If you can’t marry, don’t date

Published: August 27, 2012

We often fall in love without thinking much about our differences that may result in a sad ending. PHOTO: AFP

Not all love stories have a happy ending, nor can any of us foresee the fate of our love. Ye, I believe that sometimes the actors of the love story are not entirely committed to the beautiful end at all – they have no desire to get married but are just in the relationship to have a good time.

We often fall in love without thinking much about our differences that may result in a sad ending. To me that is perfectly normal, because no one plans to fall in love and it just happens. While the couple may take all the possible steps to ensure that their differences can be worked out (for example family, social status, religion) it does not always end up in success and, well, that is what life is all about.

So when I see individuals struggling to persuade their loved ones to accept their preferences for a life partner, I feel sympathetic for them.

However, I also come across couples where one of them is in the relationship for “passing the time”, as they call it. Now this attitude is something I take serious offence to.

Some people are raised in families where inter-family marriage is considered more of a mandate than a norm. So when boys and girls are brought up within these families, they have a fair idea that they are going to eventually marry their cousin or a close relative. Most of them also usually don’t have any inclination towards breaking away from this tradition and they respect it.

Having said as much, some of these young boys and girls, frustrated by their forthcoming arranged marriages, tend to use their pre-marriage time to experience falling in love, by orchestrating a “falling in love” episode for themselves. The sad part, however, is that there is always an innocent party that has no idea that they are being used and are destined to be ‘dumped’ on usually the following pretexts:

Ami nahin maani.”

(My mom did not agree).

Meri behan ko talaq ho jayeigi agar mainey khandan mein shadi nahin ki.”

(My sister will get divorced if I don’t marry in the family.)

Tum humaray zaat ki nahin ho.”

(You are not from our cast.)

Now let me tell you that these excuses are often prepared way in advance to be used once the time is right. They are like a packet of instant noodles that will be quickly cooked and served to you just as needed.

Doesn’t this complete disregard for the other partner’s feelings seem nothing short of cruelty?

I have also come across people who believe that they are doing nothing wrong, because the opposite party knows very well that it is not going to work out, and so they are equally responsible for their fate. Well, I beg to differ here. Nobody wants a bad ending to their love story. Often it is the naive girls who keep on thinking that a miracle will happen if they keep hanging on to their relationship. Miracles might happen if the desire to get married is authentic on both sides, but I guess they don’t realise that the key ingredient – that is the will of the other -is often missing for the miracle to happen.

So here is my request to everyone out there who is in a relationship just ‘to pass the time’; please have some mercy on your willing partner. If you do not have the guts to convince your family to allow you a choice for a life partner, do not punish someone else for it. Be honest with your boy/girlfriend and don’t assume that they have the same motives as you to be in this sham of a relationship.

Read more by Nadia here.

Nadia.Rizwan

Nadia Rizwan

The author is currently pursuing her PhD in Marketing and is a Lecturer at an Australian University.

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Ayesha Ahmad

    Thanks for speaking my mind! One of my very close friends just broke up with her boyfriend after a good 5-year-old relationship just because the dude’s family had already selected a girl for him and would have kicked him out of the house if he wouldn’t have given in. My friend took a wise decision and decided to abandon the loser, who was readily willing to marry the other girl, for good. I often see her demoralized and feel for her and have started carrying a scorn for all such men who exploit innocent women like my friend! It’s time all such got a life!Recommend

  • AD

    chchchch feel sorry for author seems like she just broke up!!!!!! by the passage of time it will heal dont worry

    on serious note gud 1 Recommend

  • Umair

    I completely agree with author. Results of such hasty decisions are not always good. Worst thing is to tolerate the wise advices from friends; who suddenly become relationship experts. Recommend

  • Sarah B. Haider

    The author just brought up a very pertinent issue that the urban Pakistani society is facing these days. I wonder why people are trying to attack the author’s personal life by saying “she must have been through a breakup.” Seriously, all those who think that must be coming from the same family, where the “kuch bhi hojaye, shadi to ammi kii pasand se hi karoonga/karoongi rule is prevalent”. Chickens!Recommend

  • Usman

    Theres more to this “time pass” than just a mere time pass(literally) Throw some light on the moral bankruptcy of our society too regardless of which class they belong to. Nice write up though..Recommend

  • Maria Tameez

    Question is why to date anyone ?? its not in our teachings :SRecommend

  • https://twitter.com/pugnate Noman Ansari

    Great article. :)

    It is true. Don’t date if you don’t intend to marry. But, if both partners are looking for a short term relationship, then that’s OK. Misleading someone is very wrong and should be punishable by a slap to the face.

    @AD: How about you skip the part where you psychoanalyze the author and just enjoy the piece? Just because someone is sharing a message doesn’t mean they went through the same thing themselves. Have you advised kids not to sit with strangers in a car? Does that mean that necessarily mean you are sharing the message because you’ve sat with strangers, and something bad happened as a result?

    In the end, it doesn’t matter.

    chchchch feel sorry for author seems
    like she just broke up!!!!!!

    Wow, what utter nonsense. You are part of the problem. Even if someone ended their relationship with someone, they don’t need your mockery or sympathy. :) How old are you? 12? Recommend

  • Parvez

    What you have said appears logical and sensible. In our society we have the problem of leaving things unsaid, this results in a situation as described. Its would be better right from the outset to ask ‘ What do you expect from this relationship ? ” if he or she can’t even answer that and faffs about, then you know.
    Let me be clear that I am no authority on this and am just thinking aloud.Recommend

  • Tariq Raza

    My Story.
    Nice article.Recommend

  • ahsan

    @Maria Tameez:
    Right and absolutely right answer…. Recommend

  • Sarah B. Haider

    @Salman: People will say things for a good 3 or 4 months, and as soon as a new marriage in the family will take place, they will focus their attentions to that marriage. You can always try convincing your mom that your relatives are not more important than her children. This is where you need the guts to speak up, which 90 percent men lack. At the end of the day, they fall in love with the same community kii larki and say, “parents know the best”.Recommend

  • haroon

    Fully Faltu!!!Recommend

  • Salman’s Mom

    @Sarah B. Haider:
    I know the best for my boy.Recommend

  • Bookie

    And what if that the girl who you are dating for fun, has the same opinion or situation… what if its known at both ends so it doesnt falls in the umbrella of cheating!Recommend

  • Ali Gul

    its tranformation phase of our society the only problem is it will never get transformed coz we look fwd to west for & are in a culttural abeit of east & it will remain dis way coz most of us & i say most of us not all of us who want to break dis norm & want da other partner to take da blame & get out of it clean for their own benefit whihc in many cases doesnt work out as ppl arround are quite wise to find out who is doing what & for waht.
    its simple one wants to make it simple as why to date if its not in our religion & neither in our culture & if one wants to den de should also have da courage to go against the tide rather den playing blaime games & saying things like no one asked me at enagement time and all. Recommend

  • http://blogs.tribune.com.pk/story/12657/if-you-cant-marry-dont-date/ hina jamal

    @salman. why you loved a girl outside your community when you knew that you will end up in an arrange marriage??..please be a man,.and have guts…Recommend

  • CertifiedLiberalFascist

    Grapes are sour :D Recommend

  • RK Singh

    is dating allowed in Pakistan?Recommend

  • THE

    @Salman: You are in a pathetic situation that alot of us have experienced, my friend! You need to stand up against your “community” and do what is right, i.e. marry the girl you love! or else you will also become a part of that dirty and vulgar community system that does nothing but down people. I know it for a fact that some of my parents siblings say stupid things to their faces and my parents being the “good ones” just shut up all the time but keep things in their minds. I get suprised when my parents tell me of things that someone in the community said to them some 20 odd years back but they kept it in their mind just because they didn’t speak up at the time.
    I have been a positive influence on my parents emotional well being since I told them to reply to their own siblings and other relatives with full force if someone tries to say crazy things and it has worked really well for their overall confidence in this world. Recommend

  • Umair

    @RK Singh:
    is dating allowed in Pakistan?

    Sometimes it is better to read article before putting up comment. No offense.Recommend

  • Mj

    As it is a very common problem among Pakistani families, I wish parents would stop forcing their kids to marry according to their own choice. I would never let my parents or anyone else to force me into choosing spouse of their chose. Both men, and women, in Pakistan need to grow some b* and start making their own life decisions instead of being servile to the wishes of parents and community. I agree with @Noman Ansari that the couple need to be honest in their intentions from the outset and, as such, there is nothing wrong with dating without the intention of marriage. Recommend

  • http://blogs.tribune.com.pk/story/12657/if-you-cant-marry-dont-date/ hina jamal

    don’t expect love from anyone in this world..its better not to date nor marry anyone…and have a happy life forever alone..:)Recommend

  • Vikram

    @Salman says: “I am experiencing a relationship like this with my girlfriend right now. I love her, it happened and now after great 5 years now its time to take a step further as my family is already looking for a girl for me in my community. Its a very difficult time for me because I have to convince my family to let me marry the person I love. The problem is not at my family end but the problem is when some one like me tries to marry outside the community.”

    Does your community and parents allow you to have a girlfriend? You are a coward. If you real love that girl, you won’t care about what your community says. Even many girls have more courage then you and refuse to marry their cousins. If you knew your community and parents will not allow you, why did you get into relationship in the first place. Act like a man. How will you feel if some one does that to your sister? What will you do?Recommend

  • Vikram

    @Ayesha One of my very close friends just broke up with her boyfriend after a good 5-year-old relationship just because the dude’s family had already selected a girl for him and would have kicked him out of the house if he wouldn’t have given in.

    Poor guy would have become homeless. No one would have rented a room or an apartment to the girl. It seems more like a temporary marriage (5-yr relationship) where people can get end it with a good excuse. You really think you are friend is so “innocent” that she did not know what was going to happen.Recommend

  • http://www.waqas-rabbani.blogspot.com Waqas Rabbani

    all i know is i wish i had that problem, both my parents are deceased, i’m still having a hard time finding a decent girl to marry… guess only people with families deserve marital bliss all else need to learn how to live alone..Recommend

  • Pakistani

    The world is busy exploring MARS and we Pakistanis are still stuck on these pathetic issues!!

    There is more to life people!!Recommend

  • I know right!

    I absolutely agree with the author. However, as I experienced it, its not only guys who love for passing time, its girls too. A girl played with my brother’s feelings for three years. My family even went to their home for the sake of tying the knot between the two. But the funny and sad thing is that the girl never told her family that she too, liked my brother and that they’ve studied together. We had to make up a story for her sake. I’m thankful to God that my brother didn’t get married to a girl like that! Don’t they have any shame? Recommend

  • Vikram

    @hina jamal: don’t expect love from anyone in this world..its better not to date nor marry anyone…and have a happy life forever alone..:)

    Try to love people unconditionally. I don’t think one can have a happy life without experiencing dating and/or marrying.

    Problem is every one expects others to love him/her, but they never think about showing love to others. Recommend

  • http://google Dr Priyanka

    I think when you say don’t date you are basically insulting the male community. Are you suggesting that we dont trust men or boys? A bad person is bad either before or after marriage. People are on their best behaviour during courtship or before marriage and you see the colours only when you live under the same roof. I have been a victim of a bad marriage. And believe you me -I would have loved to go through a dating experience with the right man. Don’t want to miss out on the fun. But it’s too late now. Sorry I donot agree with the author’s views.Recommend

  • Chokro

    I loved my ‘chotu’, couldnt marry her coz of religious differences. How i wish i could though sighRecommend

  • Mahtab Rasheed

    Great article………… You have indeed pointed to an issue on which people hesitate to speak.Recommend

  • Nousheen

    I don’t understand why the writers each and every sentence comes under objection of the commentators…….maybe its time to look beyond the word boundaries and focus more on the contextual part…..about this article I’d say the author’s stance is a great effort. Relational breakages are actually a psychological strain not only for the party that was mislead but also those who mislead…….once people have done wrong, things turn around at one point or another and then its guilt and shame and much more than just a time pass…….humans need to act much more sensibly than what they actually exhibit in most situations. Recommend

  • Raza

    Solid point. People should only be in relationship if they can work out practical and social constraints to at least stand a chance of getting married.Recommend

  • Salman

    @Sarah B. Haider:
    Obviously I will speak up for my right and will try my best to convince her, and its not about guts obviously I love her and I’ll do everything I can. But its not just that easy, its easy to say but its very hard to do when you know that your parents are not happy and they have raised you from your childhood. They even expect things from me, but obviously I will try convincing my parents for her and hopefully they will agree InshaAllah, sooner or later.
    I know they community people will forget all this after 3-4 months but that’s what my family needs to understand and I hope that I’ll convince them with my point. Recommend

  • Salman

    @hina jamal:
    As I said its now been 5 years since we are in a relationship and at that time I was in college, It was an immature love turned into some serious stuff. Recommend

  • Salman

    @Vikram:
    No, obviously in Pakistan who’s parents will like their children to have gfs/bfs ? And yes I don’t care whatever my community says, I stand against them but obviously I love my mom and I know whats her situation and I will speak for my self. No body is forcing my to marry my cousins lol, its just a trend in our community to marry inside the community. As I said its been 5 years now and 5 years back it was an immature relationship and no need to be offended, I was just giving my views as how my family acts in situation like these, Yes InshaAllah I will convince my parents for that girl, sooner or later. Recommend

  • Hammad

    The article is written with a negative mind set. Love between two people is much bigger than marriage. If there is true love and the partners try to make it happen between them, the result is always positive. No body can stop any one to love some one. Its with some thing every one is born with. It is the women who bring up stories of all their friends who had a breakup and the’ bechari’ lerki is posed to be so innocent. I know many women, who have ditched their honest lovers for well paid guys who own big houses, merc cars and can take their brides to France for honey moon. For these women, honesty, sincerity and locality takes a second to go away when they meet such guys. Eventually when they are cheated after or before marriage, their friends ( like the author) write articles on tribune to give the confusing message around.

    Therefore before forming a firm opinion try to analyze which society we are living in…what people are around us and what stories are arising. Dont form an opinion just by listening to one side….
    We are all materialistic animals trying to snatch, corrupt and steal good lives for us.

    Guys are quite innocent in this regard because some of us cannot achieve the life standard which others achieve due to their family background, education and the amount of money our fathers have. But women can easily grab a perfect lifestyle wit certain moves they make of those guys.Recommend

  • Ummm

    How do you define a successful relationship? Does it have to end in marriage? DO all relationships have to end in marriage?Recommend

  • Confused

    Title should be “Don’t deceive your Boyfriend/Girlfriend with fake hopes of marriage”.
    Dating != Pre-Marriage , keep that in mind.Recommend

  • http://Shanghai Yik Tsue

    How someone can marry his/her own cousin? It causes more birth defects in off springs. Is this common in Pakistan?Recommend

  • Syme

    I am not against consensual relation. Its not necessary to marry the same girl or boy. If one is head over heel then one will marry otherwise there is no point in dragging a relation. Move on. Both had time of their life during the best of relation, there is no point in blaming boy or girl. Recommend

  • Qasim Ahsan

    You just hit the mark with this one.
    It’s genuinely a bit depressing that people get into relationships, for years on end, only to have them end simply because they faced a situation that was BOUND to happen in the first place.

    But then again, the heart is an irrational, idiotic bast**d. Recommend

  • http://doomedlionsinstarlight.wordpress.com Doomed Lions

    Life is cruel, as you said it. So I do not see any “cruelty” in getting into relationships as past time. It becomes more fun when the other party is innocent, dumping them in the end is just so pleasing. Sadistic? Nah. I am sure the “innocent” party would have done the same, had they found a better proposal. Recommend

  • Haider

    Bakwas! Always the poor innocent girl blah blah blah feminist nonsense!Recommend

  • Nobody

    @Salman:
    Respect to you. You seem to have the ‘umph’ to stand up for your girl and respect your mother at the same time. Not many can balance that (gf/bf vs. parents). Best of luck to you! Recommend

  • Nobody

    I agree with the concept of not misleading the other person completely. If you want to have a fling, then make sure the other party knows it as well. Don’t be a coward about it! I’ve seen too many of my female friends and male friends misleading the other, even if by mistake. I also agree people should choose their own spouse, forget community or anyone else. As far as parents go, respect them, but stand up for what you want. It’s your life and you’ll be living with that person, not the community. And no, parents may always MEAN well, but they don’t always know best or make the best choices for their kids. If they did then every marriage in Pakistan would be a match made in heaven and God knows that’s not the case. Cheers!Recommend

  • Rahim Virani

    You will never get your first love its only happen to lucky 10 out of million !!!
    i had a realtionship with a girl for 2 years same community same cast everything was alrite .. however girls father was a harami and he dont like love marriage… so we broke up and now she got kids and i m happy because she is happy .. deep down inside i still lover her …when she left me i was heart broken for 2 month … after that i moved on till today i have dated 6 girls and always happy ending !!! give love get love !!! this world is small so enjoy !!!Recommend

  • Akhtar

    Well,its but natural that opposite genders have attraction for each others.There is difference between liking,attachment and love.The girls get spoiled if they jump in to a relationship with boys before making them clear to the boys their intentions.After getting positive response from the girls,the boys get in to the relationship.Wise are those girls ,who from the very beginning make themselves clear to the boys..No harm in having likings for girls/boys BUT then it should be made clear from the very beginning..specially from the girls end..their intentions/plans…” Man is a moment,while woman is a life”Recommend

  • gp65

    @Salman: So if you know you are from a social circle where people will taunt your other if you marry a girl of your choice and that bothers you, why did you date a girl for 5 years. Was she aware of your opinion on this subject?

    @AD: That was a really juvenile comment.

    @Author: Dating for time pass is fine as long as both people are upfront about it and as long as they plan to also be upfront with the person they eventually marry. But leading one person on is just uncool. These types of occurrences were not uncommon in India either when I was growng uo. Thankfully now more and more families at least in cities are accepting of not just the fact that the boy and girl may choose their own partners but their partners maybe from a different linguistic group and/or caste.Recommend

  • zehra

    ooh that is so true, these days it is the”in ” thing esp in younger lot ot have someone and more starnge there is always a back up even!! there is always a momet when you know that this is about to get real, if at that time ou know you cant mary out of your sect ,caste, community family say it out!!

    these days what i have noticed even though they know will prolly not get marreid to the person it is ok to be in love and date coz ” everyone is dating ” and marriage is too far, this is what is mainly predominant in college universtiies students, heck some even school goers who are chill to break up at metric !! Recommend

  • http://salmanzq.blogspot.com/ salman

    These issues wouldn’t arise if our society became more open minded and less hypocritical. Dating works for some people in meeting their partners and their is nothing wrong with it. It’s a problem in Pakistan because we make it a problem. Recommend

  • Nauman from Malaysia…

    In these days of hook-ups, serial dating, friends with benefits, stay-over relationships and other such collective stupidity, I can understand how the real purpose of dating has gotten lost. Just to be clear and fill in the blank for those of you who are wondering…the whole point of dating is to find someone you love and want to build a life with and to get married. I know people “date” for all kind of reasons—anything from boredom, and loneliness, to getting sex or boosting their egos—but none of those should be the motivation to date. It’s pretty straightforward people: If you don’t want to get married, then don’t date.

    I frequently hear young couples say things like this: “We’ve been dating for three years but we just can’t afford to get married yet.” “I’m just not ready to settle down.” “I want to complete my education and get established before I think about marrying.” Why in the heck are you even dating to begin with?

    Sometimes i personally feel dating before marriage, lessens the whole charm of marriage…Recommend

  • ABkhan

    Why this article is one sided? I have seen many guys used and deceived by women of this society, who will leave a good old relation for a better future. May be guys are not ill with the syndrome called “victimization” yet!!!!Recommend

  • Aamir

    Very well said.. I agree!!Recommend

  • from India

    Hold on a sec, marrying a cousin ? that’s incest !!Recommend

  • sundus

    I truly agree with the sentence “Ammi nai man rahee” then why at the first place they go for the date?? those long night chats and blah blah that time they don’t think about their parents ?? Boys buy the shirt / cell phone/ laptop which they WANT to..that time they don’t listen to anyone how come when getting married they listen to their parents ?? its all about their own wish… society/community is just a lame excuses.Recommend

  • Sam

    Good one! Such chickens should know their worth in the family before making false statements of commitment to the other person.Recommend

  • Wakrim

    Thats a Good side of Life ..
    Recommend

  • Nauman from Malaysia…

    I know this is very counter-cultural, but remaining pure prior to marriage should be of utmost importance to any religion men and women—young or old. Sadly, it’s not. What is of the utmost importance to far too many is money and careers, having a house and car, achieving, attaining and acquiring things. So they sell out purity and righteousness for financial security and creature comforts. They date for four, five, six, seven years and end up having sex with the other person, defying the plan of God for marriage simply because they “can’t afford” to follow His way and get married. Really? Good luck explaining your reasons to God.

    My general rule of thumb on dating is this: If you can’t see yourself marrying in the next 18 months to two years, don’t date. Dating should not last more than a couple of years or you will, most assuredly, end up in sexual compromise…. which by the way is the single greatest indicator of marital success. Couples who are virgins when they marry have a fraction of the divorce rate compared to those who were sexually active prior to marriage.Recommend

  • ThroneOfThorns

    I’m blessed with parents that have supported me throughout and always told me since the start that whom I marry was my choice. They trusted my judgement and knew that I would not bring anyone in to the house who I thought could not adjust well in to our family and household.

    Parents need to take their children’s happiness into account. If a child is not happy marrying someone the parents want, then what’s the point anyway? However, with that said, I think people should be careful who they fall in ‘love’ with. I think people should think very carefully about their family structure, household and values and go for someone who they feel can fit in to their lives. This goes for both the boy and the girl. Just my two cents.Recommend

  • Loneliberal PK

    Not every relationship has to advance to marriage. I understand this is frowned upon in Pakistan, but casual relationships can and do exist.

    Most Pakistani girls, I’ve observed, are reluctant to take part in *let’s-see-where-this-goes* relationships and need assurance from the very beginning that this is going to end in marriage. Guys, who cherish the relationship (even if it’s a casual one) therefore hesitate to inform the girl that this is unlikely to go very far.

    That, of course, is no justification. It is downright unethical to mislead the partner into believing that the relationship is a serious one, just so he/she would stick around.Recommend

  • Rabia

    @Salman, I dont think you will convince your parents kid. Already you are covering your ground about not being able to stand up by saying ‘it is so difficult’, ‘cant see my parents sad’. You even said it started ‘as an immature love’ deriding your relationship. But then add ‘but I will convince them at the end’ to assuage your conscience. Know yourself kid. You are already making excuses. Hope your girlfriend finds someone better who will stand up for her and give her all the happiness in the world. Someone who cant do this much for her is really not worth the timeRecommend

  • Ali T.

    Miracles might happen if the desire to get married is authentic on both sides

    Totally agree with this part. My marriage is a miracle of sorts. My parents were more than happy with my choice. My wife’s family after agreeing initially wanted to turn back against their word due to their family pressure. But me and my wife stood firm and thankfully our love marriage turned into a arranged marriage :)Recommend

  • Saif Khan

    While I am looking at the comments it look like that everyone is supporting the writer but I fear that she would be tagged as extremist if she would be able to give any reference from religion Islam.
    Double standards by our society, very pity!!!!!Recommend

  • Xara

    @Hammad
    Title is “If you can’t marry, don’t date”…..She didnt say “If you can’t marry, Don’t love”Recommend

  • Salman

    @Nobody:
    Thank you, really appreciate your comments. People need to understand that how difficult it is to manage when you don’t have the option to choose both and still you can’t live without your family and the women you love. I am trying to stand up against this and my girlfriend knows everything about it, Shes aware of my situation and I haven’t kept her in the dark, still she trusts me and that’s what making my love more positive. Recommend

  • Nauman from Malaysia…

    I believe the writer is ultra-liberal non-orthodox… and follows a faith other than what we all are projecting at…Recommend

  • Salman

    @gp65:
    You need to read my other comments too, I said that it was an immature love. I was in college back at that time and yes she knew from day one whatever happens in my community i haven’t kept her in dark. Recommend

  • Muhammad Ahsan Javed

    *

    Love just happens .. -*Beautiful

    Recommend

  • Salman

    @Rabia:
    Well you don’t know my situation. On the other hand its a similar situation at her end too. Even her family encourages to marry inside their own community but I am not thinking about that right now. All I am thinking is that how will I be able to convince my parents at the first place because first I’ve to take the step then if at my end my parents agree to let me marry her then I’ll ask her to talk to her parents. She knew from day one about my situation, I’ve never kept her in dark.
    FYI, up till now I’ve done whatever it takes to persuade my parents and will keep on doing it un till the end. Recommend

  • Rahim Virani

    @salman

    what community you belong to bro !!!Recommend

  • AD

    @ Noman Ansari

    Just chill man !!! dont take it personal u ilke the article fine me 2 it was just humor dont just comment it for the sake of commentRecommend

  • Femme

    Some people don’t date for the ultimate goal of marriage. When I went to Pakistan for the first time, last summer, I was shocked and surprised to hear from a large number of people that someone is only your boyfriend/girlfriend if you intend to marry them. First time I had ever heard of such a concept.Recommend

  • Vigilant

    Is there any thing like love b/w bf & gf??? i don’t think so…….Dating & Mating are all time passRecommend

  • ovais khan

    pre marital relationship is strictly prohibited in Islam then i dont understand why you guys are whining about relationship breakage just follow the islam yuo will be in right pathRecommend

  • SAK

    This is an excellent peice and depicts the true picture of our society. What the teens, who are in such relations, shall realize that marriage is not between two individuals, its between two families. So rather then getting into something filthy, its better to avoid such relations. Most of boys and girls opt for such relations because their friends around them have bf/gf and they are tempted to have one. So stop greeding guys and gals and be positive in your life.Recommend

  • Atheist

    @Maria Tameez: Lol. I can tell someone’s a lone wolf here.Recommend

  • talal

    Well i tell u, my cousin was in the very situation, he had a girlfriend once and when he was getting serious about the affair, the girl had to go America where a cousin of hers was and had to marry him, my cousin went along with his life, and guess what the husband of hers was so bad, he beat her, even got a daughter out of her, but still wasnt happy with her, finally they divorced, until that time my cousin had left the old house and shifted to somewhere else, but the girl was a real lover, she said i will find you and she did, they started talking again and she even came to Pakistan all by herself, after some years there parents met, and they arranged their marriage, at first many people were crticizing their marriage, but only for a few months…now guess what, they have two most beautiful sons and the very happy family.Recommend

  • Salman

    @talal:
    MashaAllah, good to hear that.Recommend

  • Doctor

    @Salman:

    I am in same situation too bro..Recommend

  • Doctor

    @Sarah B. Haider:

    You will act the same mom when you have kids… mothers are so hurt when their sons choose a a partner on their own..Recommend

  • Doctor

    @Nobody:

    agree with you..Recommend

  • reality

    Ahmad and his Mother

    Seeing that his mother was in a good mood, Ahmad sat near her and said, ‘Mother, I have an idea which should bring you much joy.” His mother answered eagerly, “My son, all that you give me makes me happy. What is on your mind?”

    “You know,” he told her,
    “I have finished my studies and can afford to begin a family. I have decided to marry.”

    His mother’s face brightened with a smile. “This is very good news! I have long awaited such a day,” she told him. “How often I have wished you would marry one of your cousins.
    Praise be to Allah that you have made this decision before it is too late!.” Ahmad exclaimed, “Before it’s too late? What do you mean?” “Your cousin Maryam is now old enough to marry. Every day there is someone visiting her home, seeking her hand.”

    Ahmad sat silently for a moment and said, “Then why should we bother her suitors?”

    “What do you mean, Ahmad?,” asked his mother, dismayed.

    “My cousin Maryam is not fit for me.”

    “Why not? No, my son, you’re mistaken. I shall go and see about your engagement tomorrow,” his mother told him.

    Ahmad frowned and said, “No, mother. Please do not do such a thing. I will not agree to this.” “When she becomes your fiancé, you will feel love for her. Put aside your fears.
    Maryam is beautiful, and she has a respectable job.”

    Ahmad disagreed, “No. This matter only concerns me.”

    Ahmad’s mother thought for a moment and said, “If you dislike Maryam, then there’s my brother’s daughter. She is as beautiful as Maryam , and she has inherited a large sum of money from my brother.

    “Mother, please think about this matter from my point of view. I need someone to share my life, not a business partner.”Recommend

  • B.

    @Vikram: I am the girl Ayesha is talking about. And the guy kept promising me that he would speak up as soon as he would get a chance. His elder brother married a girl of his choice too, and was kicked out but the parents later on accepted the girl. He assured me that he would make things right. And the kind of guy he was, no one in the world could ever think he would turn out to be such a coward. He disappeared for a week all of a sudden saying he was facing some grave problems, and all of a sudden he messaged me one day “mera nikkah hogaya I am sorry. however i dont wanna lose you still”. Do you think i was “not so innocent”. Please stop generalizing anyone’s situation before knowing the whole story.Recommend

  • Dj-Amir Khan

    Salman some time what we thinking is not correct in the picture it seem correct but infact it not
    Our ancient/parents have experience and they can see the picture behind the curtain which we can’t for the time being but in life a stage come and we recognize that “Mama teek kehti thien”
    “Baba teek kehtay thay” that time we admit but…………….. And last
    “Main piyar andha hota hai” jese anday ko acha bura nazar nahi ata isi tarah hai piyar b Recommend

  • Vikram

    @Dr Priyanka: “when you say don’t date you are basically insulting the male community. Are you suggesting that we dont trust men or boys?”

    Purpose of dating is to find a compatible marriage partner. Nothing wrong with dating. Many men will pretend they love a girl just to get her in bed when they have no intention of having a serious relationship.Recommend

  • Vikram

    @zehra: these days what i have noticed even though they know will prolly not get marreid to the person it is ok to be in love and date coz ”

    It sounds more like “fooling around” on a secret date. Polly you live in a Western country.Recommend

  • Vikram

    @B.: he messaged me one day “mera nikkah hogaya I am sorry. however i dont wanna lose you still”. Do you think i was “not so innocent”. Please stop generalizing anyone’s situation before knowing the whole story.

    You trusted him and he cheated you. Now he wants to cheat on his wife because he does not want to lose you. Do you still consider him a friend? I hope you can move on and find some one better then him.Recommend

  • Siddiqui

    As the great historian Wendy doniger writes, the Indian subcontinent was always open and free in matters of love and marriages. Witness Kama sutra, khajuraho, etc. also Sanskrit epics prescribe 64 ways of marriage, including eloping. The advent of Islam (also later supported by the Victorian British) successfully changed Indian society (including our ancestors) into a more conservative arranged marriage system, modeled after the Prophet (pbuh). Note that the Prrophet (pbuh) showed by example the acceptable system of marriage with each of his 13 wives, giving each one the respect she deserves. All our problems are created by not following Islam but giving in to the freewheeling tendencies of premarital dating, premarital sex, etc that were ok for our infidel ancestors but not ok for our current society in Pakistan where we are trying to build a true Islamic society.Recommend

  • Amna Hasan

    This blog has turned into an analysis of Salman’s relationship :pRecommend

  • Vikram

    @Femme: When I went to Pakistan for the first time, last summer, I was shocked and surprised to hear from a large number of people that someone is only your boyfriend/girlfriend if you intend to marry them.

    There is not supposed to be anything like boyfriend/girlfriend in Pakistan.
    An unrelated Muslim man and woman are not supposed meet alone.

    Things do happen secretly every where. Are you really a Femme?Recommend

  • http://google Dr Priyanka

    @B.:You should thank God that you did not marry him. He would have divorced you. Think that it is good riddance to bad rubbish my sister. He is a wimp. You will get a better one.Recommend

  • http://google Dr Priyanka

    @Vikram: Such men are capable of dumping women even after marriage. Recommend

  • Syed Ali

    This is perfectly true and the reflection of our society. But I think we do remember that the element of ” love is blind” .Recommend

  • Nauman from Malaysia…

    where is my comment ???????????Recommend

  • Hana

    @Nabiha Beg:
    Why not you pick up your pen and write something useful. You read the title and you could have chosen to not read it, let alone read it and then take your precious time to write such a strong comment. If someone is trying to address hypocrisy in our society (which by the way is a social issue) you have the guts to protest?Recommend

  • talha

    i think everyone has a right to love and tries to win it. if it goes wrong, that another question. but to love someone is the greatest of all things. so my sincere advice not to stop loving for the fear of not winning. keep loving Recommend

  • Salman

    There is no harm in highlighting these kind of issues as unfortunately they are a part of our society and people use to pass their time, but from the material I read above is just depicting that it always happen to girls. They are innocent and fully involved and get dumped by their boy friends at the end. There are a lot of examples I can quote where exactly the opposite happened…Its not a neutrally written article as all your examples are just showing how biased you are towards males and their behaviors during relationships.

    No offense but may be you are just expressing your anger due to you recent past personal experiences but I guess its not the case everywhere…..Recommend

  • ABkhan

    @from India:
    Your rajas have been marrying their sisters and it was not incest. Give me a break and try to concentrate on your own culture first, better to concentrate on your accent first!!!Recommend

  • Maliha

    @Salman:
    Where in the whole text is she referring to the boys, except one line “Often it is the naive girls who keep on thinking that a miracle will happen if they keep hanging on to their relationship.” and that too comes with a word called OFTEN.
    so for those loser guys who are feeling guilty and feeling the author has exposed them, get a b* you chickens!Recommend