An open letter to Prince Harry

Published: August 25, 2012

No matter how big, one news piece cannot stay in the headlines for more than a month. PHOTO: AFP

Dear Prince Harry,

I saw you naked. You have put yourself in deep trouble and I am sure your grandmother will be very angry about this incident.

When the media asked your family about its reaction to the pictures, your family decided to remain silent. My sincere advice to you is that not giving a statement is the wrong way to handle the media. I am experienced in dealing with many controversies and would like to share my experience in dealing with the media.

This is a step-by-step, four-week plan to be implemented anytime you are in such trouble.

Your first statement to the media should be that the pictures are not yours. It doesn’t matter what question the media asks; you must repeat this denial statement for a week. During the second week, you should state that the pictures are fake and computer generated. This will divert the media’s attention towards finding out the veracity of the pictures instead of talking about your activities and character.

Next, you must blame some hidden forces that are working against you and your honourable family. Without taking names, you can hint towards the judiciary and the army.

Continue this for the entire third week.

Finally, in the fourth week, democracy will help you!

Yes, in the last week, give a final categorical statement that this is all a conspiracy against democracy and will not be successful.

No matter how big, one news piece cannot stay in the headlines for more than a month. The media will find something juicier and people will eventually forget about your news. If the matter becomes complicated and you need to give some other statement, you can always say that the pictures are yours but the context in which they are being taken is not correct.

I am also forwarding you the phone numbers of our celebrities, Meera and Veena Malik, who are experienced in these matters and are willing to help you. Our cricket umpire Asad Rauf may also be contacted as he has dealt with a similar situation recently.

With this plan, you will be able to better tackle the media in the future.

Regards,

One of the Gilanis

P.S. Can you please ask those girls to make fraandship with me?

Read more by Ovais here. 

Ovais.Ahmed

Ovais Ahmed Mangalwala

A producer for Express News.

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Pity Paki Liberals

    LMAO! I’m sorry mate nobody cares what you saidRecommend