith, my imaan; that He wanted to see if I could fight temptation. But I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I struggled or how much I prayed and asked for help, I failed every time.

Now I’m reaching that age where my parents are starting to discuss my marriage and whenever I listen into their conversation, a part of me dies inside.

The feelings of helplessness and impotency that I go through cannot be compared to anything else.

My parents have been planning my wedding ever since my older brother got married eight years ago: how can I go and tell them that I cannot get married? How will I be able to live with myself if (or when) I am married, knowing that I’ve ruined an innocent girl’s life because surely I will never be able to give her the love and intimacy that she truly deserves?

Sometimes I contemplate on whether I should tell my family the truth and stop living a lie, thinking that they will love me no matter what. Then my fantasy comes to a grinding halt. My bubble bursts, when I hear my sister or my brother passing comments full of hate and prejudice about gay men and how much they detest them, whenever they see them on television or in person. I sit and think what they would say to me, if anything at all.

But now I feel that I’ve come to terms with whom and what I am.

I have accepted this fact, that no matter how hard I try I will not be able to change myself. Although, that does not mean I’ve moved away from my religion or from Allah. Why can I not be who I am and stay close to my faith at the same time? Why does it always have to be one or the other and never both?

The average person tends to think that people like me are the way we are because we choose to be this way. This may be true for some people, but it definitely was not true for me.

Why would I choose to live a life where I have to constantly lie to all those who I care about? Why would I choose to live a meaningless life where I may never be happy? Why would I choose to be this way when I’m fully aware of what my family would do to me, if they ever were to find out the truth about me?

Anonymous

Anonymous

The blogger wishes to remain anonymous.

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Ihk

    Brother, I really dont know what to say, just that I hope and pray to Allah that you get peace in your life.

    a sister
    Recommend

  • http://obamasaysdomore.wordpress.com Rabayl Manzoor Memon

    Thank you for writing this, you know who you are. I’m so sorry our prejudice and indifference has made it that much more difficult for you. I wish we could make it better.

    Solidarity. Till we see a brighter day.Recommend

  • Advice

    Homosexuality can be treated by proper therapy, i recomment you to check it online. Research concludes that this is not genetic or inherent, and in many cases has been treated. Im sorry about the way you feel considering your religious inclination. It must be hell. RegardsRecommend

  • deathcase

    im speechless..

    thumbs up to ET for publishing this piece.. we need to live and let live.Recommend

  • Anon

    My bubble bursts, when I hear my
    sister or my brother passing comments
    full of hate and prejudice about gay
    men and how much they detest them,
    whenever they see them on television
    or in person. I sit and think what
    they would say to me, if anything at
    all.all.

    They probably have never had to confront their opinions. Pakistani society is very good at insulating people from the ‘other’ so they probably have never thought rationally about it. Faced with a actual choice where they have to think about it, their opinions will likely change. A lot of ppl hold vehement positions against others due to narrow minded interpretations of religion, which is often at odds with humanity. There is nothing wrong with non-muslims, gays or kittens, and most people come to the same conclusion with faced with reality rather than rhetoric and hate drummed into them by society and twisted mullahs.

    Give them a chance. Recommend

  • AA

    Move out of the country. It will be very difficult for you to stay in Pakistan. Your parents will be hounding you to get married. Soon the whole family clan will join in . It will get harder and harder for you to stay. Get out as soon as you can.Recommend

  • http://twitter.com/#!/HennaJaved Henna

    Support you 100 per cent. Please always be true to yourself. It will not be easy to come out to your family. And NEVER let bigoted and ignorant people get to you, EVER. You are better than them.
    Once again, I, for one, support you with all my heart and soul. I hope and hope and hope your family will accept the true you!!!Recommend

  • Hassan

    Dear Brother,

    I appreciate ur honesty and care abt every thing asscoiated and to b asscoiated with u.
    Why dont you contact any psychiatric? I can help u out inshAllah if u wish.Recommend

  • AA

    Thumbs up to ET for publishing this article.Recommend

  • http://www.facebook.com/noman.ansari Noman Ansari

    Credit to the writer for putting this piece together and T.E.T. for publishing it. No one should be discriminated against if they aren’t harming others. Live and let live. Recommend

  • Anonymous II

    Islam teaches that homosexual acts are sinful and punishable by God. This teaching comes not from human beings, but from the Creator of all humans. God tells us in His own words how He punished the people of Lot for their homosexual behaviour. The story of the prophet Lot, on whom be peace, finds mention in several Qur’anic passages (see especially Qur’an 26:l60 – 75). From these passages we learn that God saved Lot and the righteous ones of his family, and rained on the rest a shower of brimstone, so they were utterly destroyed. This is mentioned in the Qur’an not only for the sake of information, but mainly to serve as a warning to anyone who dares to repeat such acts. Muslims believe that every human action leads to consequences. Good actions entail good results, and evil actions entail evil consequences. Some of these consequences may not become known for many years after a certain action. The consequences of some actions will become manifest only after death when one enters a new, everlasting life.

    A common mistake among humans is that if they do not see any negative consequences for their actions they consider their actions harmless. Human experience has taught us that a source of superior knowledge can be of tremendous benefit to humans. In the past, doctors unwittingly gave blood tainted with the AIDS virus to thousands of patients. If a source of superior knowledge had warned us beforehand, and we paid attention to that warning, we could have saved many people from this deadly disease.

    God, the source of all knowledge, warns us of His punishment if people perpetrate homosexual acts. Let us pay attention and learn the easy way. Some will say that a person may be born with homosexual tendencies. We say that everyone is a free agent. God lays before us two paths and has given us knowledge of where these paths lead. One is the path to which the devil calls us. We must avoid that. Another is the path leading to paradise. We must stick to that one. Everyone experiences evil prompting from time to time. We must resist those with all our might. If one feels a tendency to do something that God prohibits, he or she should seek help from a community of loving, caring, believers who would understand his or her difficulty and help him or her overcome it. A common ploy of the devil is to convince people that they cannot avoid sin. Then they do not even try. But God promises that the devil can have no lasting power over those who sincerely seek God (see Qur’an 15:42). Finally, our bodies are given to us in trust from God. One should not use his or her body contrary to the user guide provided by its Maker. Consenting adults also need God’s consent.Recommend

  • zeeshan

    well,they will c0me to kn0w abt it s0me day,so it is better for you to tell them the truth,so that they will stop forcing you for marriage.I know it will be very difficult for you and will create a lot of problems for you,but it will release the burden you are carrying,And yes Allah Tallah is testing you and your Imaan,and you have be patient,and have to control on yourself,as long as you can,and leave the rest to Almighty Allah.Recommend

  • waleed khan

    You came from a conservatiove family and had a girlfried by 18 years of age? …. Not so conservative.Recommend

  • Mirza Abeer

    Let me begin by saying that I absolutely abhor homosexuality and consider it wrong an so many levels. At the same time I will admit that homosexual people should be treated equally. That does NOT mean right to marriage or adoption but right to life without persecution.
    I am not aware of Islam stating that homosexuals are to be killed or such but I do no that almost all major religions forbid it. Dude you have to either suck it up and try to control those urges or blurt it all out and make your life a living hell. Google yourself some help, contrary to your belief there might be people who passed through such a trying period in their life and turned completely hetro. Recommend

  • Factor

    Thank you ET for pulishing this! I happen to know a couple of very very close people who i have literally grown up infront of my eyes. I can very well relate to what you are saying and can vouch for how common this and true this experience is.

    The bitter truth my friend is that a gay person’s life is one of the most lonely and miserable ever. You will slowly see your friends and family making hte transition into married life and you will be left alone.

    The bright side is that most women in Pakistan are not sexually aware, their idea of intimate relationship has very less to do with bedroom activities. So you wont have to really be into it and they wont know the difference. The other bright side is that spending a night with a guy will never attract any attention so you can very easily continue your activities with these “Close Friends”.

    So my advice is that you should get married. You’ll be a better and more caring husband then most men out there. Its been done before and happens more often than you would know.

    But never and i repeat never come out of the closet!!!Recommend

  • http://saidcanblog.blogspot.com Said Chaudhry

    It was heart wrenching to read your post. I hope you find strength and courage in the fact that a growing number of people are beginning to understand your situation. I hope tomorrow will be better than today. I also hope the world around you learns to comprehend & accept you as you are. Peace. Recommend

  • sars

    maybe you dont have to tell them send them a link to this and let them figure it out.The truth always comes out in the end.Recommend

  • Maria

    I knew that as soon as I would read the FB comments I would find a torrent of bigotry, prejudice and ignorance. So I post here. I understand how much you may be suffering. Courage. And think that you are the only one who can change things. Recommend

  • http://www.adnanjabbar.com Dr. Adnan

    Well first of all I would like to commend that what a brave step you have taken to define your true existence. As you know that there is no valid rights or law to protect the LGBT community in our country but still you should remember that there are people like us who are behind you to take care of you and raise voice for your rights.

    The topic which you have raised is very sensitive and it needs educational talk rather than ranting and what-not.

    Stay in-touch with my twitter account to get information what better we are doing to help the LGBT community.

    Twitter : @adnanjabbar

    Best Regards,
    Dr. Adnan
    Lahore, Pakistan.Recommend

  • amna

    @Factor:
    don’t give him wrong advise..if u are gay and not loyal to ur wife n continue sleeping with men after marriage..that doesn’t mean he has to continue that his whole life n not be able to live an honest life..someone has to take the first step..more gays should come out if they want their rights..Recommend

  • http://gaypakicetus.blogspot.com The Sea

    You need to stand up. Quietly though. Reach out to your mother first.
    Always it isn’t our fault we’re gay. Why do we suffer for it? That’s what Dan savage says, we don’t have to beg our parents for anything. If there’s anything they like in the age they’re now is FACETIME with their kids. Tell them you’re gay. Give them a year of good explanation, listen to what they say and give arguments. After that one year tell them that if they’re not ok with you being who you are, they don’t deserve your love. Most parents come around. Mom’s usually do. Dads come around later.

    Find similar people in your family. I have a cousin who married an Afro American Christian man. She was deserted. But a few years later I see her parents go to live at her place and they’ve accepted it. Recommend

  • http://www.christopherfbezzina.com Christopher Bezzina

    You are loved by God specifically because you are gay and different. I am not a Muslim but I came to realize that God loves me because I am Gay. We are different and a minority and that is why he loved us so much more then others who hold the power. The problem is not you but society who doesn’t accept gay people, who thinks a man should in a macho way, and a woman should be a property of men. This is not love and personally I think God hates when society puts people into boxes. I cannot offer you advise how to deal with your family because I do not know the dynamics of Muslim families. If by not marrying and by saying you are gay you can get killed then honestly first protect your life!! Sending you a hug and I will pray for you!Recommend

  • M Ali Khan

    @Advice: “Homosexuality can be treated by proper therapy”

    excuse me? homosexuality is NOT a disease or a mental condition! It is a sexual orientation that is part and parcel of what the person is from birth! It even exists in nature and animals!

    LGBT issues do NOT have a ‘medical cure’. The so-called ex-gay movement and techniques used by conservative christians in USA has shown to be a failed flop and a way of mentally torturing young people taught to be ashamed about their feelings and sexuality.

    The ignorance and homophobia of our masses (esp. religious cultures) is sickening given how they perceive loving someone of the same sex as a disease. Gay people exist in the world, deal with it, accept it, and help them fight the prejudices.Recommend

  • Another One of Those

    One of the major factors why there haven’t been a lot of visible respected gay and bisexual individuals in our society is that not only we are a conservative society, we are also very communal as well by nature. Assimilation, then, becomes an essential part of how the society works, which exaggerates the problem for gay (and bisexual individuals).

    For the individuals who purport the “therapy to cure homosexuality” as a viable option, there has been no conclusive evidence (or no evidence at all, in most cases) that those therapies work. And trust me, when I say it, getting married and having a family (and henceforth becoming a “hetero”), doesn’t solve the problem. Married men have boyfriends on the side, because they cannot be intimate with their wives.

    Without feeling what a gay man goes through, esp in Pakistan, one shouldn’t pass judgment. I agree with the author what the author says, and as a gay person as well, if I had a choice to be straight, I will be. Nobody likes to be in the persecuted group, willingly. How can I suppress my natural instincts for something, when the other option feels like so wrong (despite what my upbringing has led me to believe).

    Kudos for printing this!

    CheersRecommend

  • Abeer

    i think article is fakeRecommend

  • Ayesha

    All the best luck in the world!! I have very close friends who are gay and it’s extremely difficult to come out, wherever you are. You have been courageous and continue to do so. And please please don’t marry a girl. I’ve seen a very close girl friend suffer and at the end she had a nervous breakdown. The only exception is you come out in front of the girl, if she’s ready, then go ahead. But in any case, hang in there..there are many people who understand your right to live!!Recommend

  • Nuwas Manto

    First of all:
    To all the low IQ people who are declaring homosexuality is treatable condition.Where is this advice you speak of “ADVICE”?
    There is no research from authentic and respectable institution which states homosexuality either as a disease or as treatable. The failure of Reparative Therapy is clear.you want to put 10% of human population through agonizing and torturous techniques even after its been known that they fail and result at the maximum in 0.04-0.5% success? Shame on you then! To feel secure you want to put homosexuals through torture.
    And it has been proven time and again that its genetic. The area in the brain was located by 2005. However SPECIFIC genes have not been discovered and thats not a point in your favor because given billions of genes I dont doubt they’d have to wait another decade atleast before coming otu with “Gay” gene. Yes Genes arent the only ones responsible. Social factors do count .BUT the trouble is we DONT know what social factors simulate these genes and in what conditions.Thus a useless knowledge so far. Plus even SOCIAL CONSTRUCTIVISTS DONT think homosexuality can be cured even if socially constructed!Recommend

  • m q

    @Factor:

    I agree that he might make a good husband, but i dont know how fair this would be to the girl he ends up marrying. If he was living in a western country life might have been a little easier for him but you are right…he’s better off NOT coming out of the closet while living in Pakistan. However, such things cannot stay hidden for very long, sooner or later people will begin to notice his ways and sadly enough, start talking about him….Recommend

  • G

    @Advice:
    Actually, research says almost completely different. Kindly keep your facts in check with the real world.
    Thank youRecommend

  • AnotherFishInTheSea

    I can so relate to you! Even though I don’t come from a religious family as such, but I still had a similar childhood.. A childhood of shame, guilt, confusion and self-hate. But now, neing 23 years old and finding my ground, I realize this is the way I am. Now the thought of getting married in the next few years already gives me sleepless nights.

    I’m surprised at some people asking to get homosexuality treated. It is NOT an illness. While I’m also happy at the support people have shown. Just goes on to show we do have an accepting society.

    Whoever you are, thank you for sharing this and making me realize I haven’t been alone in my fight. I wish you’d find a way out of all this mess. Good luck!Recommend

  • Naveed Ahmed

    There is no doubt that in Islam homosexuality is considered ‘sinful’. Homosexuality as far as Islam is concerned is a profound mistake ( as are all sins if they are not intending to do wrong). Humans are not homosexuals by nature. People become homosexuals because of their environments. Particularly critical is the environment during puberty. Suggestions, ideas & strange dreams are symptoms of confused attempts to understand new and blunt sexual desires and are rashly interpreted as defining someone as being one sexuality or another. If these conclusions are accompanied by actual homosexual acts they are even more strongly reinforced.

    Human instincts can be subjected to acts of will. Sexuality is a choice of identity which follows choices of action which follow from choices of what to have sexual fantasies about. Human beings are especially able to control their thoughts, entertaining some and dismissing others.Recommend

  • MT

    I dont know about this publication, why does this need to be published at all? is it to intice people or to calm them by telling the dark secrets of our lives and the way the society is evolving. It only comes across the board that many of lives are effected by a cliche which burdens almost all of us, but publishing it takes it into the step which should have not been done maybe.

    To provide for much a shame, the problem is not treated, it is just advertised for a specific propaganda or glory or a shameless trait of some, not to mention dragginng religion into it. Recommend

  • truth

    @M Ali Khan
    When has it ever been proven that you born homosexual . No scientist has ever proven this is true. So please do everyone a favour. Stop spreading lies.Recommend

  • Adil Mirza

    You said you are from a family where people read Quran everyday, Bro I wish they would have read it with translation and told you how life a beautiful life. I would recommend you to go for the treatment someone suggested above.
    I just pray you understand the meaning and reality for life and go for inner peace.
    Lots of prayers for you.Recommend

  • Ambreen

    I suggest you should not come up with impulsive conclusions to legitimise homosexuality- a sinister frame of mind that has been clearly forbidden. Meditation and inspiration will go a long way. Don’t give up on prayers and hope just because you dont see red hearts blossoming in the air everytime you see someone of the opposite sex. Happy self-discovery! :) Recommend

  • http://www.facebook.com/noman.ansari Noman Ansari

    @Advice:

    Homosexuality is not a disease to be treated, is it? It is like the color of your skin; it is a trait. Recommend

  • Javed Afridi

    To say the least, this is all fictional. and has nothing to do with reality. This person does not exit and the writer is just trying to encourage people with some sort of weird tendencies that sometimes individual fall prey to, just as our so-called ‘Hakeems’ would do. Recommend

  • Female Hitch

    You are absolutely normal. Stop singling yourself out, take a bold stance and declare you are homosexual. Many men in Pakistan are gay and still maintain their sense of pride. There is a bigger population than you can imagine who are like you in Pakistan. However, I am not sure which class structure you belong to.Recommend

  • Aye

    You should let your family know. Be honest. Best of luck. Hope you find peace.Recommend

  • Manahil B.

    This is a very touching article, and I feel for you. I’m extremely sympathetic.
    My issue here is, why has your initial belief that God was testing you suddenly converted to an acceptance that ‘this is who I am’? God’s tests are sometimes extremely harsh, on-going for years, even more painful. Why is that you have decided that this test of God is actual reality, that you are gay, when He still just might be…testing you? And of course you’re a Muslim. In Islam, being gay isn’t sinful. It’s PRACTICING homosexuality that’s wrong (sodomy, marriage to a member of the same gender). How is it that you’ve decided that this is your fate, that being gay is okay, when practising homosexuality is forbidden in the Holy Quran and Ahadis of the Prophet (PBUH)? Where is the point that you decided that you can be gay and it isn’t a ‘test’ anymore?Recommend

  • Factor

    I know its hard to understand but the only options i see are:

    Never get married, stay alone forever or live with a partner in your house making sure you attract enough questions and attention to make your life a living hell and effectively denying you a family life.
    Otherwise …. get married …. live the lie …. believe me all of us are living it one way or the other. Atleast the girl wont have to worry about you running off and marrying another woman. Who knows you might start liking the girl eventually … most women find the idea of sex disgusting before marriage also!
    Recommend

  • Hira

    @Factor: Most women do NOT find the idea of sex disgusting. Marriage with a gay man for companionship alone would be better than an abusive marriage but I really don’t think girls are dreaming up ways of how to get out of sex. We like it. Really.Recommend

  • Mariya

    I have sympathy for the writer BUT

    Here is another typical ‘conservative’ family whose sons have girl friends since age 18! but they think they are pious enough to point fingers at others

    ‘Conservative’ family which prays 5 times a day and feel its their BIRTH RIGHT to point fingers at OTHERS!

    Pakistan is turning into hell because of this ‘conservative families’. Conservative families who cover heads and pretend to pray 5 times but along this they are the most evil human being.

    Will be interesting to see parents reaction whenever this boy comes out of the closet. I guess the parents will take it as a test from god because they prayed 5 times a day. Recommend

  • A.Malik

    Following is an interesting discussion on the same topic. Comments are especially very informative. Check the comments from “Sister Conviction2Change”

    http://muslimmatters.org/2009/04/13/dealing-with-homosexual-urges/Recommend

  • Zahoor

    As you have said that you have no attraction toward girls, so even if you dont marry even then you wont be a potential BURAYEE in the society as you have no interest toward girls. And marriage is sunnat not farz. So i recommend you not to marry, go see some dr if it helps and then go for marriage. I cant allow gayism.Recommend

  • Fooz

    a fake article…Recommend

  • U kittah

    Brother,
    our Imaan doesn’t allows us this thing..
    but if you have it,
    naturally or psychologically,
    my advice is to hold it till your last breath..
    never let it get over your Imaan, your religion..
    you are not a unique person who have this problem,
    there are a lot of our brothers who are having this problem, even in Pakistan..
    If your Family wants you to get married,
    no need to tell them the whole story,
    just make them realize that you would not be able to keep your wife happy if you got married,
    so better not be married..
    Pray to Allah to give you Mental and inner peace,
    Pray to Him for forgiveness,
    and Pray to Him to Show you the right path..
    Allah sometimes tests us,
    and the test can be a whole lifeperiod,
    but if we keep ourself on the right path,
    never lose hope in Allah,
    It is always a success..
    Allah bless you , Ameen.Recommend

  • http://bakedsunshine.wordpress.com/ Shumaila

    @ the Author, I feel for you, man. Have courage. Have hope. Above all, do not harm yourself, do not hate yourself for who you are. You are a wonderful, special, unique human being just like everyone else, your sexuality doesn’t change that. No matter what anyone says, you have as much right as anyone else to loving and enjoying life.

    I cannot begin to imagine the hell you must go through every day. In a society where being just slightly different condemns you to ridicule and pointed fingers, your secret must be killing you from inside. But remember not everyone is the same. For every bigot commenting here there are more people who, vocally or silently, support you. Find them. Gain courage from them. We’re here for you.

    I would suggest trying to slowly get the idea through to your family, but only if you feel they will understand. Softly, slowly bringing them round to the idea. Maybe it won’t be possible, but you have to try, and who loves you more than your family, your parents. In any case, if you believe in God, you know you’ll find a path through. Again, have courage and hope, and do not give up :) I hope things work out for you :)Recommend

  • 1

    People seem to be dragging on about homosexuality being natural. There are ohwever links found but these does not prove anything. There has never been foud any evidence that sugges that it is natural. It seems to me people just read a few Western newspaper articles and get easily misled. These articles have never claimed homosexuality to be natural. And what i suggest is you to see a genuine Islamic scholar and not any random person.And i challenge anyone to prove otherwise.And great link suggested by A. MalikRecommend

  • pardesi

    The percentage of Gay people in Islamic societies is very high since early days of Islam. This could be attributed to the custom of isolating men and women to a very great degree. There is nothing wrong in this , according to me. But people should be broad-minded and without prejudice to accept them.Recommend

  • http://gaypakicetus.blogspot.com The Sea

    @Zahoor:
    Mr ‘president’ Zahoor. Who gave you the authority to allow or not allow what this guy does with his life?Recommend

  • Ali

    Why don’t you practise celibacy (avoid sexual acts altogether)? It is possible, though difficult. This way you can practise your religion and be comfortable with yourself at the same time. Recommend

  • reader

    @M Ali Khan:
    homosexuality may not be a disease but it is a psychological disorder.. so it can be cured! .. if it was NORMAL, gay people wud be capabale of making babies.. it’s right there man.. LOGIC is the answer to everything..nature is logical!.Recommend

  • reader

    and the article is so fake.. religious family but gf at 18years .. and having the access to write a blog on his homosexuality on top of it! .. kya baat hai! Recommend

  • http://beradadisini.wordpress.com/ Hanny

    I don’t know what to say, really. But marrying a girl will just add up to the lies, and it won’t make you feel happier, either. So, from faraway, I can only hope that you’ll find a way to be happy as who you really are. Recommend

  • http://www.cisforcookie.com Hala

    this was heartbreaking and enlightening
    good for you for writing this and being true to yourself
    i’m sorry that you have to write in anonymously
    just writing it at all is so brave since i’m sure you were aware of the backlash you would face
    reading through the comments though its nice to see for each person condemning you or wanting to fix you there is one supporting you
    though you seem to have offended some people somehow
    there are also people who relate to you
    and not just those who are gay
    but also anyone who’s felt different or ostracized for any reason
    and maybe after reading this they feel less alone
    for the people encouraging the author to get married, do you think that is fair to the girl? unless he is honest with her beforehand and she is ok with it. otherwise its just as cruel as anything ever done to himRecommend

  • Light

    ROOSHAN KHAYALI ZINDABAD…Recommend

  • Z.

    This must be very very difficult for you but I want you to try harder. I want you to believe that if you feel that Allah’s testing your imaan, then you MUST not fail. This life is extremely short and the hereafter’s forever. Homosexuality is forbidden in Islam. I understand that you want to be you and wish to also keep your faith with you but your faith has to cater to what’s forbidden, no?
    I truly wish you all the best. Maybe you can talk to a learned scholar, not maulvi.
    And you should stop taking all the burden on yourself. If Allah’s testing you, he might also be testing your family. Try trusting one of your sisters with your issues. You’ll feel much better.Recommend

  • http://[email protected] Faraz

    Felt grieved after reading all this about the guy discussed. I too used to think that people themselves tend to such temptations but now I probably shouldn’t think like this as there a few exceptions like the guy discussed above. Well if this really is the case than what about the rights of such persons? My personal question to the writer or to the reader. Does Islam really elaborate this cause or its just nothing but a bogus temptation STILL?Recommend

  • stkt

    @Factor:
    are you out of mind? u’re telling him to marry some unsuspecting girl and destroy her life for all time to come?! and you think women “won’t know the difference”?? What world do u live in, buddy?! That has to be the most horrible advice of all time! To the author, please deal with the issue however u see fit but please DO NOT destroy someone else’s life with u. DO NOT marry!Recommend

  • Ghania Suhail

    You should definitely tell your family about this. I am sure you have an idea of they way they would react but think about it. If you avoid the subject, eventually they will figure it out from the way that you arnt warming up to the subject of marriage etc. Why not tell them now? Plus you will prevent yourself from ruining some girl’s life. I am sure your parents will find a way out. Dont keep this to yourself and get miserable. There must be a remedy for your problem. God never leaves someone in sheer hopelessness and you are a guy with a strong faith. You should trust Him and go ahead. Tell your family. Recommend

  • Prana35

    Please do not give such dangerous and inaccurate advice. Unless you are truly bi-sexual and feel attractions to both men and women, then it is agreed by virtually all the major psychological bodies in the world, that it is impossible to alter your natural sexual orientation. Conversion or reparative therapy is a sham. All that it will do is cause you to suppress your natural desires which can lead to mental health problems. You may stop the behaviours of a gay man by not being intimate with people of the same sex, but your natural orientation will always be there, and is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of or “cured”Recommend

  • Shavaiz khan

    There is no room for such stuff in islam n islmaic state.i don wt express tribune wants to tell us by posting such a rediculas article n associating it with the religious family.this is the only problem left in pak? I hav no words to xplain my anger n greif…. Oh ALLAH forgive us n show the right path to these miss guided people.Recommend

  • Maheen

    Looking at some of the condescending comments about getting “psychiatric help”, it’s no wonder people like the author of this blog continue to burn in their own silent hell. Homosexuality is not a mental illness so please stop telling him to get or google help.

    To the author:

    It’s brave of you to write this. I wish there was a way we could have made it better for you. Someday maybe! Hopefully.

    Regards.Recommend

  • Jamsheed Khan Mandhal

    very trueRecommend

  • narayana murthy

    It’s extremely saddening. But among Muslims, that too living in Pakistan, life of a gay man must be unimaginably dark.

    I suggest that, you look for a partner online and not marry at all. And, please, please, don’t ruin a girl’s life, just for the sake of your family or religion. You have no right to do that.

    If you are rich enough or have a possibility to escape from Islamic countries to the west, then please do that.Recommend

  • Zoya Rehman

    Kudos to the writer. Really appreciate the fact that ET published this. Hang in there.Recommend

  • narayana murthy

    I had another thought. I don;t know how you will feel about it. Also, it won’t solve your problem. However, it will help you vent your frustration in a very effective and creative way.

    Make a short fiction film on your own experiences. I hope you are brave to take it up. This will give you a sense of liberation.Recommend

  • Shania

    All I have to say your a Darling dont bother about anyone just be what you are , one thing more no ones gonna live your life for you, I would like you to stay intouch you have my email do write to me .

    Cheers!
    Shania Recommend

  • narayana murthy

    Just reading some (in fact, so many) of the comments here, makes you wonder about the level of ignorance, even among the English educated populace of Pakistan.

    “God tests you”

    “ask for god’s forgiveness”

    “homosexuality can be treated by Maulvis”Recommend

  • maria

    well…….i can understand how hard it is………….no matter how hard u try u can never b happy if u live a fake life……as most gay people do in our society……so my advice will b just move out…..go somewhere where society is less prejuidiced then ours………….n believe me ur family wil never understand it…….no matter how much they love u………so no need to tell them……..
    p.s. it is the most practical solution of this situation as far as i can think as i know people who did this mistake of telling their families(n compared to urs,they were from very broadminded families……..)Recommend

  • umair

    well i must say feeling no attractiveness towards your girl friend doesn’t mean that you have left with the only option of same gender. Even i think sometimes i dont feel attractive in females so im not into exploring more and more chicks but i have love for food and i explore it more and more You could have tried it on some other beautiful females.

    All unnatural phenomenon e.g. homosexuality come out of us because of strong will to do inside. People like thrill lovers, extremists and ignored are more into such activities. We should not shelter devil inside us by crying in front of ALLAH and showing ourself weak enough to dealwith.
    But for every unnatural aspect we have treatments and medications so dear brother i must say should reconsider yourself.Recommend

  • Gul Bukhari

    Respect to the author, and respect to ET. And joy, that an overwhelming proportion of comments show understanding and empathy and support, not prejudice. Pakistan may just live. Recommend

  • Havovie Bomanji

    What you have written here will be echoed by many, many men across the country. God Bless you for your bravery, strength and courage in speaking your truth. This alone will inspire, help and give comfort to so many others in the same position.
    Trust me, you are loved by God, you are NOT in need of treatment….So many gay men and gay women are living lives trapped in fear, unable to be who and what they are for fear of persecution and loss of family and friends…..
    I admire your resolve not to marry, for yes, not only will two lives be ruined, yours and hers but ultimately two families will be destroyed, as no, you will not just wake up one morning hetero.
    You are what you are, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Be proud for standing up for who and what you are…So many men and women are bi sexual, again unable to say it, unable to explore that side of them.
    I don’t know when Pakistanis will become a more accepting, tolerant and non judgemental society but I pray that day comes sooner rather than later.
    You may not believe this but your article is a ground breaker for many out there. Yes, for all those who will hurl abuse there will be many more silent readers who will bless you for your courage and honesty…
    I wish you all the very best in life and hope your family and friends can love you for who you are….Sexual orientation is only one facet of ourselves, it doesn’t make us one thing or another. You have a beautiful soul, I can see that from here…..Recommend

  • Gul Bukhari

    @Mariya:
    That was SO unnecessarily vindictive.Recommend

  • Faisal

    Without going into the argument of the rights and wrongs of homosexuality or the whether it is a choice or genetic we need to acknowledge that they exist in Pakistan, many more than are acknowledged and that they deserve to be treated with respect and not persecuted. The author is very courageous and TEB is as well for publishing the article.Recommend

  • Aitzaz

    This is against the nature and wrong…totally wrong.Recommend

  • Maverick

    Its all in your head …
    You cant continue a life the way you are … Pick one side of the picutre and accept it as your reality! But if you think you can be what you are and keep yourself close to religion at the same time than you are mistaking !

    If you have accpeted the fact of what you really are than you should also accept the fact that it does not go parallel to your religion.Recommend

  • Touheed

    Very very Good… brother God help those who help themselves :)Recommend

  • Zoya

    how can something that is given by the nature be ‘against’ it?Recommend

  • Muse

    Not being attracted to the opposite sex does in no way justify having illicit relations with the same gender.
    What if one day someone blogs to have fallen in love with their own sibling? Will you all be supportive of that? Today its frowned upon…what if it is acceptable after 20 years. Please THINK.Recommend

  • attiqa

    look buddy!
    as a pakistani its my duty to guide you the best because ths soil is our mother and from that you are my brother.
    i would suggest you to go to a psychiatrist or go to the doctor.
    if you are worried about your family…i know its hell hard but its not impossible…why dont you understand that they are your parents…if you are scared from telling them then whom you trust the most???not more than your parents man!!!!trust them and tell them the truth for instance they ll react a lot but after that they ll come to you and guide you because you are there son.they are your blood relations…
    if you still find it hard then i ll suggest you to get married.after you ll get married your sense ll arouse by itself…you ll start feeling…its good that you respect women alot but why dont you understand that they are made for man not for any other creature..
    hope you get my point :)
    good luck buddy…my and my family prayers are with youRecommend

  • anonymous

    @Advice:
    All therapy does is destroy those battling with tbeing in the closet even further. Therapy’s about healing; it’s not about telling you you’re a sinner, you’re wrong, and you need to change. I’d like to see you try hearing that on a daily basis. Maybe once you do, you’ll have a little more empathy.Recommend

  • Adil Mirza

    Well! I just cant understand the logic of people advising him to shift to a society where homosexuality is common and is seen from so called ‘broad mind’.
    Answer my one question, does the teaching of Islam different for people living in our society and the people living in the other society? Do they follow diffrent Quran? Do they believe in a different Prophet(P.B.U.H)? Running away is no solution!

    “Verily in the remembrance of Allah, do hearts find rest”
    Quran (Surah 13: Verse 29)Recommend

  • anonymous

    @reader:
    Biology and logic are two different things. You don’t seem to understand either of them. You can’t produce babies if you don’t have a womb.
    Also, it’s not a psychological disorder. It was removed from that list 40 years ago. Unless you live in the 70s, you need to update your mindset.Recommend

  • Stephanie Abood

    I know for sure that Allah loves you the way you are but unfortunately some people never will. Live your love to the full for you deserved to be loved.

    It is a blessing to have a son….and if my son will ever come up to me and tell me ‘Mum I ‘m GAY” I will tell him son ‘Gay means HAPPY’so I wish you to be happy and assure him thatnothing will change. Why do parents fear gay children I know not….I only know for sure that the gay people I know are fabulous person with a heart of gold.

    Good luck habibi may ALLAH bless you and protect you Recommend

  • Ahmed

    I also believe that this article is made up. Although the issue highlighted here is practical, but my gut feel tells me that it is thoroughly DONE UP. I have had GAY friends, and i can tell you that none of them were incapacitated or unable to live in a heterosexual relationship; on the contrary they made a choice and decided to stick to it. Homosexuality is a Choice, like being a thief, no matter how good it feels, it is wrong. It requires extreme family support and professional help to bring the desired change. Lastly, the US embassy is driving a hideous agenda by showcasing the GAY community in a light which can have a negative impact on young boys and girls and its time that the Judiciary takes notice and bars them. Do not forget, the Quran Categorically highlights this as a reasons for the demise of a complete race. There is nothing, absolutely nothing that can justify supporting Homosexuality, but there are all the reasons to support people who are in need of help and can be saved. Bless!! Recommend

  • Ahmed

    @Muse: excellent reasoning. People must thinkRecommend

  • http://deleted Asma Shah

    @ faisal

    As far as acknowledging that they exist in Pakistan is digestible or agreeable conversely respecting them would be TOO MUCH to ask for. There are acts which can never be called right or acceptable if thousand people agrees to it as the final veto lies in his hands i.e ALMIGHTY ALLAH PAK and if he has left or kept a bit space for such people then you can ask for respect in that case else the thing for which the whole nation has been cursed with cant be said right/respected, modernism never means to amend codes laid by religion. I agree yes many sins are common now a day as drinking has become common in Pak etc however still people following or adopting such thing don’t claim that say we are right and acknowledge us. What they do is with them however wrong becoming part of live does not mean has become right.Recommend

  • http://deleted Asma Shah

    @ marverick
    @ muse
    @ adil mirza

    WELLL SAID ALL OF YOU!!!Recommend

  • Waz

    Good luck to you. May you find peace. I have been with my same sex partner for 15 years and life is good. We have our troubles like anyone else but we are accepted by our families, respected in our community and in our workplaces. I like to think we make meaningful contributions to our society. Our world is a place where people are judged on the content of their characters not the colour of their skin, religion, sexual preference or any other irrlevant factor. We have close Muslim friends who are good people. They have no problem with us and we respect them too. They have taught us much even though we don’t always agree on everything. We live in Australia. Recommend

  • Blake

    Just remember, anonymous, that there is a spiritual/religious place for you. It does not have to be one or the other. It can be both. You can be a gay Muslim. And you don’t have to give yourself over to the depravity found in the bar/club scene. You can be a gay person in your own way. Recommend

  • chengez K

    I remember an article in early 80′s when a young boy wrote a similar piece stating that he wanted to become a Maulvi but his family which was quite modern hated the bearded lot.He also stated that his desire was to die for his Deen as this is not the real life etc.

    It is quite ironical that when America wanted to fight Soviets in Afghanistan a complete generation of Maulvis was created.

    Now when the fight is against Fundos all the liberal rights such as Gay Rights are being highligtened.

    Wonder what would have happened to our dear Gay friend if he had talked about his self discovery in those times….most probably stoned to death!!1Recommend

  • Anonymous

    I don’t know why everyone commenting on this article is treating homosexuality as something really out of this world and suggesting things like therapy, moving out of the country, salat etc. But thats okay, I think that is how it is perceived in Pakistan and most other places too. Dear writer, you are what you are. You don’t have to change yourself for anyone. I don’t know if you should talk to your parents about it and whether it would be helpful, but do speak to someone close in the family before you end up ruining your and your to be wife’s life. Recently a friend of mine got divorced because her husband was gay and they had no level of intimacy even after being married for four years. So before you do that to yourself, take some action. There is nothing wrong with homosexuality so stop feeling guilty about anything. I totally support you and wish you a very happy life.Recommend

  • AA

    God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve…just a joke…lol!Recommend

  • Anon

    @Factor:

    I’m sorry but you suggesting him to get married and then have “close friends” is so extremely wrong. A relation can only be a true relation when both the people respect it and want to be in it.

    The husband having “close friends” means that he doesn’t want to be in it. Also it’s very unfair to the girl. Gays are not meant to marry women, and people need to get that. Marriage isn’t a necessity. Recommend

  • bahram

    Ur article has many contradictions buddy, the starting for example, anyhow I’d just like to say ET has gone crazy, and to u I say, get married Iam sure Allah would bring love into ur life. Why are we discussing sexuality these days in Pakistan, ppl have llost it, ET is paid Zionist money for sureRecommend

  • Ayesha

    @Ayesha:
    Here is something more that you can ponder and again be what you are. No human has any right whatsoever to judge you except God Almighty.. http://dailycaller.com/2011/07/28/gay-and-muslim-%E2%80%94-is-that-even-possible-one-imam-says-%E2%80%98yes%E2%80%99/Recommend

  • http://kmlgl.wordpress.com/ Komal

    Thanks for writing this, anonymous. My heart goes out to all my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters who have to put up with such prejudice and persecution. I hope things work out for you, though that often just involves leaving Pakistan (if that’s a feasible option, then it may be the right one for you too).

    I must say I greatly respect The Express Tribune for publishing such articles. The ET blogs are like a breath of fresh air for me, as far as gay-rights-related matters are concerned.

    It would be great to see a lesbian voice represented here though (I could write something, if you like ;) ). Since Pakistani, and indeed all lesbians are women in a patriarchal society, our experiences are obviously going to be different from those of gay men; who, although they face enormous homophobia, nevertheless benefit from privilege on the basis of their sex. Patriarchy is even what underlies homophobia at the end of the day.Recommend

  • Jeena

    How come they havent found out this fact as yet? Recommend