Mother's Day: Why can't I meet my children?

Even a sick-minded killer, abuser or addict has a right to meet his children under supervision but I can't see mine?

Shazia Mirza May 11, 2014
They won’t let me see my kids. Failing at marriage is an excruciating affair, but not a punishable crime. So why do we witness so many families suffering endlessly when there are four guardian courts working in Lahore alone?

Is it the workload, absence of supporting law or mere lack of implementation that keeps a child from meeting one of the parents?

None of the people I meet understand why I cannot see my kids. Even a sick-minded killer, an abuser or an addict has a right to meet his children under supervision. The law governing custody issues does need amendments, but it’s the interpretation and practice of that law that is truly senseless.

I, as a standard custody litigant, approached the court to complain that I was denied access to my children by my former husband. The respected judge, seeing the children as no different from lifeless objects, ordered that the possessing party may keep them for the time being.

The speedy disposal of cases brought me down to this court, which is supposedly considered the “guardian” of children. However, for the past five years, my visits have been denied repeatedly under my ex’s ‘interim’ custody and the court doesn’t seem to mind that at all. The ratio of my actual contact with my biological children is, till today, roughly 0.5% of the total time.

After missing out the 99.5% time of my 11 years away from my daughter and son, what bothers me more than the custody itself is the whole idea of the mala fide visitation sentence (MVS). Please help me understand how being raised by one parent is a ‘welfare to the minor’ when the other parent is dying to meet the child? Why is this idea being shoved down our throats?

The standard MVS for a non-custodial parent and child is two hours a month, though this varies from case to case. Violation of the MVS from the non-custodial side may be considered a grave offense; however, if the custodial parent does the same, he/she just gets a hard slap on the wrist.

When you meet your child after a month, you want to live those two hours with them to the fullest. However, during that short time, while you are having a one-sided conversation with the estranged child, you are torn between what human instinct directs you to do against what the judge has dictated. It kills you to watch the child suffer and you seriously consider not seeing them again to end their misery. That is the precise point the poor brain, failing to handle it all, goes numb. To an onlooker, you look aloof and indifferent to the situation. True; you really see no point in living anymore!

What does meeting your own child after a few months feel like?

Same as the very first time you held them after a long labour. Your hungry senses absorb every detail; shape of the nails, colour of their hair, the way they move or gaze at you, how they bite at their cookie, how soft or warm or textured their skin feels and much more. The visual images cling to your mind till the next meeting takes place.

Like many non-custodians, it happened twice that my meeting with my child was delayed; at times, it would take place after 12000 hours (500 days). And when I do meet my children after so long, they seem like completely different people.

When I met her after a long break, my daughter was so much prettier and taller than the image I had in my head. I was awe struck to see that truly poised young woman who, till our last meeting, used to sit in my lap. Sadly, though, her lip gloss and kajal (eye-liner) made my heart mourn at the loss of the time lapsed.

In those few minutes, from not knowing which grade my son was in to hearing the news that he had scored 14 A’s in his O’ levels, I felt a thousand heavy trucks hitting me one by one. My analogies may be crazy but forgive me; I am a scarred being, trying so hard to act graciously around a freshly-shaven, Axe-smelling young man, my son, who is now a foot taller than me.

Non-custodial parents are not offenders or criminals. If going to court for justice as law abiding citizens when all else fails is a crime, then we pray for some leniency, Your Lordship.
WRITTEN BY:
Shazia Mirza Head of the Ceramics Design Department, NCA, a Fulbright Scholar and a manager of My Foundation,an NGO fighting for the rights of children separated from their non custodial parents.
The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necassarily reflect the views and policies of the Express Tribune.

COMMENTS (28)

Pasha | 9 years ago | Reply May be you'll like to enlighten us all about your practical experience with Guardian Courts that you found 100% effective, because I seriously doubt you've ever been to a Guardian court yourself. And would you mind telling us the aims and objectives of My Foundation, just so we know your claim about 'My Foundation' is based on some insight. Again, I'm pretty sure you are clueless about what My Foundation has set out to achieve, and what it has already achieved. Tough mate, people are a lot more educated and discerning to believe unsubstantiated claims like the ones you are making :-)
Muhammad Huzaif | 5 years ago I am going through the same situation. My wife took my son from Oman to Pakistan and blocked all contacts with me. In just few days, I got notices from court and even after all efforts for reconciliation, she got a decree for Khula from the court based on false allegations. Its been 8 months that I last saw my child and I feel that the guardian courts are completely biased. I can feel the anxiety and distress of not seeing my son. But my spouse is so obsessed with vengeance that she will try to her fullest to not allow me seeing my son. She has not given me a single chance to talk to her and convince her. This is the worst way, a human can behave with another human. Sometimes, I feel that I should also go and snatch my child from her. Thats a gruesome crime. Now that I have filed for visitation rights, I feel it will take months to start to just get a court order for visitation.
Pasha | 9 years ago | Reply Mohtarram, very politely & with no offence, you are mistaking the current precedence being followed by our courts as 'Joint Custody'. Joint Custody is a term we use when both parents get a reasonably equal time with their children. However, what our courts practice and what the writer of this article is suffering from is 'Sole Custody'. This sole custody law was made by the British in 1890 and both India, Pakistan and later on, Bangladesh, inherited it. India & Bangladesh however have been efficient enough to follow the rest of the civilized world and change their laws from sole custody to joint custody. Pakistan as usual is still following the 124 year old sole custody law. I hope that clears your misconception about Joint & sole custody. I totally agree with all the rest that you are saying except for the following part: "God forbid it was also possible that while you got the visitation but the kids would be so unbalanced mentally they could not have achieved anything in life" This is why I presented psychological statistics. A child from a broken home in fact needs both his parents even more because he's already suffering the trauma of their separation. Our courts on the other hand totally isolate him from one parent by granting custody to the other (Sole Custody), which I feel is not only shameful but a violation of basic human rights of both the parent and the child. As for personally visiting lower courts, I've spent two years visiting my son in those pathetic visiting areas, and yes for those two miserable hours every month. For the past 7 years, I'm at that awful place at least once a week for the sake of my son while these judges and lawyers deal with our children as if they weren't human but a piece of property. So trust me, I know more reality of these lower courts than anyone would care to listen :-)
NaughtyCaller | 9 years ago Sir I am really sorry to hear about your personal experience. May ALLAH ALMIGHTY bless you with courage to withstand this situation and may your children become the pleasure of your eyes
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