Hafiz Saeed: The (10) million dollar man

Published: April 4, 2012

I know some of you will be thinking "but this harms our ghairat" but let’s be honest with ourselves for once. We’d sell our souls for less, hell we do it every day in Pakistan with our corrupt practices! IMAGE: JAHANZAIB HAQUE

Ten million dollars. Not one, not five, 10!

This is it Pakistanis. If you don’t take this opportunity, you have no one else to blame but yourself for not winning this lottery. Easier than any question asked by Amitabh Bachchan on KBC, this is the fastest, surest way to the top guys. America has answered your prayers and you can get out of poverty – now!

Even with the usual 10% ‘charges’, this would leave you with a cool $9 million. Move to Karachi, officially the world’s cheapest city, and live the rest of your life in a nice bungalow with hundreds of maids. And we’re talking Defense, not your Lalu Kheth and Korangi housings.

All you have to do is hand over Hafiz Saeed – that guy who walks freely on our streets. The same dude our courts have shamelessly let off scot free despite his blatant transgressions. In order to help my fellow Pakistanis, I will give you some tips to find this mysterious man in ‘hiding’:

  • He’s a 60 something man who wears the white Muslim prayer hat and sports a long beard. Okay, that could be anyone in your mohalla mosque
  • He’s a portly mullah, the kind that makes you wonder whether he is spending that charity money on KFC binges for himself
  • You’ll find him mouthing off stuff about cutting India up like it is a piece of mutton and he’s a butcher
  • He has been addressing the Difa-e-Pakistan conferences, or as they are known otherwise, Defy-Pakistan’s-laws-and-make-a-mockery-of-them conferences
  • Listening to his speeches, you will notice that he could have been a good qawali singer judging by his vocal abilities
  • Last but not least, he openly holds public rallies promoting youngsters to go to jihad where they will live in tough conditions, before retiring into his bungalow house in Lahore’s suburbs – that nice Johar Town area.

Remember also, Zardari’s on his way to India this month. He’s still waiting for his Inferior – I mean Interior Minister Rehman Malik to confirm the story. Hurry up before he steals this opportunity and takes Hafiz himself. Forget Kony 2012, grab that mullah and make your money!

I know some of you will be thinking “but this harms our ghairat” but let’s be honest with ourselves for once. We’d sell our souls for less, hell we do it every day in Pakistan with our corrupt practices!

I do wonder what Hafiz’s thoughts are on this. Imagine waking up one day and knowing your true worth. He must be delighted. However, reports have confirmed that his mother, in typical desi mother’s fashion, twisted his ear and scolded him for ending up second behind Ayman al Zawahri:

Mayray betay may kya kamee hay jo usko sirf 10 million kee bounty lagaygee hay, mayra beta bhi 25 million say kum nahee.

( What does my son lack that only a bounty of $10 million has been offered for him, he deserves no less than $25 million)

And with Hafiz’s insistence on being a charitable person, he would be happy to turn himself in. There is no way his ‘charity’ organisation could raise that money on its own. This double master’s degree holder and suicide bombing advocate will surely recognise the amount of help all that money would bring to the poor in the country. And with his insistence on us making sacrifices for Islam and for Muslims, this is the best way to practice what he preaches. He must be over the moon.

All he has to do is go with the American authorities (that too alive and not shot dead and body thrown into the ocean) and we Pakistanis would be 10 million dollars richer  - which could go towards feeding the poor. He does seem to favour this in his recent quote:

I am living my life in the open and the US can contact me whenever they want.

The US is now trying to find his Facebook profile to get in touch; alternatively his Skype ID will also help.

But this announcement surely makes things awkward amongst his circle of friends. Imagine sitting with them when you have a 10 million dollar bounty on you. Any time one of them excuses themselves to go to the bathroom, every other person would be thinking “He better not call the authorities… before I get a chance.”

All in all, prosperity is coming towards Pakistan. China, Bangladesh and India may have overtaken us in manufacturing clothes and other products. But our exclusive, high-quality terrorist line still demands the highest prices, manufactured in Pakistan, demanded in America.

Read more by Salman here.

salman.qureshi

Salman Qureshi

A Masters graduate in International Business from the University of Wollongong Dubai. He is a standup and Improv comedian based in Dubai with an intense interest in reviving and supporting arts in Pakistan. He blogs at: salmanzq.blogspot.com/

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • MM

    hhahahahahahahahahahha.. awesome… love itRecommend

  • Farzan Sohail

    Just Pathetic !!!!
    The kind of articles that are popping up on ET these days shows a serious lack of good judgement by the editors.Recommend

  • Ayesha Ahmad

    hilarious read :DRecommend

  • http://mariemswords.wordpress.com MariemAsif

    OMG! This was utterly, roll-on-the-floor hilarious! Recommend

  • Syeda Soobia Fatima

    Hafiz Saeed, allegedly the mastermind of 2008 Mumbai terrorists attack, is now the (10) million dollar man. It is shameful that despite the fact that his involvement in terrorist activities is a known fact, he not only managed to get a clearance chit from Pakistani courts, but is also allow to address the huge rallies in all over Pakistan. Now with the 10 million dollar head money for him , he is further going to intoxicate people with his poisonuous ideology, as the people of his breed feed on anti-American sentiments. We must learn a lesson now, that if we will not seriously prosecute against the well-known terrorist, and they will be free to move and address anyone, anywhere at their will, then the world will do something for it. The mesage is clear either you put terrorist behind the bars or they will continue to bring more shame to Pakistan, who manage to remain the darling of international press for all the wrong reasons!Recommend

  • Ich Dien

    “The same dude our courts have shamelessly let off scot free despite his blatant transgressions.”

    Courts see him free even with evidence and witnesses available to prove without any doubt that he is what they claim about him? Why is it always the courts? why cant you say our super duper police and intel agencies can’t find sand in the middle of the desert? or that our people are such cowards no one is ready to testify? etc etc Court of law decides on the basis of matter put in front of it not just bcoz you or I say so.

    Btw now i understand whats the coz of american financial situation … they are willing to pay $10 Million for information which they can easily find in the telephone directoryRecommend

  • AIN

    ohh my God….too much funny..Very Good…..
    I am cent percent agreed with :”But our exclusive, high-quality terrorist line still demands the highest prices, manufactured in Pakistan, demanded in America”

    I am resident of Lahore He will be in Lahore tomorrow. Anyone wana billionaire ????By the way our great great Mr.Zoordari has already set to make a “deal” !!! guess….he is already going to india to set it …ooopsss…..Recommend

  • Commentator

    LOL…that was a very funny piece…
    But on a more serious note, I keep reading comments about how Zia ruined things for Pakistan with his Islamization agenda (“Prince of hypocrites” is what one Pakistani commentor called him) and at that time no one stopped him. As a consequence a whole generation has suffered. I hope atleast now Pakistanis would wake up and stop people like Hafiz Sayeed from spreading their agenda of hate. By providing him a public platform to air his jaundiced views, the state authorities are complicit in further radicalizing the society and making things difficult for both themselves and other well-meaning friends of Pakistan and those people who want to see peace in the sub-continent. This announcement by the US should atleast prompt the government to forcibly shut down Sayeed’s front organization (JuD) and stop him from making public comments and influencing impressionable minds.Recommend

  • narayana murthy

    Interior minister to GHQ : “Sirji, hame koi statement dena padega”

    GHQ : “Abhi hamare paas koi statement nahi hai. Ek kaam karo. Aap hazar jhoot likho, aur hum hazaar jhoot likhenge. baad mein, in 2000 jhoot main se, lottery karke ek nikalenge. Woh hamara stfeatement hoga!”

    Interior minister : “theek hain sirji”.

    Interior minister (issuing statement, the next day) : “We have caught Hafeez Saeed. But after washing his hair, we have found out that his hair is actually black and not red as stated by the USA. So, we have decided that he’s not real Hafeez saeed and we are letting him go! So, until we find the real Hafeez Saeed with real red hair, good bye!”.Recommend

  • http://India Feroz

    The common refrain is where is the proof ? What do you do when the ones demanding proof are blind and deaf ? The common refrain is the Courts let him off. Is it not the same Courts that sent an innocent PM to the gallows or the same Court that murdered Democracy multiple times and gave a back door entry to Dictators. Quite natural in a free country when one persons “National Interest” clashes with some others “National Interest”.
    Where is the now jobless Dr Afridi, put him on the job – 25 + 10 makes 35. Recommend

  • http://707monty.blogspot.com Pakistan politics

    Surely the writer is inspired from western propaganda machinesRecommend

  • Sabeer Lodhi

    This was hilarious! A good write-up.Recommend

  • aftab afridi

    America shouldn’t interfere in the affairs of other countries.What if pakistani govt. started offering reward money for the american congressman Dana Rohrabacher?
    if any pakistani has broken the law,our govt. should take action according to our laws.others shouldn’t interfere in our internal affairs.Recommend

  • kaalchakra

    Gentleman

    He is a saboteur, not a terrorist. Obama, not LTE, carried out the attack on India in Mumbai. I am not sure quite how, but one retired professor Sir Nikos can clear any confusion. The knowledgeable professor has even volunteered his house, personal body, and children to be bombed in order to help the glorious saboteurs like co-professor Hafiz Saeed and keep the latter busy.Recommend

  • Maisam Siddiqui

    What rubbish!!!!
    He is running Pakistan’s 2nd largest welfare organization
    And I smell SALMAN QURESHI must belong to an Extremist Libral Family….
    the American LOversssRecommend

  • Usman Usmani

    I like your magazine n newspaper v much bt after dis blog i’ll never buy ur newspaper even i’ll suggest my friends as well dat dis newspaper doesnt have qualified staff and senseable staff!!!
    Shame on u Express Tribune!!!
    and the person who wrote dis blog should afraid of Allah Almighty!!!!
    How can u condemn any person dat u dont have much information about dat person!!!Recommend

  • Pakistani

    “Never trust an elf!” – Gimli in Lord of the Rings
    “Never trust a Mullah!” – Me in PakistanRecommend

  • Whats in the name.

    If I were somebody in his coterie, I would for sure pump a bullet into his head, Claim the 10 Million dollar reward and also the green card for the entire family. I would be a hero with the millions of Pakistanis who are hopelessly and helplessly watching his charades every day. Yes I would also become a villain in the eyes of few fanatics. But the Pros outweigh the Cons by a great margin. Is any body listing out their.
    RgdsRecommend

  • Chengez K

    An American ambassador had said about Pakistanis in 1970′s that they would sell their Mothers for a bottle of scotch & a visit to U.S………

    In this case Yankees are showing great generosity ….may be they are trying to impress the Indians that when they want to spend then can really throw up!!!Recommend

  • http://www.facebook.com/007Zone Habibies

    Shame for all Americans for buying Muslims/Pakistanis peopleRecommend

  • Bakhat

    “The same dude our courts have shamelessly let off scot free despite his blatant transgressions.”

    What proof do you have that his trial was not fair? This article is really in bad taste…Recommend

  • http://707monty.blogspot.com Pakistan politics

    Surely the writer is inspired by western propaganda machinesRecommend

  • Raheem Bukhsh

    Rubbish article twisting facts just for the sake of fun.
    “This double master’s degree holder and suicide bombing advocate will surely recognise the amount of help all that money would bring to the poor in the country.”. He has never advocated suicide bombing.
    And to hate india is not a crime, why should not i hate india? because they are building dams on pakistani rivers to make us beg for drops of water? because india is supporting insurgence in balochistan? People have no idea that this shortage of water is going out to be the biggest issue in a couple of years. There are open evidences of indian involvement in balochistan through countless counslates along the afghan and iran border areas with pakistan.
    Hafiz saeed is an extremist but a faithful son of land, who is just paying for being too vocal and practical against enemies of PakistanRecommend

  • Faizan Ayyub

    Hafiz Saeed is the True Mujahid. no one dare to touch him.Recommend

  • http://www.struggle.com.pk/ Imran Kamyana

    American Imperialism, Islamic Fundamentalism and Pakistani State all are tied to one another in a love hate relationship. Imperialism & Fundamentalism are fed upon each other. This article simply explains it all
    http://www.struggle.com.pk/%d8%a8%d8%a7%d8%aa%d8%b1%d8%aa%db%8c%d8%a8-%d8%a8%d8%af-%d9%86%d8%b8%d9%85%db%8c/Recommend

  • http://solomon2.blogspot.com Solomon2

    It’s not “dead or alive”; the bounty is for information leading to Saeed’s arrest and conviction. Apparently a dead Saeed won’t earn a claimant any money.

    But hey, this is the Pakistani media, why spoil a good story by telling the truth?Recommend

  • Jaleed Ahmed Gilani

    I dont know which is worse, the lame sense of humor of the blogger, or the trash presented in the article.

    I am no fan of Hafiz, but I do respect the guy’s dignity when he says, I am in Lahore tomorrow, take me. He has guts, which our military and political establishment lack.Recommend

  • Umer

    Any time one of them excuses
    themselves to go to the bathroom,
    every other person would be thinking
    “He better not call the authorities…
    before I get a chance.

    Exactly my thoughts. Who knows the other department who allegedly does sacrifices for the nation may also get the same idea; get rid of him for bounty, he’s a liability any way.Recommend

  • Danish

    To,

    The Writer,

    Please name the cases in which he has been declared as a terrorist/criminal for a case by a Pakistani court?Recommend

  • Hammad Mian

    @Syeda Soobia Fatima: Don’t need to get influenced by Indian or Western media. Bring evidence to prove him guilty.Recommend

  • Shabbir

    The most humorous blog written on ET in the last few years!!! Enjoyed reading it!Recommend

  • Frantic

    thats sum funny sh….*t :)Recommend

  • hadi

    I really dont get how people keep saying “Our courts shamelessly let him off” I think you are forgetting the fact that these courts aren’t any monarchs. They interprete and follow the law. They make judgement based on the constitution, evidences and judgements made by other courts of law in similar cases in past. if you really want to call anyone shameless, you should call Punjab Government shameless, who are supporting all anti pakistan movements. They are providing these people with protection and promoting such carnage in Pakistan over all. Recommend

  • Bhindian

    What a lame attempt at being funny.Recommend

  • rk singh

    dead man walkingRecommend

  • salman

    shame on u. what if us put money on your head?
    he is Pakistani. thats it. we will support him.
    ET is crossing its limits. Recommend

  • Osama Ishtiaq Minhas

    To the Writer And The Express Tribune Administration
    While posting a comment on any of your articles you read it first and than comment so what about this article isn,t this attacking the sects and what is this article all about translating the intentions of western media and you are posting these type of articles mean you are supporting and hats off to this writer who had no knowledge of what he is writing and what he is talking about. i hope no further articles by this writer or like this appear in tribune and my comment is posted aswell…. Thanks.Recommend

  • Barood

    My dear countryman..
    please think who tells you all this, how do u know about all these events? what is the global forum where major decisions are made? who tells you who is terrorist and who is not? how do you know who is involved in a terrorist activity somewhere?

    US….and you beleive what they say, without even questioning there right to say so. They pull out there Raymond Davis who was caught red handed, and tell us to hand over our citizens who have never been tried…?

    Know yourself and never base your beleifs on newspapers and TV channels.

    Urs Truly..GeneralRecommend

  • Umer

    @Danish:

    Please name the cases in which he has
    been declared as a terrorist/criminal
    for a case by a Pakistani court?

    Pakistani courts? None. That is the point.Recommend

  • Parvez

    Definitely funny.
    Mushraaf must be cursing his luck – he’s missed out on the big one.Recommend

  • LightUP

    Thank you for a funny piece. all these people should get a life. enjoy the humor and stop being cry babies!Recommend

  • hassan

    Dear Hafiz Saeed,

    We are looking forward to meeting you soon !

    Yours lovingly,

    Fish In The Arabian Sea
    PS: We met your friend in last May but he was not like you. He was a bit thin. Recommend

  • Ali Nasir

    Where is the proof guys :) ????? lolRecommend

  • Prometheus

    This was wonderful. Recommend

  • AIN

    @ To all who mind this article!!

    Please!!!!!!! the whole ET and other blogs are enough to discuss the serious concerns of this and other issues…. let this piece of writing be to enjoy….CIA,FBI,RAW,ISI will not bother to consider this blog or ur’s/our comments for it. By the way in our society it is already too difficult to laugh and be in good mood…. so please b happy and applause the great sense of humor of the author.Recommend

  • Ishtiaq

    Mr. Writer,
    and you think, you will get American visa by writing this type of Garbage article. Shame on you. those who does’nt respect others doesn’t have respect.Recommend

  • antony

    @kalchakra, what you are saying is killing random people in train station and hotel and calling it as an act of sabouter rather than terrorism and you being proud of the act amounts to gross unislamic act if you read Quran . I sense you should get a taste of your own medicine someday . Recommend

  • Umair

    Brilliant idea … I agree with author.Recommend

  • Mahi

    @Ishtiaq:
    Calling spade a spade is NOT a crime is it?we need to get over this so called ghairat now,it’s time to clear Pakistan off from such extremists,we can only progress if we kick him outta here and everyone like him.Recommend

  • Farooq Khan

    Mr. Qureshi
    I am utterly disappointed by your comments on the fellow Pakistani. But no worder, when American said that Pakistani would sell their mother for a bottle of scotch, they were actually referring people like yourself.
    Go and dig some facts before you “sell” your fellow Pakistani. May be the next time the bounty could be bigger, when it is your mth*. Then do not ask for the proof, just sell it and make money. Happy daysRecommend

  • KAMRAN

    what the heck ? are you kidding me Authour ? He is not a criminal or a terrorist , he is only the person who has guts to tell INDIA/AMERICA/ISRAEL and all their brothers that MUSLIMS are not their slaves .Recommend

  • waqas

    Raymond Davis and Many others Americans and Indians in pakistan on hidden Agendas are innocent and all pakistanis are terrorists !! where is my and authurs America’s Passport ??????Recommend

  • dude

    funny!strong textRecommend

  • ishtiaq

    @Mahi:
    What extremism he did? did any evidences proved him as a criminal???Recommend

  • ishtiaq

    Quality of ET blogs are goin down day by day !!Recommend

  • Aslam

    Pathetic, simply patheticRecommend

  • Imran

    RidiculousRecommend

  • Mahi

    @ishtiaq: Maybe your definition of extremism differs from mine,but he and a bunch of other extremists like some Mehsood and his allies are a big threat to our nation and they should be punished.Okay you tell me,if he did nothing then why is the world after him?Why such a huge bounty on his head?maybe I’m wrong but why is everyone targeting Pakistan,particularly this man?Recommend

  • arsalan khan

    By the way what is Hafiz Saeed’s source of income? He lives a jetset life.Recommend

  • n00r

    “Nace” I like the last para of the blog… we dont want religious fanatics and we dont want US intervention either when will Pakistan grow up to take matters in its own hands. Come you guys who support Hafiz Saeed can you not see the amount of extremism in our country , US could use it as an excuse to destroy us, it has already tarnished our image in the world , I am not a extremist and hack I dont want to die for some mullah who is too arrogant to give rights to minorities or who preaches hatred . I want a sovereign Pakistan but not at a price of extremism where people are forced to live a life of misery just because some religious pandit wishes it.
    Why cant we have minds of our own and follow Quran and Sunah by reading and debating about it rather then taking the commandments of these mullahs who have their own interpretation of religion. And please as some of the people dont have evidence to prove HS guilty you dont have any character certificate of his piety either so let there be freedom of expression everyone is entitled to their opinion Recommend

  • Syeda Soobia Fatima

    @Hammad Mian:
    well Hammad ‘m trying my best to get some evidence to support his conviction as it will turn me into million dollar lady ;) on serious note, he is the co-founder of Lashkar-e-Taiyaba, a terrorist group found by Pakistan’s establishment itself to fight against Indian troops in disputed valley of Kashmir. Now tell me can you give me any evidence of our establishment’s involvement in Balochistan missing persons case ? or it buying and creating political parties to further its own interests ? or of training mujahedeens to fight Soviets? may be we can give evidence, only if we ‘re fortunate enough to have bullet free bodies( the case of Saleem Shahzad is still fresh in my mind) ! but for now you give me some evidence about the nexus of zionists and hindus which is bent upon to destroy the most important nation on this planet, that is us! will be grateful to you if you do :) Recommend

  • Sane

    It is amazing that first ‘head money’ announced. Sensing what nonsense has been done, it is changed to find & provide proof. Nonsense upon nonsense; name any one and tell OK find any proof against and you will be rewarded fortune. Does this make any sense?????????!!!!!!!!!!. So, any Tom, Dick, Harry whose face is not liked come into this net. Beware of ……….Recommend

  • Ali Nasir

    @Syeda Sobia Fatima

    You wrote “he is the co-founder of Lashkar-e-Taiyaba”

    Do you have any proof that he is the co-founder or do you have any proof that the organization is exist ?Recommend

  • A well-wisher

    “Any time one of them excuses themselves to go to the bathroom, every other person would be thinking “He better not call the authorities… before I get a chance.””

    I have heard news reports that Hafiz Saeed has installed closed circuit surveillance cameras in all his bathrooms to watch and listen if the guests call the American embassy!Recommend

  • A well-wisher

    @ishtiaq:

    “@Mahi:
    What extremism he did? did any evidences proved him as a criminal???”

    He is the leader of LeT that has done various terror activities around the globe, the last one being in Mumbai in 2008. As the leader and mastermind of this group he is as guilty, if not more, as the one pulling the trigger.Recommend

  • Sane

    @A well-wisher
    Absolutely baseless comment. Would you also announce head money? 2012 is a head money year.Recommend

  • Sufian

    @Pakistan politics:
    I disagree, I believe he’s funded by them.
    USA is getting their @$$ kicked in Afghanistan and a sensible man doesn’t support the losers. People like the writer are only worth $10 million, which is not even a penny of their Hereafter.Recommend

  • Rashid Gujjar

    “hundreds of maids”…………..LOLRecommend

  • Rashid Gujjar

    And after his capture you will also be detained like the doctor who assisted in killing of OBL!!! So better back off!!!Recommend

  • Sane

    @antony
    Absolutely right. Killing rather burning alive people in the train ‘Samjhota Express’ is terrorism not sabotage.Recommend

  • Rishi

    @hadi:

    You mean the same judicial system that has underwritten tens of dictatorships and wasn’t last week an anniversary of when your judicial system actually hung a duly elected prime minister of your country? That is the judicial system you want the world to give credibililty to, right?

    Are you guys really this silly or do you have to work at it? Recommend

  • Mustafa Moiz

    Pathetic article. And I don’t really even care about Hafiz Saeed.Recommend

  • Mustafa Moiz

    @Mahi:
    You seem to mind it when Shakil Afridi is called a traitor. Calling a spade a spade seems to go right out the window then.Recommend

  • Mustafa Moiz

    @Feroz:
    So you’re going to blame the courts? The trial against the “innocent” PM may have been politically motivated, but he was still convicted based on evidence, and it was not overtly biased, so prove that the courts were wrong there. Recommend

  • Mustafa Moiz

    @Feroz:
    So you’re going to blame the courts? The trial against the “innocent” PM may have been politically motivated, but he was still convicted based on evidence, and it was not overtly biased, so prove that the courts were wrong there. Or are they only right when they are against the military?Recommend

  • waterloo

    very stupid articleRecommend

  • Rex Minor

    In a country where security has been replaced by death or abduction and can be organised/purchased for less than 1000 bucks, the reward offer of 10M does appear to be non genuine! There must be some catch in the offer?

    Rex MinorRecommend

  • Hasan

    After leaving 10% it would be 9 million…..how?Recommend

  • http://syedowais.blogspot.com Syed Owais Mukhtar
  • alicia

    Well the truth is that millions of people in Pakistan do live in poverty and would do anything for an american visa and 100 million dollars.
    Are we forgetting Raymond davis incident? hafiz saeed is a liability anyway.Recommend

  • Azim

    hahahahahahahahaha……………..
    nice man i’ll surely find that man:PRecommend

  • http://Boston Sundeep

    Why don’t he turn himself in, collect those $10 million dollars and use it through his charities? Obviously he believes he is innocent, he would probably acquitted with 10 million dollars rich. Recommend

  • Mahi

    @Mustafa Moiz:

    LOL who is Shakil Afridi?and if he’s involved in such terrorist activities I’d neva mind calling him a traitor trust me on that:PRecommend