Which Taraweeh character are you?

Published: August 13, 2012

At Taraweehs you will meet the holier-than thou, the child beater, the gas machine and so many more. DESIGN: ERUM SHAIKH

We are in the last week of the blessed month of Ramazan. All Muslims are usually sugar, spice and everything nice during this month and you can see this at masjids, iftars, Islamic talks and oh yes, let’s not forget at Taraweehs.

As I read the article Taraweeh Superstars” by Hamzah Moin, it reminded me of the characters in the masjids of Pakistan. I’d like to share some of them here and don’t hesitate in telling me how many of them you’ve found in your masjid!

The speedy Gonzalez:

My first Taraweeh in Pakistan was with one of these Imams. I won’t lie but I was the kid who would miss the Qiyaam and run to catch the Rukooh. However, over here the ‘Speedy Gonzalez’ had me stumped; he rushed through the Rukooh before I had even made my move! And as Hamzah Moin hilariously points out,

‘It’s hard to be in a prayer with a Speed Reader because your nose keeps bleeding due to constant change of altitudes. Rukooh. Standing. Rukooh. Standing. Rukooh. Standing. All under a minute. It’s also hard because it doesn’t really sound like the Qur’an. It’s as if the Imam is just humming and doing aerobics. After 20 rakats you notice your gut has disappeared and have a sizzling six-pack.’

Exactly my point.

Uncle Hitler:

This is the uncle who will be found sitting at the back, beating up noisy and problematic kids, with the help of Mr Spank or Mr Danda. However, what never ceases to amuse me is the fact that Uncle Hitler won’t pray even after the children have been calmed down! Maybe he comes to the mosque simply to let go of some of the anger he has been holding on to.

The walking weapon of mass destruction:

Oh man, where should I start? This guy has eaten three lions for iftaar – no kidding! He has had dinner – either biryani or haleem - with lots of onions and garlic and has decided that the proper time to let all the gas out is during Taraweeh.

The people around him usually have burnt nostril hair and watery eyes. I wonder if the US is actually looking for this man as he definitely has some weapons of mass destruction in his belly.

Maybe he should be deployed to the tribal belt – it would definitely save us on ammunition cost

The so called religion master:

This guy probably has no knowledge of Islam whatsoever but when it comes to correcting your prayers using random sources, he is your man! I don’t know which dark corner he picks to watch you pray, but while you are happily pleasing Allah (SWT), this guy will find every opportunity to hiss at you calling on you to repeat your prayers because you ‘did it wrong’. Apparently, your Islamic education is not authentic and he has taken on the very noble task to guide your poor misguided soul.

Mr Hulk:

This guy usually walks in with a frown on his face, glaring at the world around him with bloodshot eyes. Perhaps it is because he did not want to come for Taraweeh but was forced to do so by his mum/wife? Or maybe he stubbed his toe on the way in? Or could it be that he filled his lota with hot water while doing  wuzu (ablution)?

I’m really not sure what the reason behind his demeanour is, but what I do know is that he is angry – very angry. He is definitely not one to make small talk with. Stay clear away from him!

These are just the few people I have met at Taraweehs who I am able to recall. If anyone can add to this cast, please do leave a comment and add your favourite member to the list!

Follow Adil on Twitter @icekold_adil

Mohammad Adil Islam

Mohammad Adil Islam

A satirist and first year medical student at Rashid Latif Medical College who used to be a cricketer for Saudi Arabia and played a List A match for Lahore. He has no wisdom teeth and enjoys writing about politics and cricket. He tweets @icekold_adil

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Muds

    Hey bro,
    Nice article. The character UNCLE HITLER has been rightly explained. Now that you say he is busy chasing out the mischievous kids, even I wonder when does he pray. LOLRecommend

  • American
  • https://twitter.com/pugnate Noman Ansari

    Is it just me or does the writer look like a young Salman Butt? Recommend

  • Umayr

    I’ve always encountered someone who keeps yawning and keeps exerting great effort every time they go from rukooh to sajda and vice versa, as if they’re doing a great favor to the whole world by praying in such pain.

    Oh not to forget uncle pendulums – they keep swinging from front to back (probably to keep themselves awake since chances are they’re not understanding a single word of whats being recited, like most)…they get me all dizzy if I’m standing next to one.

    And last but certainly not the least, the ‘crack peaks’! All I’m gonna say is: its probably not the best idea to wear low bottoms or gravity loving jeans with short tees to the mosque. Its most unbecoming and those poor spectators really don’t know how to best address this issue decently. Recommend

  • ASD

    The best one are those who leave homes saying that they are going for a taraweeh and ends up at the next general store…lolRecommend

  • Big Rizvi

    You forgot some:

    The ninja turtle: She is the moral police, no doubt. Clad in a black burka, she is quick to pass a judgement on anything that comes her way. Be it dress or even your way of prayer. Despite the fact that it is illegal in our Muslim brother country “Saudi Arabia”, she drives a coure or a Mehran or something. But after Ramazan/outside the mosque she is always discussing jewelery or the latest burka fashion.

    Junior Jihadi: This kid is below 13, not even a day passes without him bashing America, India and Isreal using foul language (hey, that’s unIslamic, no?). Prays five times a day, fasts without fail and never forgets to shame someone who doesn’t. He also attends religious and anti-American processions at times when he should be attending school, avoid this fella at all costs.

    Disco Molvi: Religious on the outside, all party on the inside. Frankly, this guy knows how to roll in a country like Pakistan, where people are judged by thier brand of Religon. His ‘liberal’ side is reserved for the fun loving crowd and the youth, but his religious side is for fooling the moral/religous policing group of people. If you can only gain access to the type of person he really is, he’ll be a really fun guy to hang out with and laugh with… Or to laugh at. Recommend

  • http://www.gloriouscars.webs.com the sUltan!

    LOL :D yeah!
    This happens every time. hey you missed the ‘cellular being’ the ones who are sitting near you back under the reach of fan, and busy in texting and surfing!Recommend

  • Hana

    I have first hand experience of The so called religion master: The guy after I finished my namaz tells me that I am supposed to bang my knees on floor before my hands touch the floor for sajda. Well I am sure with that kind of banging my knee cap would definitely crack in a few prayers and I can then have loads of sawab after-life :-S Recommend

  • Usman Shahid

    Islam has become the topic of jokes all over ET. People don’t have any topic for blogs except making fun of Islam. They don’t even leave namazies. Recommend

  • Faraz

    The walking weapon of mass destruction — Haha..
    Have you ever noticed another kind of guys who come to masjid for starting 3 days only with their religious passion coming form a high to bottom. This kind has a special passion for these days. They will come even before regular namazis, cover the front rows and the most funny thing is the stare they give to regular namazis as to reveal ‘You’ve also come.. how could it be?? I’ve never seen you oin the masjid before.’ :)Recommend

  • http://perceptionandintegrity.wordpress.com obaid ur Rehman

    Great Way to express the reality- The Weapon you stated is really a massssss destruction. Almost everybody had experiences this…… Allah Bachaiiiiiiiii Aisay Logo Say hhahahahahahhRecommend

  • T

    Hilarious :DRecommend

  • sajid

    @Usman Shahid
    If people like this actually exist then what can we do about it? Recommend

  • http://www.snapbackau.com/neff-baboom-black-snapback-hat-021-adjustable-p-2291.html snapback australia

    Hello. remarkable job. I did not expect this. This is a impressive story. Thanks!Recommend

  • sherry

    @author
    ” This guy probably has no knowledge of Islam whatsoever but when it comes to correcting your prayers using random sources, he is your man! I don’t know which dark corner he picks to watch you pray, but while you are happily pleasing Allah (SWT), this guy will find every opportunity to hiss at you calling on you to repeat your prayers because you ‘did it wrong”

    probably you were trying to introduce yourself,
    ????????????????Recommend

  • http://GrandCayman Doosam

    what’s the point of Tarawee anyway in Pakistan? It is meant to be for Arabs only as no one in Pakistan even understands a word of the Arabic Quran that the Maulana recites I guess it is a ritual just for sake of accumulating ‘Sawab’ by standing in lines behind the Maulana. On the other hand it does have the potential to serve an important social purpose and that is of creating a sense of community or togetherness by bringing neighbours, family members, acquaintances at a place just like Namaz. Recommend

  • Naeem Siddiqui

    @Usman Shahid

    I did not find author is joking about Islam anywhere in his article, he is just pointing out the bad attitude of so-called ‘namazis’ in taraweeh. if corrected it will certainly create a much better environment for taraweeh.Recommend

  • AD

    hahah hillarious

    nice one Recommend

  • Waqas

    So, Mr. Author, what is the correct way of praying. please enlighten us with that too.Recommend

  • Faisal

    @Muds: I love “Uncle Hitler”!!! As soon as I read that I recalled last night’s incident when uncle was bamboozling kids with his long stick :)Recommend

  • umer

    @Usman Shahid

    People here attack the “wrongs” in muslim or muslim society, seldom i have seen somebody criticizing Islam per say.

    All that the author pointed out is so true we’ve all faced it one way or the another.

    @ Big Rizvi

    True that. LolRecommend

  • http://www.awamipolitics.com/ azhar

    don;t make fun of taraweeh…Recommend

  • Aliee

    Oh did you forget the ones who are so eager to say “Subhana rabbiyal Aala” in sajdah with a little louder voice so everybody else can hear them?!? and infact every Allah o Akbar and in rukoo as well! Recommend

  • Sunflower

    nice article, da near by masjid i go, he recite prayer like a bullet speed all we we do is catch up his words and den da lonest dua in the end,,,, Recommend

  • Ehte

    not so funny, one or two points are ok, but what if , the kids having fun in mosque and the Uncle also joins them and says OMFG, LMFAO thats hilarious. etc etc.
    and i wonder if Liberal means unIslamic these days, stupidity.Recommend

  • imran

    to my surprise there is no mention of millions of Namazis around the world who offer taraweeh with full faith and dedication and with there best possible efforts ,i had seen people crying in taraweeh and dua .so stop making jokes and fun of Islam .
    thanks Recommend

  • Abdul Haseeb

    Chill out people. Please don’t make it about making fun of Islam. It is a good use of humor to describe actual problems in our society. It should be taken that way and nothing more. Good job done by the author.Recommend

  • Torque

    So sad to read the article.
    Is this the topic to make fun of?????
    Judgment day is not so far I hope.Recommend

  • Torque

    Why ET is publishing such rubbish articles I am not able to figure out.Recommend