Husbands who beat, women who get beaten

Published: March 16, 2012

Remember that by remaining silent you are simply an accomplice to the crime committed against you.

What happens when your savior also becomes your enemy? How do you feel when the father of your child emotionally, psychologically, verbally and physically abuses you instead of giving you the respect you deserve? How do you reclaim your self-esteem when he ridicules you and your family and makes you believe every time that it is your fault, when actually it isn’t?

Domestic violence causes far more pain than the visible marks of bruises and scars. It is devastating to be abused by someone that you love and who you think loves you in return, because you’ll always end up forgiving – if not for yourself, then either for the sake of your children and family or to escape ‘divorce’ which remains a taboo for women in our society.

According to a 2009 US State Department report on Pakistan, 50 percent of the women in urban areas of Pakistan admit that their husbands beat them.

In 2009, efforts were in progress on a new domestic violence law in Pakistan. A private bill on domestic violence had been passed in the National Assembly in 2009, which required approval by the Pakistani Senate. However, Council of Islamic Ideology’s (CII) warning that a law against domestic violence will ‘push up divorce rates’ coupled with Mohammad Khan Sheerani’s objections (of the JUI-F), led to a deferment of the hearing in the Senate. Since then the government has slept on the matter and the bill has lapsed.

Whereas the need for a domestic violence law is a necessity in Pakistan (as it will undoubtedly assist with abuse cases in the rural areas), I personally doubt such laws will have any impact in the urban areas – as a law is of no use until the people internalize its spirit.

It appears that due to a fault within our social structure, even urban women tend to have a high tolerance for domestic violence. Not only this, but they are often at the forefront of inflicting pain on other women. When the women who were once subjected to violence become mothers of sons themselves, they unfortunately fail to teach their sons the lessons of tolerance and respect and so the cycle of domestic violence continues.

I am not interested in discussing gender discrimination or emphasize on the equality of the sexes in this blog, as I am sure both men and women are equally capable in their respective fields. I simply intend to highlight how a basic humanitarian, infact a rather moral principle seems to be missingin the Pakistani male mindset. Femlaes perhaps reaffirm this when they choose to remain silent in the face of such atrocities.

Even if woman is the weaker sex, it puts all the more moral burden on a man to treat her with dignity. The in-laws must assume responsibility to treat the daughter-in-law with utmost respect as she leaves her own family behind to embrace another.

There is nothing wrong in a woman depending on a man after marriage, but being the breadwinner in the house doesn’t mean that we inculcate an undeserved sense of superiority in men. While sons are taught to have courage merely to fight, we teach daughters to have courage to resist and persevere in the face of even the most brutal physical and mental assault.

As a result, we have raised a nation of very resilient, resourceful, considerate and brave women, but we have also raised a country of spoilt, insecure and violent boys who will resort to violence against those who are weaker.

Remember that by remaining silent you are simply an accomplice to the crime committed against you.

 

Sana Hameed Baba

Sana Hameed Baba

A financial industry professional with a business and legal academic background based in London. She runs a network of Pakistani professionals and students for collaborative small social initiatives in Pakistan known as United Pakistan Front (UPF) and tweets @Sana_H_Baba

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Shariq Najeeb

    Although I agree that domestic violence is one of the biggest evils of our society, it would be prudent to double-check any surveys conducted by a US institution. They are famous to exaggerate certain facts for their own agenda.Recommend

  • zeeshan subzwari

    It’s time women started leaving those husbands/boyfriends who abuse them either verbally or physically.The women who keep on sticking to husbands who beat them up are just being enablers.It is the women who stay with abusers who are the biggest encouragement for abusers to continue abusing.If more pakistani women left their husbands ,then men would get the message that they could lose their wives and kids.but sadly,too many women in our society are addicted to the income of their husbands and the men use this financial power to keep women under their control.
    Until women start earning for themselves and leaving if their husbands abuse them,things won’t change.Recommend

  • Gibran majeed

    The women who don’t work,don’t have jobs leave themselves at the mercy of men.As long as women are dependent on the pocket money their husbands give them they can’t expect to have freedom.The husbands know they can abuse and beat up their wives because they know that without his money she can go nowhere.
    There are too many female graduates in our country who don’t work,who only get educated so they can get a better rishta,these women are their own worst enemies.By not working,not having careers,these women leave themselves at the mercy of their husbands.
    The ladies who stay in a bad marriage because they are too weak to withstand being on their own are digging their own graves.Recommend

  • Ayesha Pervez

    Financial Dependence is the key issue here, after social stigma. Every woman must work, earn and be able to support herself. She should not stay in an abusive relationship at any cost. Recommend

  • asad khan

    Our girls are taught from birth that they are inferior to men,that they’ll never be as intelligent as men,that their lives will be incomplete without the presence of a man.It’s the elder females in the family that indulge in such misogynistic indoctrination of the young girls in the family.
    Dramas like the misogyny and patriarchy promoting Humsafar brainwashes more girls that the sole aim of their existence on Earth is to get a man to marry them.

    Our society promotes misogyny and patriarchy in everything,it is reflected in our advertisements,it’s reflected in our dramas.In such a society,women tell themselves that they’ll be nothing without their husbands or boyfriends.This low self-esteem and lack of self-respect encourages men to go on abusing their wives,fiances or girlfriends as much as they want to.Recommend

  • Anaa

    I know manyyyy women in my family who are with their husbands only because of financial dependence. They do not talk to their husbands, infact they backbite about their husbands at every given oppurtunity, are not intimate with their husbands and supply only his basic needs such as food and a clean house but no show of affection – ONLY because of financial dependence because they cannot earn a single rs to support themselves!Recommend

  • karim

    What does US state department report says about domestic violence in USA? Anything at all or is it ZERO?Recommend

  • Ebtesam Khalid

    @Gibran.. Its indeed impressive to hear a Man saying that!! :)Recommend

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=647842094 The Reader

    @zeeshan subzwari:
    While I agree with you, this is an incontrovertible fact that we, as a society, tend to suffocate life for divorced women and the sole responsibility of a divorce is put on them. If we were a tolerant and open-minded society, we would have seen women plucking up courage to quit marriage.Recommend

  • beenish khan

    @Anaa:

    These women are the reason why women continue to get beaten up by their husbands.daughers,nieces see the elder women in their families staying with their abusive husbands and they also get the message that a woman should stay with an abusive partner and they do the same thing when they grow up,they stay put with a wife beater when they should really leave their abuser.
    It’s better to live without the luxuries in life but with your self respect intact rather than to live with a man who treats you like garbage.Recommend

  • Farheen

    A very well written article. Kudos! :)Recommend

  • Bubloo

    Haaan .. woh Humsafar thaaaa ……… I think Baba’s husband will be getting the thrashing in her case rather than the other way around … Recommend

  • Bemisal Iqbal

    Really? Out of all the sources you could quote, you chose the US State Department. Did you even care to tally how or if they conducted a research to check if women in urban areas were prone to domestic violence? If yes, then how did they manage to come up with a sample that is representative of women in all urban cities. Moreover, the figure 50% is a ridiculously flawed representation and trusting the US Department not to be playing with flawed figures is beyond naiive Recommend

  • Shireen

    Women supporting other women and breaking a cultural trend of “Saas-Bahou” oppression is yes, imperative. But this piece had me until it accused women of being accomplisses in their own abuse. Violence against Women breeds a lot of pain emotionally, psychologically not to mention physical. In most cases victims are rendered paralyzed with fear and lack of options. Until there are no proper supports and systems (i.e. training, employment strategy and placement, housing supports) and places for women to turn to they will not simply get up and walk out. As easy (eyeroll) as it sounds.There are families, money and reputation all tied to the scenario. It’s easy for employed, priviledged people to comment on how it ought to be done by women who have been so humiliated and shut down. They have been programmed to believe they are not worth anything. Their silence is a curse, not a choice.
    Options and support for women as a individuals are the solution Recommend

  • http://www.sanahameedbaba.weebly.com Sana Hameed Baba

    I agree with you Shireen. However, my blog is focused on urban women who are usually accomplished and choose to stay in abusive relationships. For example, my friends boyfriend has consistently cheated on her and she has enough evidence for it, yet she is allowing herself to remain in the relationship as she is unable to find better “rishtas” or “because she loves him”. It may be the case of ‘stockholm syndrome’, but all I am saying is one shouldn’t remain silent and compromise on basic principles. Violence is wrong, so is cheating. What is wrong for another is also wrong when it comes to you. Women must stop compromising, it is about time. Even if you have to let go the person to raise your voice, DO IT! It will set an example for so many. If you all want to read the unedited blog:

    http://www.sanahameedbaba.weebly.comRecommend

  • khalid shinwari

    ISLAM…..v hav left islam far behind ……………………..this is gonna happen……….Recommend

  • Sohail Gogal

    It is unfortunate that those who oppose Violence against women laws are using issues like increase in divorce rate as scare tactics. The whole idea of marriage is absurd if a man has to beat his woman into submission, a system of slavery would be more suited. Damage inflicted is deeper than the wounds and bruises because if there is domestic violence, if the children see it or hear it, that to me is detrimental. Batterers should not have rights to children. It’s about time society deals with the issue firmly.Recommend

  • sadaf mansoor

    well writtenRecommend

  • Muslim

    Interesting Article. However its the uneducated and poor women in Pakistan that face the worst form of violence from their illiterate and ignorant husbands. The educated and higher class women are actually masters of their homes with their husbands wagging their tails around the wife.

    @Sohail Gogal
    Spot on mate. btw have you worked in PSO? Recommend

  • http://www.dronelog.com Junaid

    @Peter Falcon

    This problem is universal or atleast wherever Cable TV goes. Pakistani Drama’s “thrilling/turning points” are not much different than UK, Indian or USA Soap dramas. I remember while busy in my work with TV on, some dialogues of some UK soap (“East Enders or Hollyoaks”) hit my ears with shock cuz dito-same dialogues i had with my fiance… Later on, more events confirms its TV-Cable viral disease ….
    It seems like someone make people(not just wives) believe that
    the more u degrade other n lower their character,
    your Character/status level becomes higher then them without any Productive effort

    see the topic with this point of view too… Recommend

  • Ahmed

    What nonsense is it? As if all of what is described in the first paragraph is done by men only. Women do exactly same, and in equal numbers if not more, to their husband. So why is it written with ignorant gender bias?Recommend

  • Alam Dar

    I think one needs to look at the stature of each family differently. When u say urban it makes me think of the bigger cities like Karachi and Lahore. And thinking of those cities makes me think of the upper middle class. However, a lot of people who aren’t Pakistani and are reading this there are a lot of people who lack basic education and it is mainly within those families. Unfortunately, unless women and men aren’t educated they will lack to find understanding of these social issues. Furthermore, women must be empowered so that they can fight these cases.Recommend

  • http://www.facebook.com/britpak Mohammed Abbasi

    Mashallah, excellent post – I wish such posts could also be in Urdu to spread in PakistanRecommend

  • Muhammadd

    Part of the problem are religious lies that “women are inferior to men” and that “men are caretakers of women”. As long as such myths and mistranslations are widely held popular and taught, the situation will not improve.

    Lack of education is another big factor. How can women become part of the workforce when they are not educated and/or do not have equal opportunity. In many locations within the country, women are not even allowed to go to schools.Recommend

  • kaalchakra

    This is not beating. Gentle tapping is a husband’s right. Dr Zakir Naik explains it giving full context and original material why it iRecommend

  • http://www.dronelog.com Junaid

    Come to think of it now… To tell u the truth, such topics and keywords “empower, education, abuse, gender biased, breakups, divorce etc etc” I be hearing since decades in Pakistan… and all the possible solution/suggestions/issues/outcome are already documented and compiled in one form or another…
    But how many ORG/individuals are working on Implementation… I found some renowned professional therapist advice same as my next door neighbor Aunty Gazala… most are very very expensive

    more surprisingly , there is no such discussion group for Facebook Pakistan. except the one i just created..
    https://www.facebook.com/DivorceSupportGroupPakistan
    so… what’s the best thing to do? even for your closed friends n family members??????Recommend

  • Humanist citizen

    would you mind writting about the urban woman who emotionally abuse their husbands (all my friends except 1 experiene the same & I am one of them; so it makes 9 out of 10 are emotionally abused) or you are too feminst to do that. Recommend

  • elementary

    It’s not about gender. when two people live together disputes ,and arguments do arise at some point and in resolving them one of them will come out on top.Men being physically strong may abuse physically. However viciousness and craftiness of females ,bringing their spouses to their wit’s ends and on their knees is also well known.
    Both of these extremes is violence and should be condemned.Recommend

  • leila rage

    @kaalchakra:

    In the first place, use your common sense and the brain God has given you: when a man is very angry, will he just ‘gently tap’ his wife? No. He will hit her in his anger. This ‘gentle tapping’ never happens.
    Secondly, is Dr. Zakir Naik a prohet or something that you blindly follow his words? Islam is meant to open your mind so you can THINK.

    Also, if you read any SANE translation of the verse in the Quran, there is no mention of beating. And in the first place, have you ever thought that the ‘obedience’ refers to obedience to GOD and not some idiot man?Recommend

  • Zaheer

    Nobody says what is the reason behind the Domestic Violence in Pakistan, even the US report which is quoted in the article and and quoted by several respected commenter, If this US report also able to mention the reason of most domestic violence then the things become crystal clear for both men and women, this report without showing actual reason behind domestic violence is just trying to disturb our family system and putting our women’s on a wrong path, I have seen their society this women abuse is common in their society too where women’s are self dependent and educated too but even then this domestic violence is common and their society and women do not leave their husbands even repeatedly getting abused by their husbands, body friends, why? Why not this report shows a comparative study of US and Pakistan domestic violence, I think there will be more cases of women abuse in US than in Pakistan.

    Let me guess how this report was conducted as most of our women’s in our rural area uneducated and they do not know English as well, the conductor may have asked a question of domestic violence to an uneducated women and she in return without knowing what is domestic violence answered it yes and the survey was done.

    Think, why a husband should beat his wife when she is giving him every comfort of life like cooked food, ironed cloth, beautiful kids and so many other things, we are living in a family system where love is the most important factor a man receives love from his mother, sisters and from his wife and just talking about females as the clash is always because of female love and when a new girl comes into any new family after marriage she want that her husband just leave all other relations and just have relation with her she do not want to share her husband love with anyone even with his mother and sisters which is pure love without any….
    and in the beginning when the emotions are hot men put down the pure love at the corner and becomes attracted towards her wife love but at last pure love comes up and emotional love get behind and the women get annoyed by this.

    We prepare our girls for marriage by giving her best education that we can afford, we teach her cooking, clothing and all other things which will help her after marriage but we all forget to teach her one thing and that is sharing we are living in Pakistani society where the family system is the beauty we can not think of leaving our parents in old homes, we can not leave our unmarried sisters alone and if you look around most of the fresh arrivals demands is a separate accommodation which is very difficult in our family system as a male have to have look after her wife, and his parents who brought him up given him best education, how he can leave his sister alone.

    It is a request to all the females do not run after the US report as it do not fit in our society, problem is with us and we have to solve it ourself in our ways how an outsider in our house can identify the problems in our house, and a request to a parents just not give your girls the methods of cooking and sewing also teach her how to leave in a new family she is going too, even when you send her to a university for education she has to follow university rules if she began to make her rules in university then the things got mess up then at this type of situation either your girl will be out of the university or the university will need to be closed and life is much bigger than university ………………..

    I Recommend

  • alicia

    @kaalkachra
    whatever is gentle tapping and why is it a husband’s right?Recommend

  • Fauzia Mussarat

    A good 25% women in the US get domestic abuse. This is with almost 100% literacy. Seeing the digits in a couldty with almost 90% illiteracy is no shock!!Recommend

  • Raza

    I’m sorry; I’m obviously against domestic violence, but this is quite a sexist write. We have not raised a nation of ‘violent, spoilt and insecure boys’. Nor are our women as amazing as depicted. There are many dimensions to the whole thing. I don’t know about rural areas situation (and in any case this article is on urban women), but the situation is simply not this bad in urban areas, especially in middle and upper classes, where divorce rate has rapidly claimed, and girls are educated now, so they have become more independent. Also, its not as if only girls are the victim of all the abuse; girls are often playing their own politics (at least that’s the aim nearly always), and its the men who’re reasoning out. Not a fan of the average Pakistani male, but please stop depicting us as uncouth animals and the girls as Mother Tereas. Recommend

  • A well-wisher

    @leila rage:

    “Secondly, is Dr. Zakir Naik a prohet or something that you blindly follow his words? Islam is meant to open your mind so you can THINK.
    Also, if you read any SANE translation of the verse in the Quran, there is no mention of beating. And in the first place, have you ever thought that the ‘obedience’ refers to obedience to GOD and not some idiot man?”

    I suggest you do an independent and objective study on treatment of women in Islamic scriptures.Recommend

  • alicia

    @Zaheer
    What ever are you talking about? A girl leaves her family, her house, friends to go to a strangers house and please him and his family in pakistani households. If she asks her husband for attention that means he beats her up? If the women can leave behind her pure love of her parents, brothers and sisters than why can’t her husband take some time out of his time for his parents and give time to his wife?
    The pakistani family system is amazing for men. They get an obiedient servant for a few hundered rupees every month. And if the servant asks for something you beat her up.
    Maybe instead of teaching our daughters how to be even more obiedient and wifely we should teach our sonns how to treat women properly.

    As far as preserving the family system is concerned I assure you most of the kids who come out of abusive relationships are either mentally and emotionally damaged or hate their fathers. At least in my point of view. When a man beats his wife he not only alienates his wife but also his children because kids mostly support their mother.Recommend

  • mohsin

    The biggest enemy of a women is anothet women. We always hear about these stories of husband n wife fighting. But its natural fact that all the couples in this world fight. Another thing is its also our media that potrays that husband torturing his wife n mother in law is the most evil woman. This constant dose of stupid dramas fills our brains with garbage. I believe we need educational programs n talkshows and im not talking about these stupid morning shows. We need proper education.Recommend

  • kaalchakra

    alicia

    The right of husbands to gently tap their wives is not a man-made right. It comes straight from the sole maker of the sun, the moon, the stars, the galaxies, the atoms, and the molecules.

    What gentle tapping is of course open to individual interpretation. You have your right to interpret it one way. Another, another way.

    leila rage

    Dr Zakir Naik does follow the Prophet. You should not have a problem being gently tapped by your husband as he interprets it.Recommend

  • Talat Haque

    I say the women should gently tap their husbands back every time they are ‘tapped’………… in loving, gentle retaliation!Recommend

  • Vikram

    @Sana Hameed Baba: says”For example, my friends boyfriend has consistently cheated on her and she has enough evidence for it, yet she is allowing herself to remain in the relationship as she is unable to find better “rishtas” or “because she loves him”. IT appears your freind has very low self esteem and has no hope of finding another man. For her some thing is better then nothing. Recommend

  • Confused

    WHAT makes these men burn, beat and rape? where’s the gain? it’s barbaric Recommend

  • leila rage

    @Confused: the ARE barbarians. Thats how their parents raise them.Recommend

  • elementary

    @kaalchakra:
    and I guess husbands should not have any problems with the “gentle tappings” by their wives. Recommend

  • elementary

    @Bubloo:
    Why get personal???Recommend

  • kaalchakra

    elementary

    Wives have not been given the right to tap their husbands, gently or non gently.That would even be unnatural. Do the fields that men plow rise up and start plowing men? There is a certain order in the natural world. It does not change whether we like it or not.Recommend

  • elementary

    @kaalchakra:
    why would it be unnatural??.
    equal humans, equal rights. someone slaps me I slap him back, I “gently tap” they “gently tap back”.Recommend

  • Girl

    @Zaheer You’re probably the only sensible person here, well said.Recommend

  • kaalchakra

    elementary

    Equal does not mean the same. Men and women have been given equal but different responsibilities, equal but different rights.Recommend

  • Vikram

    @elementary:
    why would it be unnatural??.
    equal humans, equal rights. someone slaps me I slap him back, I “gently tap” they “gently tap back”. It will become natural when more women starts beating their husbands. Dr Zakir Naik is into business of recruiting people into Islam. He can’t tell potential converts the whole truth, so he justifies beating as “gentle tap” Muslim men use to keep their wives in line. Recommend

  • Vikram

    @kaalchakra: Says “Do the fields that men plow rise up and start plowing men?”
    Women are not dirt as you are implying. They are living human beings like men. It is women who have given birth to all prophets and powerful men in this world. Recommend

  • A Hateful Husband

    Please Do not try to be one sided and don’t try to sell a sob story …while I agree that torturing women is not fair or even right BUT…Women are equally to be blamed they also abuse their husbands psychologically emotionally and at time physically….not only this Women Emotionally and psychologically black mail their husbands….Women Isolate their husbands from the world …take away their husband’s individuality and space….reducing their husbands to mere beasts of burden,,,using their status and position in society to further their petty standing with in their peers….This is the worst kind of abuse…physically wounds heal but the wounds rendered to heart and soul can never heal…its not only inhuman but should be labeled as crime against humanity…. It is only fair in all its legal interpretation that If there are laws against abuse towards women there should be reciprocal laws protecting men from abusive women.,,,,,,,women are as barbaric as men can be,,,,so be fair and that is all what justice is about……….Recommend

  • A Hateful Husband

    @Humanist citizen:
    Please Do not try to be one sided and don’t try to sell a sob story …while I agree that torturing women is not fair or even right BUT…Women are equally to be blamed they also abuse their husbands psychologically emotionally and at time physically….not only this Women Emotionally and psychologically black mail their husbands….Women Isolate their husbands from the world …take away their husband’s individuality and space….reducing their husbands to mere beasts of burden,,,using their status and position in society to further their petty standing with in their peers….This is the worst kind of abuse…physically wounds heal but the wounds rendered to heart and soul can never heal…its not only inhuman but should be labeled as crime against humanity…. It is only fair in all its legal interpretation that If there are laws against abuse towards women there should be reciprocal laws protecting men from abusive women.,,,,,,,women are as barbaric as men can be,,,,so be fair and that is all what justice is about……….Recommend

  • A Hateful Husband

    @leila rage:
    Please Do not try to be one sided and don’t try to sell a sob story …while I agree that torturing women is not fair or even right BUT…Women are equally to be blamed they also abuse their husbands psychologically emotionally and at time physically….not only this Women Emotionally and psychologically black mail their husbands….Women Isolate their husbands from the world …take away their husband’s individuality and space….reducing their husbands to mere beasts of burden,,,using their status and position in society to further their petty standing with in their peers….This is the worst kind of abuse…physically wounds heal but the wounds rendered to heart and soul can never heal…its not only inhuman but should be labeled as crime against humanity…. It is only fair in all its legal interpretation that If there are laws against abuse towards women there should be reciprocal laws protecting men from abusive women.,,,,,,,women are as barbaric as men can be,,,,so be fair and that is all what justice is about……….Recommend

  • elementary

    @kaalchakra:
    Yes, different but not oppressed. and beating is oppression, violent slap or gentle tap, it is oppression which has no place in civilized society.No human has the right to put their hands on another human. This has got to stop.Full stop.Recommend

  • kaalchakra

    vikram

    There is no compulsion in such things, so your anger against Dr. Zakir Naik or Islam is unjustified. You can’t deny the natural fact that the earth indeed is plowed, receives, and produces (yes, even the best fruits, if you so insist.) As such it would be absurd and unnatural for it to want to stand up and plow anyone else back.

    You don’t have to like it, you may even consider it an unmistakeable reflection of a quintessentially barbaric and primitive mind, but you can’t deny other people a right to consider it natural and divine logic.

    To each, his or her own way.Recommend

  • kaalchakra

    elementary, please let’s not drag this on, particularly when there is no compulsion in such things, and you may follow your way, let others follow, theirs. You can speak only for yourselves. Other people don’t mind following God’s clear instructions about gently tapping, or being tapped. You may consider it barbaric, primitive, and unacceptable to yourselves and your family. That is your privilege. Best, and later.Recommend

  • Vikram

    @kaalchakra: “Men and women have been given equal but different responsibilities, equal but different rights.”. A man can sell his daughter to pay of debts in Afghanistan or a Pakistani can marry a llittle girl to settle scores with another family. Men can do a Mukhtar Mai to take a revenge. Remember Mukhtar Mai was gang raped while she held Koran in her right hand. Rights and responsibilities very from a country to country. You can’t beat your wife “religiously” and get away with it a Western country. You may have right to marry 4 wives, but most educatedMuslim girls will not accpt it. Rights don’t mean much anyway.A muslim women is supposed to have a say in choosing her husband. How many girls in poor family get that chance? In most Western countries it is a crime to “tap your spouses shoulder lightly”.Recommend

  • Vikram

    @A Hateful Husband: “Women are equally to be blamed they also abuse their husbands psychologically emotionally and at time physically….not only this Women Emotionally and psychologically black mail their husbands….Women Isolate their husbands from the world …take away their husband’s individuality and space” You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to know that abuse of women is lot more common then abuse of men by women. I have hard time understanding how a woman can do all that sufferings you described. I can see some possibility lik ethat happening in US if a husband is trying to get his green card by marrying a US citizen girl. Poor guy may have hard time finding a job and may be abused by a girl and/or her family. Girl family can even blackmail him by threatening to withdraw sponsorship papers..There should be laws to equally protect men and women abuse from their spouces. Recommend

  • geeko

    I’m a guy, but please, c’mon, the ‘psychological pressure’ on husbands don’t end in – sorry to be harsh – gang-rape or such polite ways of expressing your anger… a man is naturally stronger than her wife, and he can externalize his frustrations though physical violence on her, whereas a woman, esp. in our cultures (and that’s not a Pakistan specificity – I’m sure all patriarchal cultures are like that), has to choose silence as a sign of rebellion… but I should admit that I’m (sadly) astonished by the numbers, I come from, let’s say, a remote village near Rawalpindi and beating his wife is the most disgusting activity a man can choose… thought that it would have been even more in Lahore/Islamabad/…’s so-called “middle-upper classes”.

    I for one – not to sound like an emotional gentleman, huh – would never even think of ‘gently… beating’ (huh, Naik ?) a woman, let alone my life-partner, and the majority of my uber-virile friends are in the same case ; but no one can deny the sick cases who involve in such horrible acts.

    Oh, and don’t bring Islam, not the debate! Recommend

  • H.Pasha

    There was a man who lost his parents but refused to be called an orphan. He was man enough to love a strong woman years older than him, worked for her and made her stronger, opened his heart to her, shared his fears to no one but her. He was romantic and was faithful to her till her last breath. Cleaned after himself and sewed his own clothes. He was good looking, courageous and fearless. He never judged anyone on their pasts or looks, and was moderate, open minded and tolerant. His neighbor was Jewish and his cousin-in- law was a Christian priest. Beaten and exiled when he was helpless, he was merciful when he became stronger. Intelligent, wise and a hard worker, he built a long lasting nation out of nothing in the last 20 years of his life. He had no parents, but loved his daughters and grandchildren.
    His last will was “Be good to women”. This man was a mercy for all mankind,this is my Prophet Muhammad. (PBUH)Recommend

  • Sane

    Those husbands or boyfriends who beat or torture mentally in anyway are basically mentally ill and not fit to mingle in society. They must be sent to mental hospital.

    It is time to standup against ‘mentals’.Recommend

  • http://Birmingham elemetary

    How can anyone find logic, divine and natural at that, in support of beating up a woman, completely beats me.
    Distortion happens when instead of letting logic and rationality take you to a conclusion, you conclude first and then go searching for evidence in favour of it. Recommend

  • kaalchakra

    elementary and sane

    You had better take up your issues with the Maker of the Universe. No one needs remind you that you are approaching blasphemy, and as such could be very rightly accused of committing a major crime.

    There is no compulsion in such things. You go your way. Others, including your husbands if necessary, will go there way. That is God’s plan.Recommend

  • http://www.copds.com khuram

    @zaheer, I agree with zaheerRecommend

  • http://www.copds.com khuram

    I agree to allRecommend

  • http://Birmingham elementary

    @kaalchakra: Oh… and you are the attorney General of God.Why do you assume I am a female?.Recommend

  • Scr

    They are better muslims than you anyday. Not following your INTERPRETAION of Islam is not the same as being anti-Islam,

    I do not agree with what you have to say, but I’ll defend to the death your right to say it.
    VoltaireRecommend

  • kaalchakra

    elementary

    Please educate yourselves in the Islamic way – the only true way of being religious:

    http://m.en.canoe.ca/news/CNEWS/Canada/2012/03/23/19543371.html

    Scr, not many realize that Voltaire had reverted to Islam in his last days. He said he had read the Quran and suddenly realized here was the wisdom he was looking for!Recommend

  • http://birmingham elementary

    If that means allowing woman to be beaten, NEVER.
    As to voltaire converting to islam i can only say Ha ha ha. you only see what you want to.Recommend

  • Vikram

    @kaalchakra: “Scr, not many realize that Voltaire had reverted to Islam in his last days. He said he had read the Quran and suddenly realized here was the wisdom he was looking for!
    Kaalchakra, not many may realize, you are the Islamic version of Voltaire. You are the only person who has discovered “fields don’t hit the plows back”.Recommend

  • http://kamranzahid.com kamran zahid

    What about the Men who are Abused, Blackmailed & mentally tortured by their spouses.? Any research ? Any Stats ? Any Law ?Recommend

  • TheTruth

    I admit that my wife beats me.

    And I don’t even have a wife.

    See how that works?Recommend

  • http://sairasays.com Saira K.

    @karim: It actually says a lot. There’s a lot of research and organizations that focus on domestic violence and the Violence Against Women Act has been very successful in, at least helping women. As well as shelters and safe houses for women. Also, the US has the Office of Violence Against Women which is a tangent of the Department of Justice. Granted, while these measures have helped women, they have by no means eliminated domestic violence. Globally, rape and domestic violence are the greatest threats to women. You can look up Guttmacher Institute statistics on domestic violence within the USA. You’re trying to say that the USA ignores it’s own domestic violence and is hyping up Pakistan’s, unfortunately, I don’t think you realize how much of an issue abuse and violence against women is in the entire world and this includes Pakistan. While this writer, perhaps, doesn’t have the power to change the world, she definitely has the power of words to draw attention to something that is rampant in Pakistan as well as other countries. You can work towards building a better Pakistan and one that is safer for women by having an open discussion about these issues that permeate Pakistani society. Don’t try and deflect the issue by these silly statements of whether the USA has any statistics on domestic violence.Recommend

  • http://sairasays.com Saira K.

    @Shireen: I agree with that you’re saying to an extent… I understand where the author is coming from in one way as well though. For example, in China the horrific practice of feet-binding was common practice among women and almost always mother’s and women in families would be the one’s to subject young girls to this. However, they were also in a society where a woman who didn’t have her feet bound had almost no chances of getting married and moving up in society. So, catch 22 I suppose? Also, in Pakistan and India even women have been complacent in honor killings and various other attacks on the bahu of the house. However, this again comes from centuries of acceptance.

    Domestic violence and abuse also has profound psychological effects on women. It’s not easy to just pick up and leave, abuse doesn’t usually just show up, it creeps in very slowly. Often, the woman is slowly but surely cut off from her family and friends and the outside world, then her finances are controlled, and she finds herself trapped… especially in a society where leaving one’s husband or divorce is frowned upon.Recommend

  • http://shafaq-mysay@blogspot.com Shafaq

    If you will go around making your own survey about the problem of domestic violence, your result might match the US survey. I think mothers have a great role in this. And i am talking about the mothers of men rather than those of women. Mothers of women being more optimistic about a better future.Recommend

  • Vikram

    @Shafaq: “If you will go around making your own survey about the problem of domestic violence, your result might match the US survey. I think mothers have a great role in this. And i am talking about the mothers of men rather than those of women. Mothers of women being more optimistic about a better future.”

    Morthers of men and women are not different, Mothers just treat sons and daughters differently.Millions of girls still get their clitorises cut in the name of religion to keep girls moral in Egypt and Africa. It is the mothers who are in thr forefront of this practice. I am sure this practice was invented by men.

    Things can only change if mothers start treating their daughters in laws as their own daughters. Another factor is “beating of wives is allowed in Islam”. There is should be laws against “beating” by any spouse. Girls should be raised to be independent and not tolerate abuse. Recommend

  • Muhammad

    In an evil society, the culprits always come up with excuses to justity their crimes. For e.g. instead of realizing their own shortcomings, they try to equate their shortcomings with shortcoming of others. Pakistani society is one such example where men, who in most cases, abuse their wives (which is often supported by religion) and then go on the justify as if it is their God given right to do so.

    Just mention any evil in the Pakistani society, and you will see that its people will immediately mention similar evils in other socities. Hence proving the point that they support this abuse day in day out.Recommend