My nominees for caretaker prime minister are…

Published: March 17, 2013

I’d first like to congratulate my fellow Pakistanis on having managed their lives without reliable electricity, inflation, joblessness and most importantly for staying alive. DESIGN: ERUM SHAIKH

As I throw in my 2000 rupees worth (because two cents just doesn’t cut it anymore) into the ring about who should be the caretaker prime minister, I’d first like to congratulate my fellow Pakistanis on having managed their lives with unreliable electricity, inflation, and joblessness.

Like a long fasting day in the summer heat during which we thought we won’t make it, iftar time is finally here and perhaps after the elections we may celebrate Eid. But in that midst, we must decide who our Eid ka chand will be.

For the two non-Muslim Pakistanis remaining in the country and the several Jewish media agents reading my piece during their routine spying on us Pakistanis, I refer to the caretaker prime minister nomination and election.

After much careful thought, I decided to order Fat Burger. Sitting overseas, it makes me feel closer to my countrymen who also have a branch there to dine at. It was while munching on the fries that I thought about who should have been on the nomination list. I narrowed down my list as below:

Mohsin Khan:

Under his coaching (interim role ahem ahem),Pakistan managed to win three Test series including one against the number one Test country (at that time) – our old rulers, the ‘Great Beaten’, I mean Britain. Even at the age of 50 he has managed to hold on to his good looks and charismatic personality. Of course those aspects aren’t of any real use to the prime minister role but when did we ever elect prime ministers on the basis of having any kind of skill set?

The downside is that just as the country will start doing well, he’ll be replaced. It might also be a problem for PTI supporters whose prayers over the last five years of an ex-cricketer named Khan becoming prime minister would be wasted on the wrong one.

Our Cricket Team: 

All of them; they work great together… in short formats. The shorter the better! Their concentration won’t last beyond the ‘20’ days of governance.

The possible downside is that there might be a sudden shift in the election results at the last minute if the caretaker government decides to ‘match fix’(old habits die hard).

Veena Malik: 

We’ve just been beaten by India on gender equality and even though we sit at a lowly ‘123’ in the world, we would be patting ourselves on the back and continuing the charade of giving women more freedom. I’d say our rankings were propelled by Veena Malik whose daring acts and outspoken nature in this chauvinistic society must have fooled the UN compilers of this data. I personally admire her and would love to see all the excitement around her leading the nation. She could host a prayer show on TV in which we are all asked for pardoning of our sins lest the current government returns.

In the evenings she would distract us all from our hard lives by hosting a kiss the prime minister night which would be a first in the world. Take that Punjab government and your obsession with world records.

Finally, her English would confuse any foreign government or internal terrorists about what she is trying to stay and she would be able to get away with all her demands.

Viva Pakistan! 

Tariq Aziz: 

Yes, the Tariq Aziz of Neelam Ghar. In the brief period of the interim government, this could be absolutely brilliant. Our previous governments have constantly sold off our country for their own gains and sold off valuable assets (Gwadar port, etc). Why not turn it into a fun and transparent event?

Tariq could host it on television and have large mass participation and corporate sponsorship. We can invite people from all over the world and have a carnival with this one. With everything valuable gone, the incoming government won’t be able to loot us any further either.

Agha Waqar Khan:

This hero who got us in the news all over the world deserves a nomination. Maybe we could get him linked to a Gulf investor and together they could announce their plan to invest billions to build the biggest water run car in the world in Karachi.

The downside could be that no one might be able to locate our nominee as he tends to disappear.

I would vote for him though.

Just kitting.

Mathira:

She’s just like our government – we criticise their work continuously and yet continue to vote them in and keep them on ‘air’. She’s like our awaam – poorly clad. She is Pakistan.

The morning show where callers get to talk to the prime minister would be so much fun as she coyly avoids any real questions. Every disastrous move by the government could be side-lined at the drop off a top. I do think it might boost our tourism industry as people would be fooled into thinking Pakistan is an open, liberated society.

The downside?

People might vote her in permanently.

Imran Khan:

Since he’s promised to get everything fixed in 90 days

PHOTOS: ONLINE PUBLICITY

Read more by Salman here

salman.qureshi

Salman Qureshi

A Masters graduate in International Business from the University of Wollongong Dubai. He is a standup and Improv comedian based in Dubai with an intense interest in reviving and supporting arts in Pakistan. He blogs at: salmanzq.blogspot.com/

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Ch. Allah Daad

    My choice is Imran Khan. Its impossible for him to win enough seats and become elected prime ministerRecommend

  • kHaN

    Interesting list of nominees. Mathira, actually, has every bit of the ‘raw materiel’ required for being the caretaker PM of Pakistan.Recommend

  • SarcasticBilla

    “It might also be a problem for PTI supporters whose prayers over the last five years of an ex-cricketer named Khan becoming prime minister would be wasted on the wrong one.”

    Your article would still have been as useless as it is right now if you did not mention this specific part about PTI supporters.

    Why is it that ET bloggers are so obsessed with ridiculing PTI supporters? Its like going through a sentence that says “The universe is constantly expanding, insert PTI supporters insult statement here” You just cannot write a piece without mentioning them.

    and yeah, mention Imran Khan to get the maximum attention from readers who otherwise would not have bothered to go past the first paragraph of this article. Recommend

  • Faisal Usman Malik

    Sir you are under estimating Great Imran khan, he is actually can fix many thing in Interim Government period as Prime Minister of Pakistan, but I think present Federal & Province Governments will not allow to do so. Because they know this short period must open the eyes of sleeping & innocent Nation of Pakistan and they would through out the garbage from the parliament and world will see capable and honest personals in parliament of Pakistan and once again Pakistan gain freedom from so called politician…Recommend

  • http://syedaabidabokhari.wordpress.com The Only Normal Person Here.

    hahahahah Iman Khan’s was spontaneously. Good read.Recommend

  • Fahad Raza

    Tariq Aziz would be a great choice his style of salaam would make speeches worth listening to.
    Pakistaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.. Zindabaaaaaaaaaaad…!!!!Recommend

  • Imran Khan

    I appreciate the use of my name for no reason here whatsoever, except to get more hits. But I am a generous person. Use away.Recommend

  • uzma

    I support you on one point: the list of nominees is far better as compared to the present Prime Minister….. The Raja of load shedding who has done nothing for the country except false promises & making us a fool.He is far less entertaining as compared to Mathira and Veena, far more jarring to the ears… (Tariq Aziz fades in front of him) , has no miracles to show ,let alone run a vehicle on water. He needs to be trained by very handsome Mohsin Khan about how to make himself more presentable.
    Even Green shirts are loved by many( Loved by all when they beat Indians)

    Then The Great Imran Khan.… I might not support his political wisdom but I am a big fan of his honesty & sincerity.He supersedes many politicians on this point let alone the current liars in power.Recommend

  • Ayesha Nigam

    You always crack me up Salman. I wish the cracked readers would sometimes just get the humour :)Recommend

  • Parvez

    Either Veena or Mathira because our biggest problem is religious extremism and with either of these two the LeJ,JuD,HuG,BuG,JI,JUI,JJ,AL etc, etc would throw their arms up and grudgingly admit defeat ( in private they would willingly do so ).Recommend

  • faisal

    @Parvez: i prefer Veena coz she is true,bold & innocent my nominee is veena malik for care taker P.M of PakistanRecommend

  • trouble

    All capable of more than current government. Funny but true sirRecommend

  • Parvez

    @faisal: I agree…………….now how do we make this happen ?Recommend

  • Human

    No Imran Khan Please

    Yes to Veena Malik

    :)Recommend

  • Ayesha

    Make Dr. Adil Najam the caretaker PM. No, I am not joking.Recommend

  • HH

    Mathira for PM…
    I’ll give her not one but two votes man!!!!!! Recommend

  • http://web Abdul

    Our National Hero, Dr Abdul Qadeer Khan must assume as caretaker PM…..Recommend

  • zk

    I nominate ‘Azizi’ from hasbe hal. Recommend

  • sazish

    what about foriegn coach?Recommend

  • Historian 1

    if i am not wrong zardari will stay as president during care taker set up and in such a case no mai ka laal can do anything good for my country. PeriodRecommend

  • Parvez

    @Historian 1: …………but with Veena or Mathira as caretaker PM’s just think of the possibilities, at worst we’ll all die happy …….mind boggling is it not ??Recommend

  • http://vocativ.com VocativNYC

    @Ch. Allah Daad:

    Why do you think that he would be make a good Prime Minister? Read this and let me know: http://voc.tv/WKkgagRecommend

  • jamaluddin

    As usual, people crying just because imran khan was made fun of. It was a funny joke and you guys will continue crying about this stuffRecommend

  • allTK

    ahahha thanks for a light piece. made my day writerRecommend

  • Hassan

    The piece is another attack on Imran Khan as usual the policy of ET.Recommend

  • Sane

    I wish Musarrat Shaheen be the caretaker prime minister. I also wish her to defeat Maulana Fazlur Rahman.Recommend

  • Junaid Akram

    Haha good one Salman. Mohsin Hasan Khan restores the faith in me to find a woman who would love me, if there were 3 women who loved him.Recommend