The best thing about an identity crisis

Published: April 24, 2011

I willingly stripped myself to the core - no hiding myself through a job, no masking myself in a relationship and definitely no slipping behind expensive clothes and jewelry.

Exactly one year ago, on the very night I wrote this, I remember not being able to sleep. Such nights were common then. I would twist and turn for over five hours, lying in bed until finally, sleep would come.

During those waking hours spent in bed I would cry. My anxiety attacks were so severe that I would fear I may die during the sleepless struggle.

I knew I was on the precipice of a full-on identity crisis.

In retrospect, I wonder now why I never bothered telling any family member or friend what was going on. Maybe, it was because I really didn’t understand the dilemma myself. Maybe, it was because none of my colleagues or friends were going through such a phase. Let’s suppose if I had told them that I was severely depressed, what good reason did I even have for being so? I had a well-paying job at a multinational, an extremely loving family, and a person who I loved terribly despite his erratically abusive behavior.  To top it off, I was decent looking with tons of great shoes. In a country where most go to sleep hungry, I was pretty much living the dream.

What doesn’t kill you

Such identity crises are definitely not invited into our lives. People will tell you thousands of ways to avoid one. Why? Because, for once, you have to reassess yourself, your priorities, your direction in life and exactly who you have become, as opposed to who you wanted to be. When you realize how far you are from your real self, it can be devastating.

Most people will spend their entire lives without facing an identity crisis, living life in a bubble, happily accepting who they are. But very few others will dare to look within themselves and check to see if they still respect themselves if stripped completely from their outer achievements.

What went wrong

During those nights that’s exactly what I was doing – discovering that all the ‘so-called perfect’ elements of my life were mere facades. My job was a complete farce – I had always dreamt of becoming a novelist. But here I was writing corporate mumbo jumbo that was barely read by anyone at all.

The person that I loved was turning icier to me each day and I knew in the back of my head that something was going on.

Despite my Carrie-esque wardrobe and my rows and rows of shoes, I had incredibly low self-esteem. I was so unsure of myself that I couldn’t walk out of the house without layering my face with makeup and donning high heels.  I knew I hated my face, my skin and my body.

And the worst of it all was that I was unkind to my family, turning my back towards them in an effort to hide it all.

I didn’t have an identity of my own. I didn’t feel I belonged anywhere.

Losing myself

On one of those tired and lifeless days, I was bitterly betrayed. But unlike many people, I could not get myself to move on, forgive and forget. It got to a point, where I completely lost my ability to live.

The days that followed became alarmingly hopeless. I would drag myself to work but instead of working I would spend countless hours staring at the screen or Googling ridiculous topics to kill time. It got to a point where I decided to just give up and quit because if I didn’t do it myself, I believe my lackluster performance in those days would’ve convinced my employers to fire me.

Before I quit, I asked myself one question only, “Do I see myself working here in this organisation, in this particular field, after 10 years?” The answer was simple, “NO!”

I handed in my resignation.

What followed then was a complete resignation from all social life. I didn’t bathe until it was absolutely necessary. I didn’t go out unless it was an emergency. I didn’t talk unless it was important. I avoided phone calls, refused to check my Facebook profile and sat around all day and night in the quietest corner of my house – the less frequented drawing room.

I became what you may call a ‘hermit.’ All I did there was think about everything right or wrong in my life – all the little issues I had avoided for so long, all the stuff that I had repressed, my dreams, my yearnings and my failed hopes. When things would get too difficult to bear, I would read and write. And these two things became my saviors.

Finding the way

As much as I wanted, I did not have the money to go on an “Eat, Pray, Love” expedition around the world to heal my heart, or even enough to give myself a makeover for that matter. Failure had already arrived in my life, willingly or unwillingly, and it followed me around like a vengeful stalker. Now there was no choice but to strip myself to the core layer by layer. No hiding myself through a job, no masking myself in a relationship and definitely no slipping behind clothes and jewelry.  Could I exist without them?

In such harrowing hollows of life, I turned to God. Something I hadn’t done in years. Who else can pick you up when no one else can? And surprisingly He really did. I started reading a lot. From the Holy Quran, the Bible to abnormal psychology and fiction. My love for reading got to a point that I would finish three books in a single day.  I would write and write until I couldn’t do it anymore. At first, most of it was extremely angry and dark. If it was fiction, it usually revolved around someone being shot or raped in the end. But soon, the dark thoughts started to clear. And in came the best writing of my entire life. An explosion of creativity that I did not expect from myself.

Slowly I started venturing out every Saturday for a mentorship program of The Citizens Foundation called Rahbar. I never thought someone would look up to me as a role model, but somehow, six incredibly intelligent young girls from Saeedabad saw me as an inspiration. The optimism in their eyes made me see the world each week a little less pessimistically.

Sitting there after months and months of introspection, I discovered myself and my ability to live. I was able to get past the prevailing identity crisis. I was surprisingly able to love my un-showered, un-made-up self. I was able to forgive and forget the betrayer but still cut him off cold turkey. I got closer to my parents and finally shared with them my entire journey.

I soon realised I belonged. I existed.

I existed as a daughter despite my horrible past behavior. I existed as an aunt to the most wonderful little nephew in the world. And without any Pulitzer prizes, I knew I existed as a writer at least to myself.

I found overwhelming acceptance for this new person that I became, from everyone around me. Not just from my parents, but my friends, old colleagues, and finally, myself.

Saba Khalid

Saba Khalid

A blogger for Rolling Stone magazine, a contributor to Kulturaustauch and Musikexpres, Saba is an Institute for Foreign Affairs (IFA) Cross Culture scholar for the year 2012 who also teaches creative writing to young aspiring writers. She blogs at www.thecityalive.com and can be found on instagram as @thecityalive

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • http://bakwasism.blogspot.com/ Abdullah Zaidi

    Okayyyy!!! That was a little too personal….but nice. I like the without any Pulitzer bit. Recommend

  • Deen Sheikh

    You my dear Saba experienced what we call a quarter life cycle crises, which is becoming common amongst the Pakistani youth in their mid to late 20s. Are you a foreign graduate repatriating back into life in Pakistan? This is one of the most difficult countries for repatriates to settle down into, one of the reasons being our values as urban Pakistanis have become very materialistic and commoditised.Recommend

  • Arslan Khan

    Seriously, is this writing or talking to self. its a published blog for Gods sake

    Recommend

  • parvez

    Great stuff.
    You managed to convince me that this is your story. May be it is and may be not, and that I think was your strength.Recommend

  • Salman Arshad

    Willing to throw the crutches of a job, role, relationship or clothes is a courageous act.. its admirable..
    And thanks for sharing..
    On the risk of being judgmental myself, its refreshing that you were honest with yourself.. and did not fill the vacuum with the most common “identity replacement” in our society these days.. Recommend

  • Saba Khalid

    I’m sorry but this has been severely edited, some of the bits have been cut, making the grammar sound wrong. As a writer, I’m a little embarassed by that :( Recommend

  • pekhawaray

    I am surprised you didn’t see any psychiatrist or psychologist. I would rush there if i go through such a problem. but yes, you did a great job in examining your own life, looking at it from a distance, and seeing through the outward layers into the very core of your self. Recommend

  • NHK

    Hi Saba. Thanks for sharing this very personal journey. It takes a lot of courage to open up this way. I appreciate it very much because i can relate to what you are saying. I am going through a crisis of my own and no where near overcoming it. Its a process, a taxing phase and i hope i come out a winner in the end. XRecommend

  • pekhawaray

    while going through some of your other blogs, i find that your writings are so upper middle classy: your pets, your education abroad, your educated family and your wealth. Mam, you are out of touch with the reality of what it means to be living in Pakistan. your world and my world is so different. one can say that you never claimed to be a representative of what Pakistani is but still you are so different. sometime i feel that people like you are living in another planet.Recommend

  • Fahad Raza

    Nice, Motivating Blog. Recommend

  • Inayatullah

    There should be path for both appreciation and criticism of the published articles. I ca not blindly appreciate all stuff. It is better that the tribune may also allot space to all comments that are under moral limits. Just praising comments will not suffice. If I dislike an article, there are my arguments regarding it and my views are not based just on imagination.

    Truth is a bitter pill, but taking it will benefit both the writer and the reader. If there are no comments against a writing, there are limited chances of improvement of the writing of that author.
    Recommend

  • http://wasioabbasi.wordpress.com Wasio Ali Khan Abbasi

    @ Author
    Your experience is not so different than my own, however while you experienced identity crisis in 20s, I faced them way back in Secondary school days. What I learned in all the mayhem of life is that every experience builds up a certain bias and put on a brick in your foundation, making a structure that pretty much matures until you are a professional. This structure forms your personality, bias, mentality and behavior, however it does not fully control your morals and character.
    If, once in your 20s, you realize that all that you have learned, experienced and gained till you reached the point you currently are, still does not justify to what you are, it begins to crack the foundation of everything you know. Years and years of learning and understanding, experiences and satisfaction, suddenly turns to dust and you are back to square one. More prodding, and the foundation shatters, ruining your life altogether. People sometimes even suffer from nervous breakdown or become extremely possessive to anything that might provide some sanity, some belonging to an identity in the increasingly chaotic world of theirs.
    Isolation is the common practice and instinctive reaction to such situations. Although it is primarily behavior of men who isolate themselves from everything except work for a time in order to refocus their and affirm their area of dominance, it is also found in women under extreme pressures.
    These isolated moments provide you with insights to your life where every moment that held significance is reassessed and evaluated, new conclusions drawn and both positive and negative effects are judged. Not until mind and heart get through that phase and find something to hold on, this phase continues to eat up the person from inside, leading to severe depression that might only be cured through medical help.
    You are lucky that you got through this phase on your own and found the writer in you, something you wanted to do and liked to do. Not many are lucky enough to go through this phase and survive. Just as Deen Shaikh said, it’s quarter life cycle crisis and it is getting common, it is necessary to be aware and guide the youngsters so that they don’t suffer from what we suffered and learn from our example.Recommend

  • Zuhaib

    Sooo true…..I have been going through the same since last 2 years but still unable to bring in the courage to hand over the resignation :( Recommend

  • Saba Khalid

    Just wanted to add something from my original writeup that I had to give up due to space and word limitations. The part about failure stalking me was written for a purpose. During this time, I read Liz Gilbert’s work and I could relate to many of her experiences, and exactly like her depression and loneliness, failure became my stalker. I searched her up and would often listen to her inspiring words. So a lot of my healing could be attributed to her. And this blog post was not an attempt to copy her but to give her due credit. I just wish I could’ve added that here in the published post.

    I’m reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallly hoping that I can meet her on one of her reading appearances during Summer in NY. Fingers crossed :) Recommend

  • Zia

    I ran into lecture series by Javaid Ch on you tube. He talked about professions in general and skills within person by birth. It is an interesting talk, try listening to it.

    Besides, handing over resignation without a plan was quite not practical. Best of luck in your new profession.

    A piece of advice, since you are planning to be a writer, lets not use the phrases/proverbs without knowing what they exactly means. You can start with ” Finger crossed” :-)Recommend

  • malik

    Anyone aspiring to become a writer should firmly be told that he will not start writing a word till he reads and re-reads at least 20 works of P G Wodehouse. Period.

    If Saba had started reading PGW instead of the religious books, all her problems would have been sorted out earlier. Recommend

  • Syed Hussein El-Edroos

    Brave of you to open up and pull yourself together. We all face good times and bad times. Recommend

  • Anon.

    So relateable, personally. Except I have yet to find a calling… glad to know you’re past all that :)Recommend

  • Rufus

    @zia: the day you correct your grammar, that’s the day this young girl should “know what they exactly means”Recommend

  • waqas

    excellent !Recommend

  • Zia

    @ Rafus, English is not my first language and I never claimed my self as a perfect one. There is common practice of using words and phases, even my American friends sometimes don’t know the meanings,

    Being a writer, you have to rely on words to convey the messages and feelings. It was merely an advice, nothing personal.Recommend

  • H.

    @pekhawaray:
    what’s real for you may not be real for someone else. and what’s real for them may not be so for you. i don’t want to strike any argument here, but why must we always judge a “real Pakistani” as someone who’s from humble backgrounds and struggle for food and shelter? what makes you think that the struggle of soul-searching is not one of a real Pakistani? it’s a struggle every individual should go through, no matter what background or circumstances he’s from…
    if you let life teach you, if you become sensitive to the world around…then you WILL go through this chaotic time when nothing makes sense…and if you search in the right places, in the words of God or those of wisdom…you do find yourself as a much better person than you started off with…and anyway, no matter how diverse our struggles are, we’re all really out there to look for the same things..we’re all fundamentally the same.
    i can relate to Saba’s story. and so can many other people here…and i’m in no way any less of a Pakistani than you or anyone else here is…Recommend

  • pekhawaray

    i think it is not right to say that one has to read P. G. Woodhouse to be a good writer. there are two things to writing one is style and the other is matter. and then there is a genre (oops! three things!). if you are writing fiction, for example, then you can turn to any good writer whether they be English, Persian, Urdu, Pashtu, Arabic, French, Spanish fiction writers. as far as style is concerned, i think one has to be original in that. there is no need to copy any one.
    But one thing is for sure, that writing comes from a strong urge to write, to pour out. there is something that you have to expel out, and you don’t feel at ease until you do so.
    and one thing more, you don’t learn writing in an institution such as New York University though it might help. it is funny that certain things that cannot be commodities are made one. you can certainly buy writing as a skill but not writing in itself. good luck.
    sorry for the verbosity and being a little preachy. (i don’t know why i keep commenting on this blog)Recommend

  • Sara K

    So negative comments are deleted from this blog. I think in the journey to self-realization criticism plays an important role. And BTW author, there’s a thin line between inspiration and immitation. When I talked about you being a little too inspired by “Elizebeth Gilbert” in my comment which is deleted now I meant your whole article sounds like a summary of that book. Not just one thing “Fear stalked you” but all the other things as well. …..if anybody else here has read the book here will agree with me. I personally loved the book, it inspired me a lot. I actually read it twice. But what you are doing is just trying to fit her story in your life, which means you still haven’t realized who you really are. Be original and you will not have an identity crisis. Here is an excerpt from Steve Job’s speech at Stanford, I love it. I hope you like it too.

    “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.
    Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking.
    Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice.
    And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.
    They somehow already know what you truly want to become.
    Everything else is secondary.”~ Steve jobsRecommend

  • Babar Jahangir

    @ Zia & Rufus

    I ran into lecture series by Javaid Ch on youtube. He talked about professions in general and skills within a person by birth. It was an interesting talk, try listening to it.

    Besides, handing over resignation without a plan was quite not practical. Best of luck in your new profession.

    A piece of advice, since you are planning to be a writer, do not use the phrases/proverbs without knowing what they exactly mean. You can start with ” Fingers crossed”

    I hope both Zia & Rufus find this useful (read carefully).Recommend

  • Waqqas Iftikhar

    my rather ‘therapeutic’ way of countering the onset of depression is by going on a contraband binge……really helps :D

    good thing you found a point though….life generally is a pointless exerciseRecommend

  • SM

    loved itt !Recommend

  • pekhawaray

    @H.:
    I agree with you about the ‘real Pakistani’ thing. however, I sometimes feel that what comes so easy to FEW of us is so difficult for MANY others. I was just a little depressed and was wondering at the social inequality. i sometimes feel that the privileged mock the rest by unnecessarily flaunting what they have. and i feel sad that education which should be a right is a commodity. i just hate this fact. if you can buy intelligence, skill, and cultural capital then poor will remain poor and the rich will continue to reproduce themselves. why is there no upward mobility when a person does everything right? why? I am not talking about my own upward mobility i am just talking about the MANY. if so many are poor then i would choose to be poor rather than rich. I honestly believe it.
    I didn’t mean to be nasty by writing that comment. I was just looking for an answer, a thought. can there be a dialogue between the few and the many?Recommend

  • Samreen Bukhari

    @sarak : Elizabeth Gilbert was not only one in the world ever depressed.. if you.had you read the book properly, she was unhappy with her marriage and her divorce proceedings.

    The only reason Elizabeth GiIlbert did so freaking well with this book is because half the female population had identical issues.

    You wouldn’t really understand the plight of the author of this article since you haven’t really come across depression, anxiety or grief. Trust me, these experiences are identical to us all! I know I have and I couldn’t relate to it more! Let her be the writer she is, if you hate her writing, start writing your own blog, –Recommend

  • P. R.

    Awesome. Im glad you found your way out. i hope the rest of us do too. :)Recommend

  • malik

    @pekhawaray:

    Have you ever laid your hand on a book by P G Wodehouse ????? GrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRecommend

  • Sara K

    @Samreen Bukhari:
    I haven’t mentioned about my experiences so you are in no position to say that I can’t understand. I have had more than my fair share of depression myself, believe me. And as someone used the term here “Quarter life crisis” I am exactly in the middle of that. Till the age of 24 I had everything I wanted from life, I used to think I can have everything I ever want…..and I was completely satisfied. But then I had to move to an ossified society, where a woman cannot have a high powered life like I used to have back in Pakistan. And, like that was not enough, a few more things happened and further exacerbated the things for me here…….So my crisis started with an external trigger…..but it lead to the same thing…. I started questioning everything I ever believed in, my belief system was shattered…… And for one year, I have sulked, burned inside, cried myself to sleep, and have experienced most of the symptoms of acute depression. During that one year I read every self-help book I could find, including this one. All of which helped in one way or the other in my journey of self-discovery. And as I have mentioned I read the book twice, it was for the very same reason that I could relate to it, on a very deep level.

    And let me tell you that the book did well because of the way this author writes; her writing is erudite and hilarious both at the same time, and most of all SHE IS SINCERE and ORIGINAL.

    I don’t hate the writer neither the writing, what I am saying is if she wants to be a published writer, she should be sincere and original in her ideas. That’s what prevents you from becoming a run in the mill writer, and gives you that flair which Elizabeth Gilbert has.
    And I do blog, to let my heart out from time to time. But I consider that very personal and private and it stays within my circle of friends. But the reason for a published blog is that you are inviting every Tom, Dick and Harry to comment on it and share their views. And that’s why I believe this author chose this forum to write, because she wants to be a published writer and some criticism will help her in the long term I assure you that. So, my advice is, take it head on, because if she is published someday (inshALLAH), critics and connoisseurs will be much more brutal than this. They won’t spare her saying OK fine let’s give her a chance; she has been depressed; we should let her be the writer she is …..and be kind to her.
    In the end…..
    I wish Saba all the best in this endeavor of hers.Recommend

  • http://www.pkhope.com Maleeha Khan

    o My God … such a depression phase also comes on me some times buh i get over it …… loved ur post! Recommend

  • pekhawaray

    @malik:
    sadly, I have my degree in English literature. So i have not only read P.G Woodhouse, I have also read about him. (sadly– because I feel oppressed by English which is imposed on me. I don’t feel in this language nor do i think in it, but I can’t get rid of it for many reasons. still living in what i call a state of colonialism).
    But I am glad you like P. G. Woodhouse so much. you made me think what writer i like in English language. let me think about it….Recommend

  • malik

    @pekhawaray:

    The reason I want aspiring writers to read and re-read Wodehouse is because he has been acknowledged by leading writers as the greatest writer of English language.

    ‘”Freddie experienced the sort of abysmal soul-sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy’s Russian peasants when, after putting in a heavy day’s work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the city’s reservoir, he turns to the cupboards, only to find the vodka bottle empty.”

    Only a master can write like that, every single word in its right place!Recommend

  • Sana

    Having read your 10 things I hate …. on this website and some of your other work, humor writing seems to be your niche! Recommend

  • pekhawaray

    @malik:
    others’ acknowledgment is not sufficient justification for liking somebody. people have different tastes which are contingent upon the environment, age, place etc. your comments in favor of Woodhouse sound as if prose would not have survived without Woodhouse. by the way you are continually misspelling Woodhouse as ‘Wodehouse’Recommend

  • An Opinion

    Thank you for sharing what you went through,I actually had tears when i read your blog, probably because i can relate to some parts of it.Recommend

  • Saba Khalid

    @an opinion: I just logged into tribune and read your comment. My attempt with this was not to randomly share my personal life with you but to make at least one person feel less alone in their struggle. And if you can relate to me, and are going through a similar struggle, let me assure you, ‘this too shall pass’. I promise!

    @pekhwaray:Identity crises or a quarter life crises transcends wealth, class, background, and education. You can have one when you have nothing, you can have one when you have everything in the world. It’s got to do primarily with the person’s inner core.

    Also, the new york university course will not teach me how to write. No one can be taught how to write. This was a course I got into which was for a few hand-selected published and unpublished writers from around the world so they could be mentored by acclaimed writers. I’ll get to attend lively readings by eminent poets and novelists, meet publishers and editors, take literary walking tours. For instance, see the places where Edgar Allen Poe composed certain pieces. At the end, there is a celebratory student reading and gala to share my work. I think its a wonderful opportunity for any struggling writer.

    @saraK: I appreciate your comments and criticism. I hope I am able to find my writing voice. I’ll just quote from Tony Morrison’s tribute to James Baldwin that may explain my intended and deliberate similarity to Gilbert.

    “I have been thinking your spoken and written thoughts for so long I believed they were mine. I have been seeing the world through your eyes for so long, I believed that clear clear view was my own. Even now, even here, I need you to tell me what I am feeling and how to articulate it. So I have pored again through the 6,895 pages of your published work to acknowledge the debt and thank you for the credit. No one possessed or inhabited language for me the way you did. You made American English honest – genuinely international.”

    http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/03/29/specials/baldwin-morrison.html

    Sometimes writers touch us so deeply that their thoughts, thinking patterns, writing styles become ours. And that’s exactly what Elizabeth Gilbert does. Btw, you do seem deeply affected by your situation, why not share it with a bunch of us. We swear not to be cruel or judgmental :)

    @sana: Thank you so much. The novel that I’m writing is part humor. I’m hoping you’ll enjoy it.

    @malik: Just be reading those three lines, I’m convinced I’m going to enjoy Wodehouse. Recommend

  • malik

    @pekhawaray:

    It is WODEHOUSE and not WOODHOUSE.

    I thought I can improve your taste a bit, but, now I give up !! Philistines !!Recommend

  • pekhawaray

    @malik:
    oops! my mistake. funny, I thought I was right. was so damn sure of it. and yes I am Philistine, but the problem is that the you connoisseur wrote history in which the perspective of Philistines is missing. if Philistines had to write about you connoisseur then you would have loved to be a Philistine.Recommend

  • pekhawaray

    voila– I have just discovered that I am dyslexic. I always doubted it but now I am certain that I have it. Recommend

  • malik

    @Saba Khalid:

    I really envy those who are going to read Wodehouse for the first time. They have a whole new world to explore and enjoy !!Recommend

  • Masood A Khan, MD

    At the risk of diagnosisng someone through their writings, What the writer seems to have had is called Clinical Depression and if she had gone to see a psychiatrist she wold not have to be miserable and suffering for months in life, untreated it does usually go away in about six months that is if You are still alive and havent committed Suicide….yet…..Now that she has had one episode, she is much more likely to have another….Recommend

  • Catwoman

    Hi Saba! Touching piece.

    I went through a very difficult and very prolonged period of sorrow and pain myself and its not over yet. Faith offers solace because no one would be your friend when worldly success evades you.

    I am single and professionally unsuccessful. I wonder every day what wrong? While I know that this world is only a test but while I am alive I have to have something to hold onto and I find nothing except Faith to sustain me,

    At times I falter in that faith and that’s when I am angered beyond reason. But I tell myself that that’s part of being human!

    Others view me from the prism of materialism and I appear small to them. I view myself from the lens that I know Allah would employ. Its a huge consolation to know that if I fall dead today I can stand before Allah and say I strove in your path alone and my living and my dying was for YOU alone.. Recommend

  • shiza

    @Catwoman:
    u came up with the most sensible reply :)
    “Do Not loose against the heaviest trials and never be in a state of grief ,you are bound to success if you are true in faith…”Al-Quran Recommend

  • Saba Khalid

    @catwoman: I literally cried reading your words. So absolutely stunning and inspiring. Faith is really all you need in life.

    I can assure you that this period will help you determine who your real friends are. The ones who like you for your materialistic achievements will certainly abandon you, mock you and tell you to simply ‘get over it already’. I know this because I’ve heard it from so many people, but they made it just that much easier for me to let them out of my life.

    Please do not call yourself professionally unsuccessful, you may not know what lies ahead of you. Or as a fellow believer would say to another, you never know what ‘God has planned for you.’

    I falter on occasion myself but I find him waiting for me with open arms every time. (I sound like one of those African-American preachers, all I need is a Hallelujah and Amen hahahah)

    But in all seriousness, this period is with you for a reason, I hope and pray you find that reason out.

    @ masood khan: Wow, how uplifting!

    @malik: My research tells me that Wodehouse has a plethora of work, what titles would you suggest to me as a beginner? Recommend

  • Zeeshan

    i got so much involved in this piece..bravo.Recommend

  • http://.com Shahshams

    Saba, as gifted a writer as you may seem, I fail to understand the purpose of this rambling. Is it to get widespread public sympathy for the horror you’ve faced personally or is it to flaunt your writing prowess for some cheap kudos? In a country where most women never make it to secondary school, let alone dream of employment at an MNC, you actually had it all, but squandered it. And over what? Is not having the right readership really the fulcrum for such a move? To a sane mind, this reeks of severe disequilibrium, if nothing else.

    From what we’ve learnt about you, you never really had your own identity, as aptly put by Sara above. Nor do you still have one. Sure, writing may bring you temporary solace, yet the fact remains, you still haven’t figured out where you belong in the truest sense, let alone where you’d be “after 10 years.” Much more than that, you haven’t learnt to forgive either, as is evident from the seething hatred for a relationship gone sour. Fitting yourself forcefully into a glove that was never made for you isn’t really the solution here, Saba. If anything, it’ll rupture right at the seams in no time.

    You see, the key takeaway here isn’t about “falling off a precipice” into the blackness of a full-blown identity crisis somewhere below. Nor is it about feeding your own ego and “loving your own self” as you pointed out. Your state of mind appears to be in serious turmoil. Go out and make some real friends. Re-connect with old ones if you can. You’ll be surprised.Recommend

  • Sana

    @ – shahshams: You have such a narrow-minded view on anyone’s troubles. I think its your ineptitude that makes you not understand the purpose of this post. Tell me really, who has given her sympathy here? Most have shared their own battles and struggles. That’s where the magic of her writing lies, the raw ability to make people relate to her ups and downs!

    People like you are so scared of someone being brave and them self that they will do anything to push them down. It shows your envy for a life lived by the heart and not the mind. I can bet you are a 9-5 robot who desperately wishes he/she had listened to their heart’s calling.

    It is not about her seething anger. Its about letting go and accepting things as they come. Additionally, you tell her not fit into someone else’s glove, yet you BRILLIANTLY put her in the glove of a turmoiled, troubled, disequilibriumed girl.

    You call her angry and yet you sound angrier and more spiteful than her entire post. Even think that maybe you are the disillusioned, troubled person?

    Hope you can take it, when you dish it out so vehemently! Recommend

  • malik

    @Saba Khalid:

    Rightly you have said, PGW has written lots of books, most of them humorous ones. In the beginning of his career, he wrote a lot of romantic novels too but with a light touch; you can find them delightful as a first time reader.

    I guess you will enjoy his novels like…Jill The Reckless, Coming of Bill, Damsel in Distress, Meet Mr Psmith which he wrote in his early days of his writing career……. His short stories are also terrific.

    If you can’t find the above ones, just pick any available, soon, you may like it. (Warning here: many find Wodehouse difficult to read.)

    Wodehouse has created unforgettable characters like Bertie, Jeeves, Ukridge, Mulliner, Psmith, Lord Emsworth.….and these adorable characters keep appearing in may stories and there are, in many places, some cross references.

    One great thing about liking his writing is that, it has helped me make friends with even the most unlikeliest of people !!

    So, in the beginning, you should be patient and read just for the sake of enjoying his literary style, which, by the way, I found very very addictive! Recommend

  • malik

    (Excerpts from a Wodehouse novel)

    A young man explains how his girl friend broke off with him:

    “As you are aware, we went to wander in the woods. Well, you know how you feel when you are wandering in the woods with a girl you adore. The sunlight streamed through the overhanging branches, forming a golden pattern on the green below, the air was heavy with fragrant scents and murmurous with the drone of fleeting insects, and what with one thing and another, I was led to remark that I loved her as no one had ever loved before. Upon which, she said that I did not love her as much as she loved me. I said yes, I did, because my love stood alone. She said, no, it didn’t, because hers did. I said it couldn’t, because mine did.

    “Hot words ensued, and a few moments later she was saying that she never wanted to see or speak to me again because I was an obstinate, fat-headed son of an army mule…”Recommend

  • A.P.

    So glad to hear its kind of normal to have it. I thought i am the one of the few. And I wish I find my calling before its too late.Recommend