Are you part of the 'kewl' club?

I solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

A couple, who happen to teach English Language, went to meet the love of their son’s life in order to proceed with the proposal the eastern way. When someone asked the professor afterwards, if he was happy with his son’s choice, he had only one thing to say:

The girl was fine but her father kept speaking inaccurate English; his grammar and tenses were highly misplaced.

This may come across as a rude remark to some, but it truly reflects a teacher’s dilemma.

I, however, am no tutor and most certainly do not have the right to make fun of people for their continuous attempts to master English. Nonetheless, I do plead guilty of laughing at a few, especially a Pakistani actress, but I now regret my shallow attitude.

Being a commoner, I should have the nerve and decency to let go of grammatical errors that others make - nobody is perfect right? We cannot expect everyone to ace a language when it is only our colonial mindset which has given insane boost to the ‘English Mania.’ That being said, before you think I’m trying to come across as a saint, I should make it clear that I do not have a big enough heart to overlook and forget the ‘intentional’ distortion of English.

Over the past few years, SMS and chat ‘lingo’ has given birth to an illegitimate child of the English language. People have rather misunderstood the sole purpose of short messaging service, where the message needs to be short and not the words short of letters.

The incomplete words

Ever came across cannibals, who don’t eat humans but love to gobble letters?  This group consists of most cruel of the lot. For them, barbarity in the linguistic world knows no boundaries. Trying hard to make a point, munching on letters becomes their favourite sport. The only problem with such messages is that one is often left wondering what ‘xctly’ was the point of the SMS.

The 'Ss-zz' brigade

Beware of those perverts who would go to any length to make letters pregnant, never failing to add an unneeded ‘S’ or ‘Z’ at the end of a word. The most common case is of lols and lolzzz. I would really love to see these people adding those extra S or Z when they are actually laughing out loud.

The ‘kewl’ club

The next category is of people who believe makeover is the ultimate solution. Most of this group consists of teenagers or those who refuse to accept their mounting age. They neither eat words nor believe in doing so unless required, but personalise every word by giving it an entirely new look. Some examples are ‘yew,’ ‘gudluk,’ ‘kewl,’ and ‘sup.’

The X-men

My personal favourites are the X-men. In their world, X is the ultimate letter and it should replace every other letter especially S and Z thus the words transform into language X where ‘explain’ becomes ‘xplain,’ ‘thanks’ turns into ‘thanx’ and ‘no problem’ undergoes an immense liposuction to become ‘npx.’

LOL out loud

This last category leaves all others behind and wins the competition hands down. They take their fabrication so seriously that they would not refrain from using the same language verbally. Ever witnessed a scene where one person is narrating a joke and someone instead of laughing, actually utters “lol” or “rofl” out loud? Don’t feel depressed if you haven’t come across any such person, because one fine day you are bound to get lucky.

Getting over this infatuation may not be easy, but I certainly made it out alive. If you still have one or more symptoms mentioned above, over 20 years of age, n thnk itx kewl 2 rite lik dizzz’ (and think it’s cool to write like this), you are suffering from English Distortion Obsessive Disorder. Another session with your grade 1 English teacher is highly advised.