One would think India is a progressive nation, until it makes “celibate” peacocks its national animal

Published: June 6, 2017

The judge claims that India is a country with a population of over a billion people – it should be represented by an animal not having sex.

It stands to reason that a nation situated in one of the least well-endowed regions in the world would have an affiliation for peacocks. Instead, a Rajasthan High Court judge must have been rather afflicted by his peacock – he claims that peacocks are lifelong celibates. The answer shocked interviewers because the question was,

“Judge Mahesh Chandra Sharma, why are you a virgin?”

Steve Carrel will reportedly play Judge Chandra in the movie version of this story titled, The 40-year-old Judge.

Mr Chandra told the reporters,

“The peacock is a lifelong brahmachari (celibate). It never has sex with the peahen. The peahen gets pregnant after swallowing the tears of the peacock.”

Why does the judge even know that? Somebody should delete his internet history before it is leaked online.

His claim is completely ludicrous because as animal experts would testify, it is next to impossible for the peacock to make the peahens swallow anything, especially after marriage.

It might be true that the peacock has spent many a night crying alone. It might also be true that the peahen got pregnant while this was happening, but if the peahen managed to convince the peacock that it was his tears that impregnated her, then the peahen deserves an Oscar.

The peahen has basically pulled a shaggy – she would probably start singing ‘It wasn’t me’ if the peacock was to ever walk into the room while the peahen was not being a brahmachari.

I disagree with the judge.

The judge claims that celibacy is the reason why the peacock should be the national animal of India. India is a country with a population of over a billion people – it should be represented by an animal not having sex. Looking at the rate of population increase in India, nobody is not having sex in India, except maybe Judge Chandra, but that is only because of religious reasons and no other reasons. Nobody should Google his face and believe that it is a choice for the judge when he says he chooses to be celibate, just like his peacock.

It has to be a choice. I cannot imagine how a peacock could have difficulty in picking up peahens. It has a full proof strategy to pick up females. Anytime a peacock likes a peahen, it walks up to her and bares his backside. All the feathers from his back become upright completely. What peahen would not want the peacock after that?

I have tried to replicate this strategy at many a bar in the world, but somehow girls are not attracted to me. It has to be because I am a human being – if I was a peacock, I am sure I would have been the talk of the town.

India’s national animal should not be the cow or the peacock. It should be the bonobo monkey – they use sex to greet each other, even then they have a slower population growth than India.

If only India was less interested in animal sex lives and more interested in creating safe spaces for human beings in their cities, then it could be truly regarded as a progressive nation. For now, the country has to contend with judges spending time Googling how much sex peacocks are having – or at least I hope he Googled that.

It would be really awkward if he went around interviewing peacocks about their sex life. It would also be really intrusive. The peacock is a revered bird in India.

shehzad.ghias

Shehzad Ghias

A graduate from the LUMS Law School and is running his own theatre production company, Cogito Productions.He works as a theatre teacher at various schools. He tweets @Shehzad89 (twitter.com/Shehzad89)

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • wb

    You know what is really sad?!!! That you somehow zoom-lensed into this news and found time to write about it.

    Tsk, tsk, tsk…Taliban all dead? Islamists all gone? Borders all secured? All children going to school? Hunger eliminated? Panamagate resolved? Cricket team number one in the world? Films winning bears, leopards, golden statues left right and center? Software and knowledge industry booming? Democacy has all power?…

    Yet, you found this to write on!!!! Not even on Trump who said climate change is a hoax?Recommend

  • Procastinator

    I came here to expecting to read brilliant puns and sarcasm but ended us reading a typical rant of a Pakistani for India. Anyways, well done for rubbing it in to Indians.Recommend

  • Rohan

    If Pakistan stopped creating jehadis ,stopped obsessing about Indian and stopped senseless killing and acted like human beings then it’d be marginally better.But either ways I’ve no hope for you since bigotry is entrenched just like it is in their articleRecommend

  • Rahul

    How Pakistanis start their day

    1. Find some obscure, odd news from India
    2. Laugh at it, share it with your friends on Whatsapp, Phone your relatives or publish a blog post
    3. Thank Allah he made Islam such a perfect religion that it has no idiosyncrasies
    4. Thank Jinnah for making Pakistan so that Pakistanis do not have to suffer Indian Jaheeliyat and Jahariyat
    5. Pat Pakistanis on the back for being wise, progressive and free of superstitions.

    We are so happy we are such a big part of your day and you have the internet (electricity permitting) and you can access all the bad news from India and keep smiling.Recommend

  • Xyz

    Why is there so much obsession with India … one comment from one judge from one state…and you paint a picture on the country! Most Indians don’t care about what this guy said, most Indians don’t care about what lot of Pakistani personalities say … Really this article completely​ lacks any coherence or literary standing…where was the need to even have an opinion on this ?! Recommend

  • Sajjad

    “it is next to impossible for the peacock to make the peahens swallow anything, especially after marriage” – as absolute gem of a line. Couldn’t stop laughing, had tears in my eyes, asked my wife to do what peahen does. Now I have a bruised eye:(Recommend

  • Sajjad

    Wow, these Indians are missing the whole plot. Feel sorry for them.Recommend

  • Shakir Lakhani

    A judge is not an ordinary man. What he says proves that the quality of education in India is abysmal.Recommend

  • Shakir Lakhani

    You forgot “Thank Allah your ancestors converted to Islam, otherwise you would have been compelled to eat and drink what 90% of Indians eat and drink”.Recommend

  • Addy

    You nailed it man, loved it…Recommend

  • ajay gupta

    indeed! so that is why warren buffet recommends IITs to Bill Gates!Recommend

  • Kulbhushan yadav

    So you means Pakistanis do not eat and drink what 90% Indians do? Well FYI 90 % Indians consume vegetables, meat , dairy products etc and 100 % of them drink water. Now I wonder whay does Pakistani consume. Grass may be, as Bhutto once proclaimed.Recommend

  • PorkSmasher

    Yes,A judge is not an ordinary man but it doesnt mean that what he thinks the same way whole nation is thinking. After all a judge is a human being first, he may have his personal opinions.Recommend

  • peter pan

    Great!!Recommend

  • Arsha

    Are you appreciating the author’s sense of humor?! Honestly it is a very poorly written piece… Compare this to sarcasm or humor of Paracha and tell me this stands even remotely close. Humor and pettiness are very different things. There is no chivalry, no self deprecating generosity, no biting sarcasm in this piece , just very poor writing. Very surprising considering the author is in art. Where is the artistry?Recommend

  • Xyz

    Very strange then that Pakistanis come to India for medical treatment. Indians from engineering schools in India hold leading positions in global companies. Leading companies are establishing research centres here. What a contradiction hm?Recommend

  • gp65

    Frankly, the comment about the peacock’s celibacy was laughable. But it was a comment by one individual. How does it reflect on the whole country?
    Also, is this the first time that virgin birth has been referred to? What about Mother Mary?Recommend

  • seriously?

    “If only India was less interested in animal sex lives and more interested in creating safe spaces for human beings in their cities”

    Please check which country watches maximum animal sex porn (no it is not India). And just because your women are socially ashamed to file FIRs for rape and the country does not compile such statistics nationally does not mean Pakistan safer.

    “Looking at the rate of population increase in India,”

    Actually India’s total fertility rate was 2.2 in 2015. 2.1 is considered a prerequisite for population stabilization and probably has already been achieved. The population will grow for another 20-25 years due to demographic momentum. But have you checked what the TFR of Pakistan is?

    “The peacock is a revered bird in India”
    Source please? By the way, it has always been the national bird. If you find out a few years later that it is the national bird, do not write another blog about how clueless Indians are. BTW, Virgin Mary is revered by Christians. Write a blog on that next.Recommend

  • gp65

    He is referring to population size. It is obvious from the context.Recommend

  • gp65

    What does this have to do with education? Must be his personal belief. There is no evidence that he has given questionable judgments.Recommend

  • rama

    Before commenting on this are you aware that Pakistan space program started 8 years prior to India and Pakistan still begging to China for setting satellite reception center in Pakistan Recommend

  • PorkSmasher

    Yes, it is true, the first cosmetic surgery was done by Sushrut, you can google it. Even in Muslim country camel pee is considered as a holy so if Hindus consider cow as sacred then what’s harm in it. You can Google to check how Muslims consider camel pee as sacred.Recommend

  • Myrna Minkoff

    The judge who made this comment is an idiot but this article is a little disingenuous. Because the peacock is already the national bird. And no one was asking to make it the national animal, there is already a national animal in India – the tiger.
    Besides, the judge’s comment became a joke in India, no one cares about the celibacy.Recommend

  • Ahmar

    It was funny, until it turned from making fun of one person’s stupidity to making fun of a whole nation. I am surprised Express Tribune allowed it given their large Indian readership on the site.Recommend

  • Simla

    Just today another Pakistani paper published that a 16 year old girl was abducted drugged and gang raped by 5 men in Ghotki.Recommend