It was entirely my fault

Published: July 3, 2016

The horrifying tale of Jekyll and Hyde, Is enacted in my home every night.

We had fought bitterly,

And now, he is out like a light,

But like countless other times,

When morning comes,

He’ll barely remember the fight,

And how he almost came to blows,

He won’t recall his cursing and yelling.

When it will stop, there is no telling.

 

I know the children were listening,

To the abuses and roars,

Of their drunk father.

Even through closed doors,

It’s getting worse and worse,

But I can’t pry him away,

From the seductive horrors of the bottle,

That coax and lure him,

Into an infinite mindlessness every night.

 

Throwing caution to the wind,

He has become oblivious,

To the financial toll it’s taking,

To the emotional fissures it’s making,

But my agony and suffering,

Is entirely my fault.

 

For marrying a man,

Who had told me,

He was only a ‘social drinker’,

And that he only took an occasional drink,

Or two,

With friends and at parties.

 

Oh, how could I not have known?

That two drinks gradually turn to four,

And four to eight,

Until these daughters of grape create,

Raging, snarling monsters,

Who are not brothers, fathers or husbands,

But unrecognisable imposters.

 

I, too, fight with one everyday,

Begging and pleading him,

To see sense,

But he is no longer a man of intellect or reason,

Education or compassion,

The horrifying tale of Jekyll and Hyde,

Is enacted in my home every night.

 

I tell people ‘he is only a social drinker’,

They give me pitiful looks,

They know,

It’s never a ‘social drinker’,

It’s a raging demon,

Waiting to be unleashed,

And when it breaks its chains,

It devastates everything in its wake.

 

I know now,

That a social drinker,

Is an allusion,

Of a horrifying reality,

I have witnessed this reality,

Yet again,

As I sit there in the dark,

Staring into abysmal nothingness.

 

I know when it is morning light,

He will never remember the fight,

He’ll no longer be Mr Hyde,

But I will not ask help in fighting this demon,

For I am far too dignified,

I have too much grace,

For it was entirely my fault,

For marrying a ‘social drinker’,

In the first place…

aalia.suleman

Aalia Suleman

A freelance writer and poet who is keenly interested in the status of women in 21st century Pakistan. Her writing also zones in on Pakistan's new social and political status on a redefined global chessboard. She has a masters degree in English Literature and blogs and invites debates at 'Socio-politically Pakistani'. She tweets @aaliasuleman (twitter.com/aaliasuleman)

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • kam

    You can’t the put the entire blame on drinking the dude clearly got the issues and who drink that much on daily basis which make them forget everything in the morning? Social drinking is a thing and heaps of people does it he probably lied to you as he’s clearly alcoholic.Recommend

  • MR.X

    oh now im the one responsible . Typical feminist mindset. These things happen and im not supporting it. As you say it”many women are victims”.I disagree, only some women are stuck in this situation and may ALlah help them. Im writing in defence to the innocent men so dont be judgemental my sister. May Allah guide the wrong oneRecommend