The relationship paradox

Published: July 13, 2010

Relationships can lead to complications and being single means your lonely - so who is happier?

Someone asked me if it was true that people in relationships were happier than those who are single. The issue is quite debatable and the answer evaded me. So, over the past week I have been asking different people, married, single, divorced, engaged, and newly- weds for their opinion. But I still could not easily determine whether people in relationships were happier than single ones.

I decided to analyse data I had. According to my survey people in stable relationships, which offered security and understanding, were happy. But immature relationships led to short-term happiness and extreme sadness in the end.  Facts confirmed my study. People in relationships live longer. Marriage apparently adds around seven years to the life of a man and four to the life of a woman. Figures for those who live together are similar.While both psychologists and physiologists agree that people in relationships are happier than those without them an unhealthy relationship can lead to extreme unhappiness.

According to a psychologist men need to be in a relationship more than women. Men need to have a physical relationship (marital or otherwise) while woman want to get settled. “No matter how successful a woman might be in her life, she experiences a real sense of security after marrying a man, who is physically and mentally strong.” The pscychologist said that women’s desire for security doesn’t exhibit their inferiority. It is necessary both for man and woman be honest in a loving relationship. “The physical need is very natural. If not fulfilled it can create psychological problems like agitation, anger, aggression and depression. So being married or engaged is better than being single than just have a casual physical relationship or living together without any physical relation.”

Why are people in relationships happier (at first!)

Humans are social animals. When  in a relationship people can share things, take care of each other and offer support. People appear to feel better about themselves and their lives when they move into more committed relationships. Which is why many of my friends were happy when their relationships started but now just a few years after getting married, they are miserable. A married friend of mine says:

How lucky single people are… they have no responsibility, no answering to anyone. They just enjoy the golden period of their single life.”

Upon asking her why feels this way she told me that she was sick of her mother-in-law who was kind until the wedding but now prompts her husband to beat her up. But relationships with out violent in-laws are not simple either. One girl tells me that anyone who has ever been in one knows that it can add no value to life. She says that all the expectations and conditions are daunting. “There’s only one kind of love- that’s unconditional. Relationships are just a bunch of rules that hold you down. They’re hard work!” She is against relationships.

A girl I know was dating her cousin. The families didn’t support their relationship and she ended up marrying someone else. Despite the circumstances she was blissful at during the honeymoon stage of the relationship but is extremely unhappy now.

Some relationships are harder than others

When relationships are not fruitful,  individuals start to become unhappy. People in secure and happy relationships show a higher level of well being than those in unhappy or one sided relationships. Well being, here is associated with self-esteem, general life satisfaction, comfort and welfare. Committed relationships have a great potential to affect the mental, physical ,social and psychological health of individuals. For some, relationships can be like a U-turn: meaning they are a slightly unhappy when the relationship starts, are very happy at the time of marriage and become unhappy again  after some years of marriage. Unstable commitments tend to lead to low self-esteem, less satisfaction and depression. These are a few examples:

A 32-year-old  man tells me he hates women. His first engagement broke at the behest of the girl’s family. He got engaged again but it turned out that his fiance was interested in someone else. She  broke it off. He now hates the idea of being in a relationship and doesn’t even want to talk it.

Another girl I know married a man of her choice with their parents bessings. But after six years of marriage she is childless and unhappy. Doctors have told her that her husband has fertility problems.

One couple is facing difficulty as the husband is unemployed and the woman earns for the whole family. She was happy when her relationship started but is now sad as she wants her husband to support her.  

In a case of young love gone wrong a boy’s girlfriend abruptly asked him to stop calling him. He is an extremely unhappy person now.

Another man married a girl of his mother’s choice even though he was interested in a classmate. He never got adjusted with his wife. After some years she left him and took the children with her. He started taking drugs for solace.

Single and not looking

Some single people I spoke to said they would prefer to remain that way. They said they enjoyed their freedom and that relationships brought too much pain when they ended. “If we are secure and content in ourselves we can approach life much more confidently. We can be happier and healthier.”A single teacher told me that she believed in womens liberty and wanted to live an independent life.

But being single can result in loneliness too. People may take drug or tranquilizers to dull their pain. I can generalise that it is very hard for single people (especially women) to live and promote themselves in our society where security and safety needs are associated with committed relationships. However, crushes and even one-sided relationship can prove destructive for a person. Also, relationships that don’t bring desired outcomes don’t prove beneficial

In the spotlight

Looking at the world of showbiz, there are some who say that marriage was the biggest mistake of their life while some manage to live with their families happily. A renowned TV model and anchor, told me:

It varies from person to person. If one gets into a relationship, he or she must be fully committed and loyal. If a person is single, he or she is quite independent. But everyone needs a partner. It’s all natural. A good relationship is important to give you security and a sense of care.”

Sadaf Fayyaz

Sadaf Fayyaz

A freelance journalist, photographer, blogger and writer's take on life, culture, media and everything else.

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Shumaila

    I think casual physical or open relationships are preferable to all this fuss. Recommend

  • Zafarullah

    Relationships are the beauty of life. i do not agree with the psychologist that men need it more than women. i had been in relationships all the time of life with women, like friends, class mates, girl friends, cousins and colleagues, and i believe that both of them need it badly. the time spent in a relationship is always memorable, no matter relationship stays or gone, we just need to open ourselves a bit, no one lives with the other person for ever except marriage. so, we should keep our expectation minimum and just relish the whatever small time, we have been given by the circumstances. Recommend

  • Celibate

    Tell us something that we don’t know already! Same old debate.Recommend

  • http://twitter.com/fatimaajmal Fatima Ajmal

    Whoever said: “No matter how successful a woman might be in her life, she experiences a real sense of security after marrying a man, who is physically and mentally strong.”

    The reality of lower and middle-class society is that successful women usually have to support the entire family including their good-for-nothing husbands and in-laws. The only women that benefit from marriage are ones who make nothing of themselves, so they are lucky to have husbands who support them. From the poor maid who works from morn till night and her druggie husband who steals away her income to tech-savy career-oriented girls who have to marry beneath them only because ‘larka kam kamata hai, isi liye humain job wali larki chahiye’. LOL -I say: screw marriage and the over-rated ‘sense of security’ -Open relationships FTW!Recommend

  • Rabiya Haq

    I am 35 years single woman. To some extent it is right that being a single gives you lot of freedom. But at my age i think security is far far important than independence and freedom. The charm of freedom is fake and the reality is that in our society for a woman security is very important.Although I am very happy at my home with my family but i still feel something lacking. But this doesn’t mean I am frustrated or desperate for marriage in terms of getting into physical relation which is very natural human instinct. For me marriage is important for strong companionship. I am saying this because people assume single and off age women are frustrated which is wrong. It varies to one’s home surroundings and atmosphere.Recommend

  • http://sadaf-fayyaz.blogspot.com/ SadafFayyaz

    Thanks all….Thats why I wrote “paradox”….It took more than 2 weeks to collect data from different people….I have tried to categorize too…models, anchors, dish washer, singles, in relationship people, zero relationship people, old ladies, old aged women and men, teenagers, youngsters, collegiates, University people, lectureres, highly independent people, ….and every other story was quite quite different from the other one….Even two siblings had differnt ideas and theories about relationships….ceteris paribus of some facts and things…Recommend

  • anum

    boring write up but seemingly interesting topic. but very poorly written man, it doesnt qualify to be on a newspaper.Recommend

  • Hasan

    I’m sorry, but the fact that being single automatically pushes you to drugs is stretching this argument to the very limit of coherence.

    Being single does not mean that you are going to be mopey and sad all the time. If you find a creative outlet for your ‘physical’ needs, you’d be surprised at the results. This is not to say that the emotional and physical satisfaction of long-term committed relationship diminishes – it’s a necessity for a stable and productive society.

    However, it’s a matter of self-control and persistence. If you find painting or photography relaxes you, then persevere in those fields. Yes, some people will fall of the track and resort to destructive tings, but that is when they are unable to move on and self-actualize. Passion is an extremely productive emotion if managed correctly.Recommend

  • http://thatis.me/wasijaved/ Muhammad Wasif Javed

    I personally think being in relationship is self satisfactory & happiest period of anyone’s life unless it isn’t for temporary joy. Strong & unbreakable relationships can only build by following 2 prophecy rules of “Truthfulness & Honesty” in a relationship.Recommend

  • http://www.qurayshis.blogspot.com/ Rayees Qurayshi

    Hello
    Very good and relevant post written on the above said topic.Recommend

  • Awais

    Quite Relevant ..
    Relationships these days are not mature as they used to be. They are weak as thread, they carry along until everything is well and clear,but when it comes to coping a complexity a break even point comes, and one leaves it saying its out of bound …!Recommend

  • http://e-irfan.com Irfan Suleman

    so what’s the outcome?Recommend

  • http://sadaf-fayyaz.blogspot.com/ SadafFayyaz

    no specific outcome as such….Every story is different from last story….Too diverse….Recommend

  • Noshin

    Marriage..One question that has always been in my mind is …. Is it acceptable in Islam.. that if you donot find a suitable person …one can stay Single through out his/her life ..If “YES” than let me say in my Opinion I will like to remian Single, be more honest and giving in the relationships that Allah has blessed to me in the life so far .”Parents” yes because the Marraige demands from a girl to bring in all the goodies, beauty, richness etc.. and leave the brain and heart some where in the Safe.. because Marriage is just a Compromise for establishing your image in the society … to prove one self that . Look i got married so I am ” Pretty Normal socially “.I have seen my few friends who married to pshcycopaths and ended up in 3-6 months into Divorce.Ok the percentage in these times is pretty high.We all need a package , a deal ,a compromise….. Love and Happiness is only when u are single .. it dies once u get married because then its just ‘Compromise’.Dissiatisfcation in life follows later on even if you are happy inititally in a relatioship.Unfortunately Females have to compromise wayyy too much then teh males in our society.If Life is all about Happiness, Perseverance,Patience and for being Thankful to Allah in all the possible manner. Then that one can have even being Single. Wats the point of getting married if you are forced to loose your Self esteem , your self respect and Change into what ever that one person wishes to make you to be for better or worse…Yes only one solid reason for any female to marry could be “RESPECT” if the other person gives you respect , you don have to leave your heart and brain somewhere else ……thats the Ideal image only any Female expects to have after marriage.Recommend

  • Noshin

    Further to my above comment . I recalled most recetly i was watching ARY Morning Show and i came across Moin Bukhari interview.. I really liek what he said .. In our famous historical myths or stories It was never that heer ranjha, sohni and blab la ever ended up into getting married.. Lolss. He said so tahts teh reality actually..Love is only Before one marriexs and dies just when u get Married. Then u hate the small things in eachother, why he said this , what amentality, she is just not my type… all such kinds of realisations are only revealed After Marriage. The extramarital affairs are on absolute Rise at the moment with the ethical and moral values dying at an increasing rate. Either you accept the life so or quit.. So “Shadi kii kyon thee phir “Recommend

  • winner

    Islam asks to find relations in “HUM-KUFW” people…& the real way to find relations is expressed this way, i.e. go for Taqwa and dont go for money, zaat or beauty….
    marriages that fail almost always start with either money, physical beauty or caste in mind….

    Find your spouse who is fearful of Allah and observes Islam to the fullest….

    I might look a bit conservative…..but marriages only break when one has no fear of Allah…when one does not fear Allah then good behaviour or reconciliation becomes thrown out of picture………

    Remember Allah says that TALAQ is worst thing amongst the hilal ones…i.e it must be avoided unless and until really required……Recommend

  • Shahzad

    When you praise your Lord, be content with what He gave you and work towards the purpose of life as He has defined, there is happiness, bliss, satisfaction and security in any situation. My Lord has created us in pairs and showed us the ways to engage in each other both working towards to achieve the absolute and pure love of your Lord.Recommend

  • http://sadaf-fayyaz.blogspot.com/ SadafFayyaz

    @Noshin, rabiya and fatima, sepcially..Your feedback is really honest and bitter….I loved it….You came up with some new issues that need to be addressed separately….But the points are truly valid….Its those Elderly women who make it harder for us….marry an idiot,,, but do marry..”Kia hoga…aagey, beta”…Sorry to say, those who have crossed their thirties,,,abhi tak kuch nahi hua… but we have managed to survive and live…isnt it?
    @Winner extremely true,,,relationships break when things like beauty, money, and caste leave their impact…they lose purity…Recommend

  • Naeem

    I am agreeing on what you have written infact it really helps me to understand my position. I am suffering from both way. I have suffering because I am single. I was suffering because my previous relationship was immature. For Man is very important to be in relationship… I am single so I am more aggressive its like wildness dont think…can drive vehicle more that 120, come late, sleep hungry, dont take bath some time.. cause nobody is controling… Thats bad thing for me, my society as well. I am careless because I dont have responsibilities. Relationships gives sense of responsibilities and decipline which is really good for individulas and society.Recommend

  • Marc S Robinson

    I think when it comes to happiness in marriage or in relationships or even in a live-in, it all depends on the person who wakes up on the other side of your bed every morning, your partner can really change the world for you positively and negatively as well. So according to what i have seen in life i think everything depends on your companion and it depends on you as well from the point of view of your companion, so just understand each other and love each other without any reason apart from LOVE. Or just be single, its not too bad either. Recommend

  • Dr. Nadir Jillani Bhatti (Pharm. D, R. Ph.) Editor-in-Chief HEALTH INSIGHT magazine

    I TOTALLY AGREED WITH SADAF FAYYAZ
    BIOLOGICAL POINT OF VIEW OF “THE RELATIONSHIP PARADOX”
    there are many chemical changes occur in man and women after marriage,,,,as some of body hormones as testosterone level in the blood, activate in our body to strenghten the physical as well as mental condition…..but meanwhile as a single person, she/he should be more determinant, devoted………so, the conclusion that single/in relationship make the person caring, daring, responsilble, efficient, successful………
    SOCIAL POINT OF VIEW OF “THE RELATIONSHIP PARADOX”
    socially the person can enjoy the life in relationhip more than a single because cosially some qualities ultimate you adopt by the ralationship no matter husband or wife…….you will become the LEADER of family as…
    L – LOYAL
    E – EFFICIENT
    A – ACTIVE
    D – DARING
    E – ELIGIBLE
    R – REALISTIC Recommend

  • sadaffayyaz

    @nadir and mark thank u so much…..your feedback is even valuable for me.I found it as a paradox, no proper conclusion as such. If partner is good, good, if there’s none, remain single as Mark said……Recommend

  • http://obaiddgr8.daportfolio.com Obaid ur REHMAN

    I wud lyk 2 ask a basic n simple questn 2 evry1 here ..

    Why God created us in relationship, from the day v born? lyk when a child is born, he is in a relationship wid his parents?

    Now if u think precisely on this, u vl c0m on da point dat Why God created us in a relationship ..

    u vl knw d importanc of relationship n ths scheme..

    a person can never b happy in his wh0l lyf …Recommend

  • a jotter

    I saw an article recently that indicated that when men grow old if they do not have a relationship the chances of being the classic grumpy old man increase, whereas if they were in a relationship they became the kindly old man. All based on averages, of course. I think the important thing for anyone, however, is how they adjust. Many of my single friends have adjusted just fine. Same with married friends. It’s how you adjust to your situation.Recommend

  • Usman Ali Farooq

    Interesting article. Case studies aside, I think trying to rationalize & objectively elaborate something like relationships, marriage etc isn’t really the silver bullet to go about comprehending its many trivialties.

    As far as the freedom is concerned then yes; this particular time of one’s youth is one inwhich one has the potential to go above & beyond one’s mental/physical faculties & push the envelope of productivity even further. All that energy is directed toward JUSTIFYING your own existence, not only to yourself but to others as well. It’s an emotional high when you see how many achievements you’ve racked up over the years, to see how far you’ve come. But then, you, or someone else, feels this “need”. And one feels the pressure. Allow me to ingress.

    Relationships(out of wedlock): I don’t claim to be an expert on Islamic law, but you don’t need to be to realize just how morally grey this area is. That said, it’s a privelage that so many years of education & exposure to the world emancipates our minds & turns us into sensible productive individuals. But how many of us have enough self control & foresight to deal with the problems that relationships bring? How do we get the needed insight when the only real information/guidleine is anecdotal in nature &/or gleaned off of the TV? How does one go about verifying the accuracy of both sides when a relationship falls apart? The answer is simple. One cannot.

    I for one, strongly believe you shoudn’t really enter into such a thing when your studies are on the line, despite me being guilty of making the same mistake, I’m sorry to say. You can’t expect two hormone driven teenagers to have any real shot at making their thing permanent. Relationships in Uni rarely work out; students are students. Maturely handling this thing needs, well, maturity, something a lot of students lack. On the other hand, settled professionals should be extra careful when scouring for a potential partner. The only way to go about this is just like any other project. Do your research, find out what psychologists label an “ideal guy/gal”, write down your OWN needs & desires & what you expect & what your values are. Then, have a candid discussion with that person about what you are & where you’re coming from, establish your base & see if the other person responds to your liking, & then continue negotiations. Personally, making the females in my circle of friends laugh & generally being charming is not a breeze for me, but it’s a social skill, not a a tool to find my way inside a girl’s heart.

    For a relationship to survive, respect has to be given. By both sides. Personal spaces should be respected. At the same time, compromises should be made, & only REALISTIC expectations of one another should be kept in mind. In other words, you need to WORK at it to make it better. And both sides should understand that hardships strengthen love & respect. Misunderstandings later on in relationships with both the spouse & the inlaws can be avoided to a large extent by taking the above steps.

    Now coming to the sad part about the unlucky folks in the article aswell as the comments, I can only sympathise. Our social setup frowns on single people, & at one point or another our parents pressurise us to tie the knot with someone we don’t like. Again, RESEARCH, I can’t stress this enough, is IMPERATIVE if you want to maximize your chances of finding the right person. Dig around, ask stuff, have the person followed or WHATEVER! Don’t be a sitting duck for crying out loud! It’s YOUR life & YOU need to take action! So if something’s off then the whole thing’s OFF! Even Dr. Zakir Naik has established that talking things through with a prospective life partner in a decent setting is well justified.

    A friend of mine is a chemical engineer. He’s single. Now this guy has spent 6 years abroad & earns around Rs. 20 lac per month. Recently he was here & we were hanging around; the guy was unhappy. He was dissatisfied. He drives around in a Ferrari back in the States, & he’s UNHAPPY. Made me think. Is money really all I’m after in my single life? I still haven’t figured it out.

    In the end, it’s all about priorities. But you need to be firm with your thing. Loneliness is inevitable at one point or the other, but if you don’t want companionship then apply yourself in other areas to keep yourself busy. Be productive. Join an NGO. Educate orphans. Blog. But if you do decide to “step up”, make damn sure that you make every effort to find the RIGHT person.

    I believe guidelines set by our great religion Islam are there for a reason. People get all the wrong ideas from these stupid soap operas all over TV. One should not base one’s opinions & expectations on fantasies. Reality is where we live. Our informed decisions should reflect this inescapable fact.Recommend

  • Dr.Uffaq Zara

    For an human, relation is all about i think.This planet got inhabitated once the relationship was made,so it is one of the most clear phenomenon i admit to be existed.Now how much we need a relation in our lives,is not an issue,to be talked as being male or female, infact it is our genetics,what we are made up of,very basic physiological need which if not get fulfilled will definitly comes up with multiple physical and social signs of disruption.
    Next to it how one can make him succesful in keeping a particular relationship,which is man made (not natural one),so far my experience is concerned, i have seen many many times that we do not let one estimate for having someone in his or her life to share joy and sorrow.We never allow them to evaluate them.It is always like discussing others negatively because of unusaul experiences,one is doing and such provoking and aggresion some sentiments drive people to get start with the relation… few strive to get adjusted, develop love or an associatrion,few with such pre conception started with an frustration and ended with misery.But over all all make it to the best of their potential and tolerance.Facing circasting remarks and living in the same environment.
    What and how people measure is most important than What we exactly feel to happen.For me,the most astonishing thing is the unexpected moral support of all those who get victimized by the same un bearable custom and culture and still following it even after getting a chance to change it or to have certain modifications.Recommend

  • Reactionary

    No offence, but there is no point to this piece…totally ridiculousRecommend

  • Dr.Uffaq Zara

    Well truly spoken that world exists with realtionship.Undoubtly this planet got inhabited once a relationship was made.So the question how important a relationship is in our lives is mostly seif answered.When the significance of a relation is asked,the disrimination being male or female can not be considered,as it our genetics,what we are made up of,the most basic physiological need to be in realtionship.And if it doesnot get fulfilled then definitly comes up with signs of disruption both physically and socially.
    Yes life absolutly changes with the inclusion of some one and gets morbid with the loss of it.So it is an essiantial component of our life.Now what makes us succesful to keep it,is different for every one.I think we never let people to estimate the need of having some one in our life as a compulsory person to share the joy and sorrow.Its society more to drive us for a man made (not natural one) relation rather than we ourselves.Frustration of wordly needs,social pre requisites,eligibities and equivalences take us to misery or some time to an happy ending different for different sect,race,class and caste.Sufferes are both man and woman.
    What and how people measures is far more important than what we feel to happen.And obviously with opponent inner one can not be sweet and pleasent for outer world.
    Teaching our youngsters,relation as a vegetative need,is very important to abort the mishappenings and avoid social crisis of keeping a relation in our world.Recommend

  • B

    Concur with “Reactionary” . Ridiculous post! It’s meaningless. Recommend

  • http://sadaf-fayyaz.blogspot.com/ SadafFayyaz

    Well, the topic was suggested by the editorial team,,,, so cant say…:) I am happy to see that every person has a different opinion and theory than other person….Even if the research says “that its vital and important”, I have a school of thought like Rabiya and Fatima and Marc..(who commented above). Its important, but if there is no one…forget it….Dont go for stupid relationships that bring pain…..Recommend

  • Hassan Ali

    It is a really nice topic dealing with the cases which married and non-married people have to face in life. According to me and my life experience, i have felt that no matter how much we try to be independent, at last we are a social animal who cannot separate itself from the social world around him. However, the relationship he adopts depends upon the person and the environment he is living in. For example, i have seen in some families, that parents support their daughters and help them in becoming independent and don’t force them to get married and on the other hand, the marriage is consider the utmost responsibility in most of the families. In short, our observations, experiences, pressures faced by us and our thinking shapes up our decision of getting married or not.Recommend

  • http://ayesha5.wordpress.com Ayesha

    It’s a wonderful post and makes sense. Stability is the core of any relationship but it is fragile too! Recommend

  • http://sadaf-fayyaz.blogspot.com/ SadafFayyaz

    :) My mother is an favor of relationship..why? she got a lot of security, status and took advantage out of it….I didnt take any advantage from any relationship, except of parents…The boys interested if I could make assingments and projects for them..After that a Goodbye from them…Recommend

  • Anum

    Relationships are the blessing of God, there is nothing any forced bound.. it exists naturally,,, one can find signs of Allah from every small to gigantic object from the nature… this ship of relations is the same object… One must be thankful that there is someone who cares, love and admire him/her. Recommend

  • Abid Ali Khan

    Well they both kinda have their advantages. Being with someone you get that butterfly in your tummy feeling and feel loved. Being close to someone. Share your problems.

    But single, you don’t have to deal with going out of your way extra to get ready and make yourself look good for someone all the time, or have all that drama that comes with a relationship, trust issues, jealousy.

    I read most of the comments on the article. Some of them while being in a relationship blamed someone for having an unhappy life. This raise a question “Why allow others to affect your relationship?” This does not mean that you break up with everyone around you but I think there is always a way to tell others to keep some distance when it comes to your relationship with your partner. The day you stop others to dictate you about how to handle things in your relationship YOU will be happy.

    Personally I think I am in the most complicated relationship if we consider the norms of our country ( not gay :) ) BUT I know without any doubt that I am very HAPPY.Recommend

  • http://sadaf-fayyaz.blogspot.com/ SadafFayyaz

    @Ayesha, Anum, Hassan Thanks…
    @Abid…Thank you for your honest and couragous feedback….I can understand what you feel..if one is chased or fooled badly in a relationship, he/she starts hating it…They r happy being single…..They dont want to go through the pain that they initially went through from a relationship…..Recommend

  • Mehboob Hassan

    Naming this thread as paradox is partially right just because of new era dilemma. No one can give one logical yet natural reason to stay single.

    Everyone knows. . .

    Best men of this world (prophets) didn’t preached for living ‘single’ life.
    & all the creations indulge in relationships, naturally.

    People who oppose natural way of growing relationships pay the price in this world in many ways and they would be vulnerable to get penalized in Hereafter; not only due to stopping natural sense of growth but rejecting Quran & Hadith could serve as sole reason for their trouble there. Those who speak ill of relationships are suffering from error of wrong exemplification.

    P.S. The word relationship in my comment means for “Marriage” only and I strongly denounce pre-marriage love or relationship.Recommend

  • http://www.acmedata-india.com Sapna Gautam

    Well it’s very tough to identify who is exactly happy? I am 29 yrs old single and very happy girl. I have seen many relationships. All most all the relationships are based on how much you SACRIFICE. I have used this word strongly because it happens with girl or a boy, men or a women. Most of the cases couple is too busy in demanding, they don’t notice good things done by their partners. We become so engrossed in satisfying our emotional or physical needs and forget our partners. One thing more, the moment we start sacrificing for our partner that’s where hatred starts developing deep down in our hearts. When someone let go of things with awareness that becomes love not sacrifice. Basically the problem is individual and we want our partner should be solving our problems. May be the partner is showering you immense love but we never notice that because we want that love should be as per MY liking according to MY Terms and Conditions. That’s where the whole relationship starts sinking. I have had many relationships some good some bad. All the bad relationships were initially very good. I enjoyed all of them. May the be they bad one didn’t meet T&C and good one I didn’t meet theirs. Today I am single because I choose to be single not because of the failure of the relationships. I just think that I need to know myself more than anyone probably then I would be able to understand the other person. I need to love myself then I will be able to give love to others. I enjoy watching my emotions roaring, sometimes happy and sad. I love to watch them. I see no difference in my emotions they are either happy or sad ones. When I was in the relation these were the same emotions just the conditions were different.
    Question remains HOW can we make our life more and more beautiful together or alone? We all want to be happy some are trying to find there happiness in the relationship some are trying to find it alone. There is a course call compassionate communication. I guess we all should do this course single or couples. These courses help us not only express our needs and feelings but also how to understand others. Now we need more techniques to solve these problems. We have enough problems. I strongly suggest everybody to start involve yourself in the activities like meditation, meditation doesn’t mean yoga or pranayam please. I have benefited a lot and I am sure you will get it too. That’s my challenge. Recommend

  • http://sadaf-fayyaz.blogspot.com/ SadafFayyaz

    @Hassan and Sapna thanks….A different thinking….Recommend

  • Imran Aziz

    That’s very interesting article something related to what we want. The real definition of happiness means things what we want in accordance to our dreams and desires but in reality that’s a fantasy. As we know humans have endless desires in relation to physical world where they want to conquer everything which attracts them.
    Coming back to the article i would like to say that relationships are very complex phenomena designed by the creator. A person of one sex attracted towards the person of opposite sex for numerous reasons i.e. physical needs, security, loneliness etc and that particular merger is considered as a relationship whether it comes before the marriage or after the marriage. But why the relationship doesn’t work; the reason is very simple unsatisfied desires and unexpected outcomes. In psychological terms expectation plays a very important role where one can rely on others or others can rely on one resulting in an equilibrium. The disturbances in that particular equilibrium leads to impact the relationship resulting in breakups, divergence, anxiety, depression etc and in order to save the relationship we come to some fixed points i.e. compromise which is neither positive and nor negative thus work as a constant(neutral).
    Allah have created this world for a reason and that reason is to identify HIM through the divine love which is spiritual in nature and Allah have described the relationships very precisely and in the best way in Quran-e-Pak specially through different stories of Prophets in different surahs for instance in Sura Yusuf (relatioship between Zulaikha and Yusuf, relationship between Yaqoob and Yusuf, Binyamin and Yusuf) this whole surah expresses emotional part of physical and spiritual bond between different relationships and in Sura Nisa and Surah Bakra (Marital relationship between male and female).
    Its a long debate but i would like to end that by saying relationships are important as they work in exchange of energies for instance good relationship are good conductors and vice versa. I am conservative by saying that I believe in relationships and i know that to satisfy others is difficult but you know life keeps on changing where twists and turns, ups and downs are the beauty of life which Allah have blessed us.Recommend

  • Rai Ashraf

    I want to tell u a lovely story but wait for it really u will enjoy ………………………….. plz waitRecommend

  • http://sadaf-fayyaz.blogspot.com/ SadafFayyaz

    @Imran, thanks
    @Rai, Thanks but the topic is already covered….:)Recommend

  • Farhan Khalid

    An interesting topic but a critical issue… I learned that being in proactive loyal relationship is the best. Being single is better. And being in a passive fruitless relationship is the worst thing of existence. BUT there is another perspective of knowing what is relationship that observe the whole above debate it is about the human gender relationships and its emotional consequences but non-human relationship is also a parallel factor along with human relationships. For example relation with GOD, your committed mission/goal in life and hanging with creative activities. But such kind of things occurs in better form only when you have stable relationship with humans (1st case) or single/ independent (2nd Case). Just mingling in the politics of human relationship make the purpose of life cheapish. We should try to set-up double sided stable relationship in order to do something remarkable. When we study the lives of great/happy people they were either had strong and stable relationships or they were single. And to be a single does not mean that one is unaware how to fabricate a relationship. Sometimes, distance is mandatory. However, Making relations is an art we should be master of as well as a science we should practice. Regards! Recommend

  • Omer K.

    As open relations are not ethical and impermissible according to Islam…. but i guess… dats become a norm now a days…. so wudnt comment on it….
    A relationship is merely a combination of compromises, understandings, love and keeping religion in ur minds….
    How many of us now a days, keep the last one in mind? that’s the least thing up our mind… ryt?
    The today’s generation is so overloaded with western ideas… less patience… intolerance… and materialism is on the rise…
    The concept of love within a couple is diminishing. I have done a lil’ research as well. .. . asked mostly gals…… loads of Questions… and figured it out that …. money was the most important thing to them …. Most of the guys said da same as well …. One guy quoted me…. “if ur dad is poor…. not by choice… .but u have a choice of having a rich father in law”…. da same guy got married into a rich family… and now a days…. dominated by his in laws… and has a freaked up life… same goes in the vice versa case….

    The truth and bottom line…. We all are not realistic… sincere to ourselves….. Wen v cant b sincere to ourselves… how can we b sincere to others!

    and finally…. to all the mothers out there……” LEAVE YOUR GOD DAMN DAUGHTERS ALONE… WHEN U GIVE THEM AWAY IN MARRIAGE, FOR HEAVENS SAKE…. LEAVE THEM ALONE”Recommend

  • http://sadaf-fayyaz.blogspot.com/ SadafFayyaz

    @Omer…….I guess you are very right and spoke realistically………Recommend

  • http://thatis.me/wasijaved/ Muhammad Wasif Javed

    @Omer K. Thanks for sharing your thoughts & research brother … really valuable :)Recommend

  • Mohsin Hijazee

    Not a useless or pointless post at all. It just shows the temperature around. Firstly, I blame all the men who marry without proper financial standing. Proper financial standing does only mean a consistent income which is necessary for sense of security for even a macho. Recommend

  • Un-ShadiShuda

    Mr Hijazee in that case I believe only public / government sector employees can get married since they are the ones with consisten income for a business man or private sector employee the income is never for sure, you can get asked to pack your bags at any time.
    Believe in Allah as He is the provider, we can only do what we can and hope for the best, the rest of the matters are with Allah.Recommend

  • Happyfeet

    :)… Being a victim of a failed Nikah myself… I do feel better being single again… and yet feel the void of a person( i loved ) i could talk to at the end of the day… A good weather does make me happy but again…want to share it with someone :)
    Money, big house, bigger car and social status were the artifacts, that became soo important after Nikah. I can only wish that i had done more research and had not believed my then partner, in what she said.

    Now, i just hate people who think that someone born from a certain father/mother makes the child superior to others. it feels like we have followed the Hindu cast system.. Shoodars and Barehman… saddens me to a point, sometimes, where i dont really have any faith left in any person here cause i can never tell if a person would change his/her ideologies 180 degrees after a commitment (Nikah) is in place.

    But I do believe that all of us need to be more honest and be ourselves when it comes to tie-ing a life long knot. Just pretending to be the person someone wants us to be always gets us into trouble, later on.
    And yeh :)…the mothers really really need to stop meddling in daughters/sons affairs. If you are not helping the relationship.. stop your input.. :)… Recommend

  • http://sadaf-fayyaz.blogspot.com/ SadafFayyaz

    Good to see all the responses…….its a paradox……..Recommend

  • http://www.facebook.com/IAARACCOP I am a responsible and civilized citizen of Pakistan

    I couldn’t read the entire thing and concluded the crux in the end that it varies from person to person. I’d like to have a good relationship,i.e. my marital life. Can’t say anything as I do not have past experience, however, my singleness is annoying often and I desperately need someone very near to me. May Allah tie us with good partners(spouses). Ameen!Recommend

  • Nobody

    @Omer K.:
    Well said and I agree with you, but on a small side note, let’s not forget to please tell the boy’s mother to back the hell off too. Too much interference from ANY third party, even parents, can be damaging to a relationship/marriage! Recommend

  • Omer K.

    Its very simple friends! Read the human kind manual; the Qura’an ! … and u wont have any issues!

    The Husband – wife relation is quite sacred, and lets put it this way … a very delicate relation…..
    Quran says “Mard ka libaas uss ki biwi ..and aurat ka libaas uss ka husband hai”

    but wot exactly do we do ? we gossip? we cheat on our partners… we tell teeny weeny issues to our parents, friends, brothers n sisters? and then we get a lil piece of advise from them …… that’s exactly where the problem commences!

    STOP GOSSIPING AROUND!
    esp to all u girls out there…… i have seen so much of it that girls go out n say rubbish things about their husbands…. complaining to their mothers n friends that he has bad habits, or comes home late or snores or this n that ! Stop it!

    maybe it will help u in the future!Recommend

  • Omer K.

    @ nobody…. ure right…. anyone… whether guys mother or the girls mother! Anyone….

    but unfortunately … the 13 divorces i have seen …. majority were caused by the girls mother!Recommend

  • Arooj Fatima

    Hi there,
    that was a well written and well researched article. But i beg to differ.
    I feel whatever data you have collected may be in one way or the other, biased. I say this because there are tonnes of people all around us, who are very happy in their life – in their relations.

    The major problem occurs, i believe, when you fall short of the other persons expectations. This is a high point – which unfortunately neither can ignore.

    Why marriages are difficult? Because of the same above said reason.
    It is said, every person has a different view, a different perspective of life. Even people who grew up in the same house and environment tend to be in some situations, complete opposites of one another.
    No one will deny this, we have problems at our parents house as well – we love them to bits – but we do get angry too – some even misbehave.
    At our in-laws, however, we cant show this attitude, very simply because they wont tolerate it. They can not be our blood parents or siblings. there is a difference, for sure!

    Same is the case with a relationship, be it the start or at a very mature stage. There are certain things, that you just have to ignore, just like there are certain things that u have to like because ur partner likes them!

    But if we just lower our expectations a little – try to be more understanding of the fact that we cannot get replicas of our own personalities- and that every person has a right given by God to be different, things will become a lot more easier.

    This has to be done from both the male and the female side.

    Also, theres a growing change in the priorities of ones life. Instead of being stable in a relationship, now a stability in economical status is given more importance. Instead of giving love and care to ur inlaws, u expect them to shower love and care on you.

    In teh end, i’d just like to say, it differs from person to person. Two persons can make life worth living – but even if one falls short of expectations or tries to put in a ME instead of US – the relationship goes down the drain!Recommend

  • Shanzhey Manizhey

    thanks for sharing a wonder-full article. i have never been so loaded before. i like to be overloaded with the info. Thanks a lot for solving the problems of so many. thanks a lot!Recommend