Presenting, Pakistan’s Social Media Awards for 2016!

Published: December 20, 2016

Looking forward to more crazy moments in 2017. The world has stepped up its game. We need to follow suit.

Nobody does crazy like Pakistan. In 2016, the world lost their collective cool and Pakistan was put on the crazy back burner. But that does not mean we didn’t have our moments.

It is time to acknowledge those moments. The strangest out of all the weird stories, the most real-fake news, as well as the funniest – let’s honour the best.

Presenting, the Social Media Awards for 2016!

From sacrificing goats before flying planes to kabootar agents, from stationary dharnas to mankind’s angels, from chai walas to Momina; these are my favourite stories from last year.

The time for politics is over; we are in the age of the celebrity – Donald Trump is president. The victor of the 2018 elections in Pakistan may depend on who is trending today!

The nominees are:

1. Momina Mustehsan – Coke Studio has never had so many people listen to their songs on mute.

2. Arshad Chaiwala – because.. blue eyes!

3. Fawad Khan – have you seen him? Pakistan and India almost went to war over him.

4. Hamza Ali Abbasi – I love Pakistan. PTI4lyfe. Plz share.

5. Shafaat Ali – the easiest way to make Pakistanis laugh is by mimicking their politicians. We love our mimics!

6. Junaid Akram – khalli karao

7. Nasir Khan Jan

And the winner is:

Arshad Chaiwala.

Why?

Because, I repeat, blue eyes!

Ideally this award would be given to the moments where Hamza Ali Abbasi says anything, but he got nominated in the previous category so let’s give someone else a shot.

The nominees are:

1. The ban on Indian Movies – how dare they send Fawad Khan back? … wait we should be thanking them for that; Fawad Khan is back!

2. Every Facebook comment thread on an Express Tribune story – you are no more than two degrees away from every story being made about Pakistan–India.

3. Trolling India over Pakistan becoming the number one Test team of the year – finally proving the two nation theory!

4. Imran Khan announcing a new date for the dharna – March 2016.

5. Imran Khan announcing a new date for the dharna – June 2016.

6. Imran Khan announcing a new date for the dharna – October 2016.

7. Imran Khan announcing a new date for the dharna – November 2016.

8.  ___________________________________ (keep space in case Imran Khan announces a new date for a dharna in December)

And the winner is:

Farhan Khan Virk.

He doesn’t have to be invited to get into every conversation.

2016 was the year that patriarchy was challenged more vehemently on social media than ever before. Even so, some men around the world stuck to their ideas of masculinity. We would like to reward these men with a slow clap.

The nominees are:

1. The Indian man who sought a divorce after being called a mota haathi (fat elephant).

2. The Saudi man who divorced his four wives so he could marry four others.

3. Qandeel Baloch’s brother.

4. Rana Sanaullah – because moochain.

5. Commander Safeguard

6. Hafiz Hamdullah for assaulting Marvi Sirmed during a live show on News One.

And the winner is:

Qandeel Baloch was the internet personality of the year for 2016 which made the news of her brothers actions spread like wildfire. But his actions were deplorable and inexcusable. So, Saaf Saaf Pakistan – Congratulations Commander Safeguard.

The typical Pakistani reaction to ‘bold’ videos is,

“Taubah, taubah. Astaghfar. Haw, haye. How could they do this? ….. Acha phir say chalao.”

And the nominees are:

1. When Pakistan was found out as the country that watches the most gay pornography – must be CIA ki saazish!

2. Qawalis – one of the saddest days ever in the history of this country – what do we do when our culture is declared haraam?

3. Pakistani 50 shades darker trailer – it’s my list I can put whatever I want on it!

4. Valentine’s Day – why not Haya Day?

5. Throwing chapals at helicopters – helicopters are haraam.

6. The Renaming of the National Centre for Physics  at Quaid-e-Azam University (QAU) after Dr Abdus Salam.

And the winner is

My personally believe the Pakistani 50 shades darker trailer was hilarious. But even I cannot help but acknowledge the symbolic victory behind the government naming the National Centre for Physics at QAU after Dr Abdul Salam!

And the nominees are:

1. When Pervez Rasheed refused to say Middlesex – but our country recognises the third gender?

2. When Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf strongly opposed the Protection of Women against Violence Bill – because naya Pakistan.

3. When the Council of Islamic Ideology proposed lightly beating your wife – ‘Did they type wife? We meant eggs. Lightly beat eggs to make cake!’

4. Halal Boy by Deen Squad – Why are we not playing this everywhere?

And the winner is:

Deen Squad – Alhamdulillah!

Khabaristan Times can try as much as they want – they cannot come up with fake news that is crazier than our actual news.  I am not even going to have nominees for this one – my favourite fake news of the year is when Donald Trump was declared Pakistani!

I don’t blame the kids – I blame the adults who let this happen!

A bike wala not allowed in at Café Flo – the colonisers would be so proud of what they have left behind!

This award goes to the Punjab Curriculum for Home Economics for showing a house wife how she should spend her day!

Special mention:

1. The Punjab Government for giving schoolgirls four hens and a cock to teach them kitchen skills.

2. The University of Swat for penalising boys and girls for sitting or walking together with a fine of Rs50 to Rs5,000 and calling an emergency meeting with their parents.

Defence Housing Authority security for shooting hundreds of dogs. I applaud you for not being able to prevent terrorist attacks and taking out your frustrations on poor unarmed animals instead. Well done.

Jemima Khan as Melania Trump!

Looking forward to more crazy moments in 2017. The world has stepped up its game. We need to follow suit.

Rest in peace, Harambe.

shehzad.ghias

Shehzad Ghias

A graduate from the LUMS Law School and is running his own theatre production company, Cogito Productions.He works as a theatre teacher at various schools. He tweets @Shehzad89 (twitter.com/Shehzad89)

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Keyboard Soldier

    The article started out quite funny but lost its luster towards the end. Overall OK.Recommend

  • ABKhan

    “Most Gay port watching nation” could never be technically correct. Why? Because everyone knows porn is banned in Pakistan, so even if Pakistanis were watching gay porn, they would have to use VPN (educate yourself) and it would have shown the IP of some other country. Recommend