Pakistan celebrates Anti-Malala Day

Published: November 13, 2014

Mirza Kashif Ali, President of the All Pakistan Private Schools Federation, was the brains behind the anti-Malala day.

An exclusive interview with the brains behind the anti-Malala day.

Two days ago, the All Pakistan Private Schools Federation headed by Mirza Kashif Ali, celebrated ‘I Am Not Malala day’.

It’s said that the association, which represents a network of some 150,000,000 private schools in Pakistan, is planning a ‘Pro-Polio day’ for its next stunt, followed by a ‘Flat Earth day’ in solidarity with the members of the Westboro Baptist Church in the United States.

After chairing a panel consisting of six middle-aged men at the Islamabad Press Club, where not a single woman was present in the audience, Ali told The New York Times,

“We are all for education and women’s empowerment.”

He then picked up his mobile phone and rang his wife, demanding to know how many dishes she had cooked for dinner.

He continued,

“But the West has created this persona who is against the Constitution and Islamic ideology of Pakistan.”

When asked what that Islamic ideology actually was, he consulted his copy of Maulana Maududi’s ‘Muslims and the Present Political Turmoil’ (Volume three), but was unable to answer the question.

When shown Maududi’s quote that the idea of Muslim nationalism was as likely as “a chaste prostitute,” Ali then said that Malala Yousfazai was a supporter of Salman Rushdie, and that was why he opposed her.

“It is clear that Malala has a nexus with Salman Rushdie and is aligned with his club.”

He was asked to identify the name of the club, to which he responded,

“I am not sure, but it is either the Sind Club or the Manchester United Football Club. Both are well known for their anti-Islam, anti-Pakistan content.”

When asked if he had ever read either The Satanic Verses or I Am Malala, he responded in the negative.

“Why should I read books? There is no need to read books. Pakistani students only need to know what happened in the seventh century. And since there were no books at that time, there is certainly no need to expose students in Pakistan to books.”

Responding to a rumour that he did not actually know how to read, he responded angrily,

“That is not true. Of course I know how to read. It’s only girls who should remain illiterate in this day and age.”

He said that he hoped the anti-Malala day would catch on all over Pakistan.

“We hope to make it even bigger and better next year. We’ll hold anti-Malala processions, anti-Malala debates in all the schools, and we will produce a film about why Malala’s message of universal education for children is a Zionist, American plot. I will star in this film as the hero exposing Malala’s evil plot to the world. Salman Rushdie will be approached to play the role of Malala. Malala’s father will be played by a Christina Lamb.”

At this point, Mr Kashif Ali asked to be excused, saying that he had to go celebrate his birthday, otherwise known as ‘Illiterate Fools Day’.

This post originally appeared here.

Disclaimer: This post being satire is for entertainment purposes only.

bina.shah

Bina Shah

Author of A Season For Martyrs. She tweets @BinaShah (twitter.com/BinaShah)

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Reddy

    Ha ha, well done!Recommend

  • Sami

    The post is satire but still kindly change the title of the above article. We should avoid generalizations even when the authors think that catchy headliners will get more ratings internationally. Generalizations of the whole population of around 200 million even in satire is not permissible and stating that whole Pakistan celebrated that day is a gross exaggeration and nothing else.Recommend

  • Aamir-Toronto

    This guy is a piece of art, he should consult his family doctor to make sure that his brain is in working condition !!!Recommend

  • Pakistani

    ET can we have some original articles please? This is a pretty lame copy of NFP’s work (even he is over doing it now with his satire). Bina shah, sorry to pick on you, but if you want to taken seriously, you need to stop copying other people. Recommend

  • Critical

    ‘I’m not Malala Day’ will be followed by
    ‘Kidnap a Hindu girl and convert to Islam’ Day
    ‘Lynch a christian for blasphemy’ Day
    ‘Desecrate an Ahmadi Mosque’ day
    ‘Blame everything on RAW-CIA-Mossad’ Day
    ‘Create a New conspiracy theory’ day
    and many more…..Recommend

  • Black Widow

    I cant understand why the people of tribune are so biased. Why are they so arrogant, stubborn, and intolerant? Whats wrong with celebrating anti mamalala day. A story of a girl running a school in umerkot is a tight slap on mamalala’s face. That girl running a school in umerkot is the real face and pride of pakistan. I cant understand why the writer resorts to name calling and bashing anyone with opposing views? And this place called tribune publishes only the stuff that fits their ugly views.

    Soon every single person working in tribune will be standing before the supreme authority to answer all of their actions and then the real fireworks shall begin.Recommend

  • Maximus Decimus Meridius

    well done. Really well done. I will be honest with you, I thought this was a serious blog when i read the title and came here to make a scathing comment questioning the writers moral compass and his brain cell count, but man oh man, you have made me laugh so hard. Brilliant writing. I wish there were a thousand other writers like you in Pakistan. Again i would like to say, well done.Recommend

  • Working Woman

    who does this post satisfy? Reveals an air of helplessness though…

    can’t do anything, so go satire & entertaining…

    well , Whatever saves your soulRecommend

  • hassan zia

    Being Anti Malalala does not mean Anti “Education for women”
    Instead of being sarcastic and de-grading to 1.5 crore school representatives , atleast you could have listened to their point of viewRecommend

  • Zafar Z. S.

    But…..aren’t satires supposed to be funny?Recommend

  • Naqvi

    A failed attempt to emulate NFP.Recommend

  • ak

    SO someone doing a better work trivialises the work done by former..
    What kind of logic is that..those guys who are protesting havent done an iota of work for society..You guys will never progress as society..will remain in dumps..meas seriously..how blind one can be
    Malal was just 14 years of age..what else she would have done..can u please look yourself in the mirror..do u guys even deserve to say a single word againt her..

    Please send her to India…Educated and wise people anyways dont ahve any rights to live in Pak..

    I shudder to think of the future of Pak…dint hear any I am against Tallibaan/Islasim/Mumtaj Qadree/Forced conversion day..but surely u guys hhave audacity to protest against a 17 yr old fighter..Even Allah cant bless u guysRecommend

  • ak

    What is their point of view againb? A bunch of illiterate hypocrites think a 17 years girl is a grave danger for them..
    Ridiculuos..The gal fought againt all adversaties, is a pious muslim, never praised rushdie..still u ….I seriously give up on PakistanRecommend

  • Parvez

    I’m still laughing…….and a small tear escaped from the side of my left eye….because you were so spot on right.Recommend

  • Naqib Zaib Kakar

    In this so called state people use the common and socially favorable propaganda to get the attentions these NGO type religious organizations do the same. Especially organizations run by JI. Any liberal activity is badly condemned in this so called state coz of the mind set build up by the ZIA and Company. And who is behind the curtain of Pakistani media I think this question doesn’t need any explanation!!!!!
    Recommend

  • vasan

    Sorry friend, “I am not Malala day” just happened once. But the other events you have mentioned happen everyday in Pakistan. So they must be celebrating all these everyday ?Recommend

  • Alyna

    ^Relax! No need to curse people for their views. Ever heard about Freedom of Expression? You think malala has done much for the nation? that’s your opinion. Don’t bash people for disagreeing to your thoughts.Recommend

  • Gulwant Singh Bedi.

    First of all the author is a woman. Did you notice? ‘…his brain cell count’
    Then..’i will be honest with you’ you mean rest of the time you are not
    honest? Only some of the time?Recommend

  • vinsin

    What have you done for your nation? She got noble so that you can and your nation can be proud.Recommend

  • Maximus Decimus Meridius

    I was referring generally and before I read the article I did not know who wrote it. Secondly the term “I’ll be honest with you” is not used literally it is a figure of speech.
    As this is an English newspaper I assumed that everyone knew English. My apologies.Recommend

  • siesmann

    What a sorry country where education institutions vilify somebody who stood for education.I thought only madrassas produce terrorists.Private schools don’t want to be left behind in producing Jihadis.Recommend

  • Zee

    WoW! What did I read! bashing some one because s/he doesn’t bow to your opinion. Ever heard freedom of expression or you need a blog as bad as yours to find out what it is!

    ET, your standard is getting lower day by day or may be any thing fits to your views will get space regardless of its quality, content etc.

    ET mods, pl get this thru.Recommend

  • Reddy

    Aren’t you and the person who you are trying to defend doing the same? The blogger has every right to question the people who do silly / stupid things like “Anti Malala Day”. People like you question and oppose sane people like the blogger but scared to death to speak up against the people who burn others alive or implicate other in to false charges etc.Recommend

  • Shahbaz Asif Tahir

    Liberal secular, bigoted non sense. Recommend

  • Arsha

    Why is that a slap on malala’s face? Doesn’t Malala support education of women? Doesn’t Malala support courage for women?
    And what has she done that is so wrong that the enlightened people are commemorating a day against her? If someone feels she did not deserve the attention or awards given to her then why hate her for it? Did she force that attention on herself? How can you hate a little girl when she hasn’t done any harm?Recommend

  • Arsha

    But aren’t people bashing Malala for….. ummm for what exactly? But that is ok?Recommend

  • siesmann

    well these anti-Malala people don’t honor her or Rushdie’s “freedom of Expression.”Instead they vilify them and issue fatwas against them.Recommend

  • LH

    It takes a particular stroke of irony for schools to be celebrating an anti-Malala dayRecommend

  • siesmann

    And they are teachers too,who need to open the minds of students. Bright future for Pakistan?!!!!!!1Recommend

  • India

    Malala you are my hero, you always welcome to India… May Peace upon you…Recommend

  • mansoor khan

    i think v r mixing 2 issues here. Most people in pakistan r not against Malala bcz she is making efforts for women empowerment and education. Its obviously commendable. However its mostly bcz Malalas achievements just dont add up to receive the kind of recognition and honour she is being bestowed upon. In other words many people feel that there are much more deserving people than Malala for e.g Abdus Sattar Edhi who should be awarded the nobel prize..Also hundreds of other girls have fallen victim of Talibans and other extremists and thousands have lost their lives while persuing the studies in Swat and KPK region. Then why is it that Malala was picked up by western world and the hype went leaps and bounds within no time with US, Canada and UK offering their citizenships to her and countrys presidents coming to meet her. So this is actually the point which is creating skepticism in general public.Recommend

  • Zee

    All those indians defending Malala should have spewed the venom against her had she mentioned / defended the Kashmir and minorities condition in India.

    Only in last week, two innocent Kashimiri Muslims killed by Indian Army and then Indians trolls don’t get ashamed to lecture Pakistanis.
    Recommend

  • Parvez

    There is a difference between someone like the author expressing an opinion and those opposing it. The author and others like her will express their opinion, smile and not force you to accept it……..while those opposing her express their views and if not accepted they can put a bullet in your head. As for them smiling……its forbidden, is it not ?Recommend

  • Arsha

    Still don’t understand what has she specifically done that made people turn against her? Did she go looking for publicity? Did she ask for the attention? So let’s assume the western world decided to use her as a case example, how does that put her down or make her less in our eyes? What harm has been done by her?Recommend

  • koshur_batta

    get some brains, if that guy is entitled to freedom of expression, then so is she. Speaking of which, let’s see how far your freedom of expression goes when someone desecrates your holy scriptures.Recommend

  • Jyoti

    Look whoe Talking about innocents being killed!!!!!!!!Recommend

  • OR

    I cant believe this . All Pakistan Private Schools Federation’s head cannot give this statement ; “That is not true. Of course I know how to read. It’s only girls who should remain illiterate in this day and age.”Recommend

  • Zoya Mir

    “You mean the rest of the time you are not being honest? Only some of the time?” *scoffs* C’mon, man. It’s a figure of speech!Recommend