8 things I wish I had never heard after being diagnosed with breast cancer

My life just changed forever, there was no warning. Things were okay before but will never be “okay” again.

Sarah Nadeem March 25, 2015
Pakistan has the highest rate of breast cancer among all Asian countries – one in nine Pakistani women will be diagnosed with this horrible disease.

The diagnosis is a shock but the days after that are even harder to endure. I know this as I have lived through it. It has been almost a year since I was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 35, pregnant with my third child.

I want to share here a few things that people said to me after hearing of my diagnosis, which I wish they never did, and I hope that any person going through what I did never has to face.
1. “How did you find out that you have cancer?”

I do not want to walk you step by step through the most horrific time of my life, the moment which defines everything now. I do not want to relive that which is already etched in to my being. As time has passed, I no longer find it that painful to describe the day when I felt the lump, but right after my diagnosis, it is not the time to ask.
2. “How are you (feeling)?”

This question gets old very quickly.

I’m in shock.

I have cancer.

I’m pregnant.

I’m unsure of what will happen to my unborn baby, to me or my kids  how do you think I’m feeling?

I stopped taking calls because I couldn’t face this question over and over again.

What do you want me to say?
“I’m great! I feel like I’m on top of the world!”

3. “It’s going to be okay.”

Really? How do you know?

Where is your crystal ball?

My life just changed forever, without warning. Things were okay before but will never be “okay” again. Cancer affects you forever. You carry that burden with you, always. Whoever walks this road, their life changes forever. You get better and many times you don’t, and there is no return to the life you had before.
4. “So, what is the exact surgery that you’re going for? I did some research online and there are different options, which one did you pick?” 

First of all, are you my physician? If not, then it is none of your business. Secondly, it’s a disease, not a dress. Medical advice online does not make you an expert. I’m struggling, grieving the loss of my health, dreading the surgery and you want me to describe, in detail, what the surgeon will cut and take forever, leaving my body to never be the same? It is already very traumatic for me, I am not sure I am ready to face the post-surgical me, so why is it relevant to you. Why do you want to know the details?
5. “Have you considered alternatives to mainstream medicine, chemotherapy can be pretty harsh, you know.”

No kidding. I know. I’m willing to have toxic poison course through me because I am struggling to save my life and my baby’s. If there is anyone in the world who has researched for what’s best for me, it is me, the person staring at an aggressive form of cancer at a young age. Do you really think Facebook posts about natural cancer cures are credible alternatives to well-studied treatments?
6. “When I heard of your diagnosis, I kept thinking of how young your kids are.” (Followed by sad smile or cluck) 

Is that supposed to make me feel better or help me in anyway?

Every second of every day, I think of my children and the thought that I may not be there to see them grow up.
7. “Prayer and charity helps, it helps ward off ills and has helped me.”

So, are you assuming that I have never helped anyone? That is why “it” hasn’t helped me and I’m facing this?

Don’t preach, don’t judge, especially not now.
8. “There are so many treatments for breast cancer now; it isn’t even considered a disease!”

This one really upset me. I wanted to bring the people who said this with me to the breast cancer centre I went to. Breast cancer is a devastating disease.

Yes, I’m thankful that there has been research and many new treatment regimens are available now, but there are still 521,000 deaths reported annually by the World Health Organisation (WHO), with under-reporting from many countries. You might think you are trying to reassure me but it actually only makes me feel alone, as if no one understands the pain that I am enduring.

I hope it never happens to anyone, but if you hear of your friend, neighbour or family member being diagnosed with breast cancer, just be there for her. Let her know you want to help and please avoid the above.
WRITTEN BY:
Sarah Nadeem An Endocrinologist, breast cancer survivor, married mother of three precious girls. She is originally from Karachi, currently living in Chicago. She tweets @sarah_nadeem (https://twitter.com/sarah_nadeem)
The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necassarily reflect the views and policies of the Express Tribune.

COMMENTS (21)

Raja | 7 years ago | Reply My wife was diagnosed of ovarian cancer and had a hysterectomy done with appendicitis and nodules removed from rectum and secondaries that spread to stomach lining as well as liver. So we are about to go through the agony of Chemo and though I strongly disagree with her undergoing this "toxic poison" given the disastrous survival rates and diminished quality of life and collateral damage to other vital organs. My wife has decided she will try it out no matter what. This long intro is to provide a prospective. She is a very strong, positive and person with immense faith in Allah. We have accepted it as a test of faith and going through the treatment protocol very positively as we understand that the eventual consequence is death and that could have come without this disease and at any age. We have 4 children and 3 of them are in school. People keep asking you questions out of genuine concern and/or out of social courtesy your reaction actually defines your personality. For example a very caring and concerned friend suggested that we might ask our children to visit her. In our Pakistani culture this could mean the time is near and lets prepare for the final rituals. We actually laughed it off and keep referring to her innocent statement and laugh again. Your choice to react negatively or otherwise is always there. Your pain is suffered by you only and people around you can become a support system. Not all of the people that have genuine concern can articulate a question that may not hurt the addressee or sometimes innocent statements can hurt, human beings react differently to similar situations. My final statement. Have faith in Allah and try to do whatever is possible for you to reduce your sufferings. Your life and death and well being of your family particularly children can only be controlled to an extent by you, human limitations crop up very soon.
snadeem | 8 years ago | Reply Adpran, thank you for sharing your story. I wish you and your children strength. You are absolutely correct that unconditional love and support is the best thing you can offer a cancer patient. To those who think they don't need to change how they ask or show their support, I hope you can learn! Just try and imagine yourself in the shoes of a cancer patient, your attitude is exactly the kind a person who is going through this difficult time doesn't need. I completely understand that many of these statements come from a place of love, but at that time, one needs to sometimes think again about what words you choose. All the people who have had a personal experience with cancer understand the torment some words may cause, but those lucky ones who have no connection with cancer continue to judge. I hope that can change, even just a bit. I think maybe I should write a list of what to say instead! :)
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